Shout out to my peeps!

Do people sign up for blogs and then never visit them again?

I am guessing yes.

But, if you have read ahead (or back) you'll know that I do not cotton to site meter, so I can't be a hypocrite and have it on my own site! Plus, I don't really know how to add it. But yeah! It's for my principles, word y'all.

(Do people still say word?") How lame am I!?

Have a good day, y'all.

Oh, and no...

I am not on Facebook and never will be.

Facebook--gah! what a perfect example of nerd's idea of what a cool name is.

Arrrrrrrrrggh!

Milly

Sometimes I fantasize about telling my mother-in-law about what her kids really think about her. How they had unhappy childhoods because of her domineering control and selfishness. How they lived in fear of her rages and how her constant disapproval made them live fearfully and still does.

But I worry that would be a bummer at Easter dinner

Parenting's Hard

I have one child who I like to say does the work of three. He doesn't really, 2.5 tops. I love that kid so much; parents know there are not words to adequately express how much you love your child. The paralyzing fear you feel at the thought that something has gone wrong. It just takes your breath away.

You are so happy to do without so they don't have to -- this is not martyrdom, this is natural. It's being a mother. Moms are not walking around in sweats and mom jeans because they have no self esteem or self respect; they are doing it, I think because they get their joy from their children's joy. Say what you want, mofos, but I think this is a rather beautiful thing, this selflessness.

And your children -- how they bring you such joy! Sometimes! But sometimes they act like assholes.

I think it's time to end the phenom of injured talk show hosts coming out to do their tv shows anyway. I'm looking at you, Ellen DeGeneres, even though I really like you.

I first saw The Amazing Randi wheeled out on a gurney on some Skeptic Special -- he was all bed bound incapacitated, wearing a hospital gown and hooked up to an IV. Frankly it kinda put me off skeptics.

Then, I saw Ellen do it with her back injury. If you are injured, please stay home. I do not need to see your hobbling, pain killer stoked ass on my tv. I have enough problems!

Then I saw Regis Philbin do it today. He came hobbling out on a walker, dressed in a bathrobe. I just about had a conniption fit, and then he tossed off the bathrobe and showed us he had recovered from his senior citizen related surgery. Sweet, Regis -- you got me!

But when Regis Philbin handles injuries the best, and he's 70 something, who's really winning here?

Future Fashion

Just saw a couple of minutes of Star Trek:The Undiscovered Country on tv. By the looks of what the space dudes were wearing I'd say we can look forward to a lot of chenille style robes and tunics! I am super excited! Happy New Year y'all!

Who can I tell this to, except my Dear Diary (aka 'Blog - stupid word) and my awesome peep who is following me. High five, peep, right up top!

I know this is rather down talk for this time of yera, but frankly Christmas is bumming me out. We're having the relatives over on Christmas day for dinner for the third year in a row and no matter how much effort I put in it will be wrong. I seem to suffer from two problems: I do too much/spend too much/make it "unnecessarily fancy" and at the same time I don't do enough/don't have enough craft activities available for the kids to do/make it too casual. It's a difficult pair of problems to overcome. I try hard to be chipper and stay above the fray, but inevitibly I get down about some remark from one of them that strikes me as particularly unkind, and I can always count on my husband to tell me I am being "too sensitive".. Do not fall for that on e, dear Peeper, it's just the modern day, less vulgar way of saying "she's on the rag" and they can use it all year round. I love men!

Earlier I asked my son to finish up what he was doing (like 5 mins) and then come and help me clean a little. I haven't seen him for three hours. Junior man!

And then the bumming me out part is that the years just seem to be going by so fast now, and it feels like just months ago that I put the damn Christmas decorations away and now here I am doing it again. Shopping and cooking and decorating for an entitled group of people who will come over, eat, roll their eyes about how long the turkey is taking, or the fact that the coffee pot is empty, believe me when I say, "No, no that's fine I don't need any help cleaning up!" and then head out the door about five minutes after I am finished working.

Aren't you supposed to end these things with some cute thing about how despite all that you're so glad to do it because it's Christmas and it's all so great!? Well I am not ending it like that.

Julie and Julia

I just finished watching the dvd version of "Julie and Julia". And I am a little sad to say that I expected to like it more than I did. I think it was because I found the Julie Powell character rather unlikeable. I didn't like her for a bunch of reasons, but here's a good example: When Julie made her "pilgrimage" to Julia's kitchen in the Smithsonian, and she pulled out the pound of butter and laid it in front of Julia Child's picture, as though it were a shrine, and said "I love you, Julia!" (You know, all plucky and hat-in-hand sincere and she seems to add, in that spunkly, plucky li'l look "I know you don't like me, but goll darn it I am going to like you anyway!...I momentarily softened. And then that moment passed as quickly as it came and I thought, how goddam contrived! My heart shrank two sizes that day.

And that was the nicest thing she did in the movie!

I feel mean saying that, but it is the truth.

Demoted!

I just got a group email forward wishing me a Merry Christmas and a happy new year. Not to be a nit picker here, but I think New Year's Day has acquired enough cultural significance as a holiday that it now deserves to be capitalized, but whatever, it's Christmas!

My point here is this is from a friend who was once a really close friend -- like best friend close. We've grown apart to be sure -- we haven't spoken in a year or more, and before that our frindship had been fading fast, but still, it bugs me to get this group forward. The email itself seems like the kind of thing one sends to the co-workers who don't warrant even one box of candy out of the 20 dollar multi-pack box of chocolates one buys at Costco.

It's not even a personalized message -- it's group forward! It seems kinda half-assed, frankly it seems kinda one quarter assed to me, but it's Christmas time and I am being generous of spirit!

Inevitably someone will say something like maybe you should be glad to have been remembered at all! But I don't feel that way; I feel a little slighted by the conscious degree of non-effort that went into the greeting.

And that's really all I have to say about that, Forrest Gump.

Yes!

Went to a Christmas party last night where there was "entertainment" put on by some kids. Who doesn't want to watch a bunch of kids they don't know butcher "Frosty the Snowman" in song and then proceed to act out a three act play about said snowman that they have written themselves. Written themselves! No editing! Really needed editing!

Tell me who because I'd like to know where they got the guts to admit that.

I honestly didn't know time could move that slowly; and I have had some really boring profs in my time.

Shout Out to My Peeps, Peep!

I just found out I have a follower. I cannot tell you how awesome that is, _______ (don't want to use your name in case that's not cool, but you know who you are!). High five! Let's come up with a handshake! Shriner style!

You, dear ________ have totally made my day! Thank you.

But seriously, get working on the handshake.

Starbucks Via

Well Sir, I have tried Starbucks new instant coffee. In fact, I have had it twice now, and I will say this: If you can't tell the difference between a cup of Starbucks regular brew and a cup of this Via instant coffee, you may be spending too much money on coffee.

Sure it's good for instant coffee, but that bar is not very high.

Really Funny Book

I bought a book for my husband called Don't Be That Guy: A Collection of 60 Annoying Guys We All Know and Wish We Didn't by Colin Nissan and Sean Farrell.

It is honestly the funniest thing I have read in a long time.

Peeps, Please

OMIGOD the Ladies of the View and the "Is it 'Twitter' or 'Tweet?!'". They are all exasperated and beside themselves trying to figure it out! Former school teacher Joy Behar takes the opportunity to give the ladies a grammar lesson, which seems lost on Sherri and Elizabeth. (Never try to explain anything to a Sherri with an i. They just don't get it). Funny part about that is the teacher was wrong...because...
they have the dude that founded twitter on and he explains it differently.

Did the Twitter people sell their souls to the devil to get all this free publicity.

Am I wrong to just totally not care about how Ashton Kutcher is spending his day. Because I don't.

Honestly, the whole thing bugs me.

When is the internet going to be over, because I think I am ready.

Yah, Hi Again, America

It's been over three months since I praised you for being awesome again and I still haven't heard back from you.

That's going to lose you some awesome points.

Natural consequences. (It's a responsible parenting thing--don't blame me. Blame those fuckers at the Lifetime Channel)

It is just so great that the USA is awesome again.

Welcome back. We missed you and your awesomeness.

I Rate My Own Blog

......Is there a grade higher than A+? Like maybe an A+, on merit, because you earned it, PLUS you screwed your prof.

Because that's what I'd give it. A++

If I were on Ebay, rating myself as a seller, I'd be all A++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++!!!!!!!!

Just writing this blog is like screwing myself.

The Shangri-La Diet...

joins the quark as further proof for the existence of God.

I'll tell you why.

First the quark. Remember when science taught that there was nothing smaller than the atom? Then the scientists found the quark, which was quite a bit smaller. It is like once we have something figured out, God pulls the old switcheroo and changes everything.

Okay, now take EVERYTHING modern science (including the fields of nutrition and medicine) has told us about what is healthy eating. And think of the two most fattening foods you can -- fat and sugar, right?

Correctamundo.

Now, tell me one diet plan that would for goddam sure would not ever work....that would be doing something totally insane like, oh, say, drinking oil and sugar water, right?

And that is the diet. That's what you do to lose weight. I'm not kidding.

Who else but God could make a plan like that work?

Time for An Update, Motherfuckers!

I don't really have anything to say, I just really wanted to find a way to work that title in.

I feel I am so hardcore, for a Mom. Who lives in the suburbs. And buys her track suits at Costco. Then wears them to drive her son to school. And then thinks to herself "Hmm what should I do today?" The decides to rock a Costco trip. It's fucking META hardcore.

That's how I roll.

Site Meter=Bad

I don't really like it when I see someone has site meter because it acts a bit like a telephone answering machine. (You don't need to know why I don't like answering machines either, because this is about site meters, but let's just say, Mr. Boolean, it involves "me" and "acting super dorky" and "People who once admired me maybe losing a little respect because of the loser messages I leave trying to be funny and realizing I wasn't and then trying to save the situation which only makes the message weirder, less funny and generally, the entire situation a lot worse.")

But back to site meter. Why is site meter like an answering machine you want to know? (Wow, you really can't get off that answering machine, can you!?) It's because it leaves a trail. When you visit a site it tells the inconsiderate-enough-to-use-site-meter webmaster where you have been and where you are going on the internet. And I am not cool like most people on the Internet, so I typically don't remember this fact until I have left myself sandwiched between my visits to Rosie O'Donnell's blog and a Google search for Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. (My mind is complicated and it works fast.)

And that's pretty much why I don't like Site Meter.