Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Maybe You Ought Notta Know.

Coming late to the news, as usual, I just discovered who the asshole ex-boyfriend is in Alanis Morissette's song about the bad ex. It's Dave Coulier. Next thought: Who the hell is Dave Coulier? I had to activate the memory banks on that one to recall that he's the guy from that really awful 80s t.v. show, Full House. Yes, the one that gave us Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. Thank you so much for that by the way, Full House! But  he's not the cute one, and not the main guy. He was the other guy. The kinda fat creepy uncle. A lot of faded denim and brightly colored sweater vests?  You know the guy. Yes, him!

Then it occurred to me, thinking about that song, that Alanis Morrisette went down on Dave Coulier in a theatre? And then my next thought was someone went down on Dave Coulier?  Dave, born in 1959, is 15 years older than Alanis.  So if she was dating him when she was 18, he was 33. Apparently he was annoyed that her teenaged self would call him in the middle of dinner. Uh, sorry Dad! 

I love that song and I'm so glad I found out so many years later that it was Dave Coulier she was talking about because it's not only affected her credibility in my mind, it's kind of made her out to be a whacko.


Leaving messes, denying crosses, being duplicitous. Dave Coulier


Tuesday, May 01, 2012

Time for A New Post!

I know right?! God, that's a horrible expression.  With each successive new expression I think to myself, that has got to be the worst. Turns out I am almost always wrong. "But I digress" (that's a horrible one from like 1826).

People, invisible people of the internet, how much do you hate it when you hate it when you check in on a blog and there hasn't been an update? If it's as much as I hate it, then the answer is an awful lot.  I made the trip all the way over here!  (Somehow it seems worse when it happens to me.)

The sad thing is I don't really have anything to say. Actually I do...Xylitol.  That's not a fancy-talker swear word, it's a health food item.  And if you want to rid your mouth of plaque, eat Xylitol.  Must be pure, not mixed with any other sweetener or sugar alcohol.  You can buy it at health food stores in crystalline form, just like sugar, or compressed into mints or gum.  It is tasty and it will blow your mind in terms of plaque reduction.  It is candy that is good for your teeth!  How awesome is that!? If my dental hygienist were smart or not so obsessed with talking about her upcoming wedding, her mind would be blown by the state of my teeth since I started eating xylitol.  If your gums ever bleed when you brush or floss, xylitol will fix you up.  Seriously, Google it if you don't believe me.  And then don't forget to let me know how it's going please if you do start on it.

Monday, January 30, 2012

This is actually a serious post today, about parenting. As a mom, I am annoyed at other parents. I find so many of them simply abandon their responsibilities because their kids give them some grief. But, really, that's when you have to step it up, when you're actually getting the grief.

When your kid mouths off, storms off, disobeys and you respond by rolling your eyes, or throwing your hands up, or complaining about how awful she is, you're literally training your child to mouth off to you. The message you're sending is this: "If you want to me to back off/stop talking/not discipline you" just mouth off because I'll throw my hands up in the air and stop parenting. Parent your kids, especially when it's hard.

I also think you should:

Get off fucking Facebook. You're not 17, no matter how much you want to be.

Stop pretending to "get" Lady Gaga. I could puke from the number of times I hear parents say stupid fucking parent things like "Well she's controversial, sure, but she's really talented!". Is she? Would you actually know what "really talented" is? Or are you getting confused by the meat dress? She wrote some catchy songs that seem very derivative of Madonna. She can sing. Feh, whatever. But please don't act like your goddam Phil Spector spotting talent, because frankly, I doubt you know.

Newsflash, 50 is not really the new 30. It's still 50. You also suck at math. Jesus! And btw, 30 is still ancient to your kids anyway.

No matter how cool you think you are, you aren't cool. It's a law of nature. You can't fight it with your Gaga love or new math or any other shit. So please, put all of that aside and just step up, embrace your nerdy self and parent your kids like they need to be parented.

Your kids (and the world) will thank you. Probably in some very indirect way like by asking you to buy more pizza pops or bitching about their texting plan.

International Woman of Communication -- whatever

We went to Mexico over the holidays. I had never been to Mexico before and I loved it, but I was a little disappointed to learn that pronouncing things with a Spanish accent is not exactly the same as speaking fluent Spanish.

Me to son: No, don't worry, I speak Spanish fluently. Cinco de Mayo, por favor.

Well, it turns out I don't because pronouncing English words with a Spanish accent, is also not technically the same thing as actually speaking Spanish. It would be a lot easier if the Mexicans would just do that though.

And by the way I also speak Italian fluently: Pizza! Cappuccino! Nona!

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

Problem: I would like to know what are the cool clothes for the kids today, but I have no idea what they are and no way of finding out. I keep running it over in my mind.

Solution: And then hits me! Go into the coolest store in the entire mall (suburban! lame! whatever!) and just walk right up to the coolest looking (scratch that - could end up being lamest person based on my inability to discern coolness), walk right up to a store employee and ask him or her to simply "hip me up".

Then they tell me something like "Okay, start by not saying 'Hip me up'". And then the whole thing continues south from there.

My cool days, such as they were, are long over, and now my cool-dar is also gone. (I know how uncool it is to say cool-dar!)

And much like people say about fading youth, how you are, today, the youngest you will ever be, this, right here, right now, is the coolest I am every going to get. From here to eternity. (Well, I possibly could be a bit cooler in eternity -- I am assuming there's a cape or something).

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Apps I`d like to see

You know those people who really believe their own press.
The kind of people who cannot tell when other people are blowing smoke up their ass. Someone is all OMIGOD you were so great!
And they are all fake modest about it because in reality they actually believe every word the smoke blower is saying.
They believe it in the Thank God someone finally GETS ME kind of way.

I wonder about those people. Do they still believe it when they are alone.
They probably do.
But they also probably have those deep existential moments of doubt.

It would be good if someone would make an app for that.

In the midst of the doubt, your iPhone would pop on and yell something about what a goddam phony you are.
Like a Holden Caulfield app.

What about an app that will tell me when I am getting my flying car and my goddam robot maid. I have been waiting since 1975.

Also, is there an app that can explain to teenagers that it IS in fact exactly like that.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Americans, Gather Around...

It's time to talk about the messed up way you pronounce words. Version 2.0 ("Cause I know I have had to talk to y'all about this before. And by the way, I have no problem with "y'all" because it's just so awesome. )

Word number one: COUPON. Where do you get the "queue" (kyew) sound from? You're all over our Canadian asses about the "OOt 'n' aboot", which I don't think we even say, and yet you're doing it way worse with KYEWpon.

You all do it, and I know you're doing it and I think you're doing it just to annoy me.

The word is pronounced Coo-pon. There's no Kyew. Here ya go: Cougar, douche, Military coup. Admittedly I had a hard time finding examples with the "oo" sound, and most of the words I did find are French words. But still, I believe my point had been made.

"Man-aise" I can't even...Who the hell are you to just drop entire syllables? You've got a lotta nerve, I'll say that.

But them you get all prissy with "Aunt" pronouncing it "Ahnt". We say ANT, like the country of (super polite) street brawlers that we are.

I can't think of anymore right now, but they are out there...

Monday, September 12, 2011

I know it is boring to talk about Blog Stats...

So, prepare to be bored.

I just took another look at mine and it turns out there are a lot of people who need to know how to pronounce the word "mayonnaise". I get at least three people a week coming to my site to learn the secret to correct pronunciation of that word. (In fairness, I do have a small treatise on it about three feet down.)

Man, just try to envision the situation in which one would find oneself that would require one to google "how to pronounce mayonnaise". Something about it seems sketchy! And stop saying "one"!

People also visit my site to learn about coffee drinking and its effect on acid reflux. I don't have anything written on that, but I'll tell you : DON'T DO IT! Coffee can be a real heart burner.

Have a great day, awesome peeps!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

I Wonder...

if they will be selling some "Baby's First Hockey Riot 2011" souvenirs in Vancouver. A onesie, or maybe a Christmas ornament?

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Everybody Has A Calling?

I was watching those plucky ladies of The View today, and they were discussing, among other things, the idea that everyone has a calling.

When you hear something like that I think it's natural to ask, "What's mine?" I don't know what mine is. Is it a calling to be a little bit irreverent and always either offering (extremely excellent and very helpful) advice or doing everything in your power to stop yourself from offering said advice? Because if there is, that's mine.

What about rolling your eyes and getting really exasperated in a I-Know-You'll-Discover-I-Am-Right-But-Will-Conveniently-Forget-You-Ever-Held-A-Different-Opinion kind of way at Facebook and Twitter-ing? Using Facebook and Twitter on your stupid TV show, in a "Oh, we have a comment from Facebook" or "@Sluttygirl69" says ... btw, are the current "Is the caller there?" Anyone old enough to remember that, Larry King, Phil Donahue, Oprah? Is that a calling?

How about going to Costco and then kicking youself for buying just way too much stupid stuff especially the big bag of chips, which isn't going to help anyone? Calling or no?

Friday, May 06, 2011

Have you ever visited someone's blog, say someone with whom you have some level of aquaintance, however trivial, and looked at their blogroll? Sometimes it's a real short list; othertimes the list is long. Like really long. Super long. And their title is alyways something like: Check out àll my friends and their super awesome reads! It`s those ones to which I am referring, btw (In case I am being too subtle).

Anyhoo, you`re at the site, and you notice the list, and you`re maybe reading posts and just catching up and shit, so you aren`t really reading the blogroll exactly, but you can`t help but notice that you`ve read halfway to Hades and the blogroll is still going on. It`s one of those Blogrolls that includes every person the blogger has ever read, or watched; or admired in some fashion; or feels ironical towards or it`s simply a listing of every person the blogger knows, will know or could potentially know in some form in this lifetime, except for you.

That, my friends, is good for the humility. And fortunately, there`s no shortage of the humility to go around.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Please

Don't mistake kindness and good manners for weakness.

Just FYI.

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

What Happened to Shame?

What happened to shame? Nobody does it anymore.

I don't know if this is just a Canadian thing, but it seems no one ever says anything about anything anymore, other that to say something is "Amaaaaazing!" (Nothing is that amazing, btw)

But some things are shameful. Treating people like crap, beating your kids, gambling away the family house.

I do not suggest we go back to using shame as a way to judge people as a way to make ourselves feel more important or superior to others -- nothing like that. We shouldn't go back to being so awful and judgemental that people just go underground with their bad behaviour. But I do think we should really start pointing shit out.

Ironically everyone is so afraid of being shamed themselves they wont shame anyone, even if they actually do deserve it, for fear of being shamed themselves.

Well Man Up I say! It's time to start calling people out again. For assholism. For nastiness. For cheating. For abuse. For lying. For stealing.

That's what I think anyway.

Yeah yeah I know. I should be ashamed of myself.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I'm having a better today than I was last post, and frankly feel a little embarassed at my petulance and ingratitude (someone got a thesaurus...). After all, asthma is far from the worse lung disease there is, am I right, motherfuckers!?

Valentine's Day: My husband bought me a grocery store bouquet (feh) and my son told me I'd have to share my card with his Dad. That seemed a little gay to me. (Maybe I can still have some hope for a gay son).

And now I have to do what it always seems like I am doing -- go to Costco.

Still living large.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Sigh

I just found out I have asthma. Such a loser disease!

It was already hard to look cool in my Costco track suit. It's infinitely more difficult trying to rock the budget brand Lulu Lemon with an inhaler in your hand.

Really not having a very good day.

Friday, December 10, 2010

I just looks at my Blog stats...

and I discovered that someone is looking at this log from an iPhone. An iPhone! Get your ass into the future, fast, mofos. It is on its way.

An iPhone!

Giving my head a shake right now.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Why?!...

are there so many assholes in the world? Seriously. If you doubt I am right, then come to my son's school's drive through sometime. You'll see. You'll see all too clearly, my friend.

Also, why isn't there more candy in my life? Did I ban it or something? No! Somebody get right on that.

Thirdly, what's with these assholes who start sentences with words like "thirdly". What are you, a former junior college English paper writer?

And most importantly, I hate the fucking suburbs. It occured to me a while ago that in the 10 years we've lived here I haven't met one (openly) gay person. In the city, it was a gay a day, at least. Now, nothing. Total dry spell. No wonder it sucks so much here.

Man, I am in a bad mood. And I am so old now that shopping does not snap me out of it. If anything shopping seems stupid to me now. How the goddam hell is giving goddam Nicole Richie $70 for a crappy t-shirt supposed to make me feel better.

Monday, November 22, 2010

dreams

When I was a girl, I had a dream for myself at 16. I wanted to change my name to Linda, buy a silver Mustang convertible, and get myself two silver poodles to ride in the backseat.

In reality, at 16 I had a mangy cat and a bus pass.

Still, that bus pass was some freedom, huh! In 15-27 minutes I am going to be outta here!

Friday, September 17, 2010

Oldy, please

The other day I was watching the fourth hour of the Today Show, with lovable dinosaurs Kathy Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotbe. As they were making their comments about Lady Gaga at the VMAs it hit me -- these nice old ladies should not be talking about the VMAs.

Time was not too long ago, when young and old were separated by different tastes and interests. All manner of tastes were different -- clothes, hobbies, interests, ambitions, music: The kids had their rock and roll and the parents had their Easy Listenin' or Big Band or whatever it was. Then the Babyboom Generation (you know, the people who will not shut up about The Sixties) decided that they would not only "stay cool", but they'd never get old. Today, old people cannot seem to accept the fact that they are a) old and b) not ever going to be cool again. But so many older people act like they are still 'down with the kids', and not only are they not, but I am seriously starting to doubt they ever were.

Old people, let the kids have their own stuff. Stay off their Facebook, stop pretending to like their music. Let them be young and stupid in private or with their peers alone. You had your turn, and you got to do it without your mom texting you every 15 minutes. Please.

Change out of those RandR jeans and put on your Paul Simon records. It's okay. It's good to be your own age. Really!

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Infernal TV!

Who here is fooled by the "interactivity" schtick that tv producers insist on putting on their stupid tv shows?

Anyone?

I mean the Good Morning America style "Tell us what YOU think about this story on our Facebook page!"

And they read maybe 2 comments, which is supposed to demonstrate how interactive they are. And every show is doing this now. Are there people at home who actually think they are somehow a part of the goddam show because they leave a little message on the GMA Blog? Are people that stupid?

People, please! Don't believe the hype it's a sequel! (Does anyone remember Public Enemy?)

Ant the news now has Facebook and Twitter icons along side their network logo! What the hell? Is it old people not really getting the internet so they think to be hip they have to put up a Twitter ad?

I gotta get off the grid before it drives me crazy.