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Stop taunting me!
Actually, it's okay.
People, have I told you how lucky I am to be the kind of person who needs you?
Is there anything in the world sadder than the trying-to-be-hip housewife? And she's all "That's not how I roll" . We just got you to stop saying "In da house", please do not start up with this "How you roll" business now.
I ask you, sincerely, is there anything sadder than that? Maybe the fake giant boobs. And the tan on the age deteriorated skin.
Be old, that is cool! Be your age. Be your life experience!
Don't try to be young. Don't you remember what a total asshole you were when you were young? I do. I was insufferable.
Be yourself, just the way you are. You're awesome as is.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
I think I might be a PC!
You know that famous TV commercial -- the Apple Computers one -- that's supposedly the greatest commercial ever made -- the Citizen Kane of TV commercials. There's a room full of people dressed the same way, looking grey and extremely dour all bring dictated to, Big Brother (a la the novel 1984, not Julie Chen) style. And then suddenly there's a jogger and she for some reason has a sledgehammer and she throws it at the screen, smashing it and thereby ushering in a new era of computers.
It's all about comformity, maaaan and The Man, maaaan. I get that, but the company that seems to demand conformity and uniformity is Apple, not Microsoft. Microsoft if the company that has every Joe working on programs and add ons and such and Apple is all anal retentive about who can even sell their products.
I like Apple products despite myself, and frankly, I would probably be an Apple customer if it weren't for the creepy feeling it gives me. Plus, I don't drive a Volkswagen, so that may be a problem. I also don't wear "extreme" eyeglass frames. Come on! You know what I am talking about!
Plus, Steve Jobs, get a new outfit already, dude. The black turtleneck / faded Levis looked awesome in 1995. (Casually checking my calendar. ahem) And maybe stop getting so defensive.
"We're not perfect". Did somebody say you were?
It's all about comformity, maaaan and The Man, maaaan. I get that, but the company that seems to demand conformity and uniformity is Apple, not Microsoft. Microsoft if the company that has every Joe working on programs and add ons and such and Apple is all anal retentive about who can even sell their products.
I like Apple products despite myself, and frankly, I would probably be an Apple customer if it weren't for the creepy feeling it gives me. Plus, I don't drive a Volkswagen, so that may be a problem. I also don't wear "extreme" eyeglass frames. Come on! You know what I am talking about!
Plus, Steve Jobs, get a new outfit already, dude. The black turtleneck / faded Levis looked awesome in 1995. (Casually checking my calendar. ahem) And maybe stop getting so defensive.
"We're not perfect". Did somebody say you were?
Friday, July 09, 2010
A Joke About Canadians from Conan O'Brien
With massive overpopulation threatening the globe, Canadians maintain a population of less than 35 million. How do they do it? Zero sex appeal!
Chickka boom
Chickka boom
Thursday, July 01, 2010
English People, We Need to Talk*
That is, if anyone of us can understand what the hell it is you are trying to say!
Yesterday I was enjoying a leisurely scroll (my God, where else are you going to get a quality pun like that one. Not since The Family Circle!) through the Blogosphere (normally wouldn't use that word but need it to keep the dazzling metaphor going) when I happened across a weblog called Whateva Sista that illustates my point about the British vocabulary exceptionally well. You should go check it out.The whole language is practically porn.
1. "Feeling a bit peckish". Sounds dirty
2. "Toad in the Hole". Sounds really dirty and not particularly flattering to either the toad or the hole.
3. "Popped in". Again, dirty sounding.
4. "Sausage roll". As a noun, unappealing. As a verb, dirty!
Let's get it together, Brits!
* Suddenly angry English people who feel like commenting about what an idiot I am and how much I hate English people, let me tell you this. Of course I hate English people, but that is only because of Hugh Grant; and I already know I am an idiot because I have the English 121 paper about Conrad's "Heart of Darkness" in which I refer altogether too much to the "existential horror of man's existence" to prove it. So don't be thinking you're telling me something I don't know. And if you're still tempted to email me, I'm just kidding. Honest. But not about Hugh Grant.
I am reprinting this oldy but goody because of the BP incident in the gulf, to which we can add phrases like "Every effort is being made to plug the hole".
Yesterday I was enjoying a leisurely scroll (my God, where else are you going to get a quality pun like that one. Not since The Family Circle!) through the Blogosphere (normally wouldn't use that word but need it to keep the dazzling metaphor going) when I happened across a weblog called Whateva Sista that illustates my point about the British vocabulary exceptionally well. You should go check it out.The whole language is practically porn.
1. "Feeling a bit peckish". Sounds dirty
2. "Toad in the Hole". Sounds really dirty and not particularly flattering to either the toad or the hole.
3. "Popped in". Again, dirty sounding.
4. "Sausage roll". As a noun, unappealing. As a verb, dirty!
Let's get it together, Brits!
* Suddenly angry English people who feel like commenting about what an idiot I am and how much I hate English people, let me tell you this. Of course I hate English people, but that is only because of Hugh Grant; and I already know I am an idiot because I have the English 121 paper about Conrad's "Heart of Darkness" in which I refer altogether too much to the "existential horror of man's existence" to prove it. So don't be thinking you're telling me something I don't know. And if you're still tempted to email me, I'm just kidding. Honest. But not about Hugh Grant.
I am reprinting this oldy but goody because of the BP incident in the gulf, to which we can add phrases like "Every effort is being made to plug the hole".
Americans, a few things:
I love your president! He's so awesome.
Your iced tea sucks. It's tea with ice. (I am making a big fat face of incredulity right now) Where the hell is the sugar and the fake lemon flavour?
Big Brother is starting again! I love that show!
Is our currency really that funny? "Monopoly money"? Come on, is that the best you've got? I am finding it harder and harder to politely fake laugh about it.
Man, those Cheez Its are delicious. We can't buy them here, so we have the Canadian version called Cheese Nips. They aren't as tasty and the name just seems wrong.
Your highway road signage is fantastic! Bet that's not a compliment you get every day.
Your litterbugishness needs some work. I am just saying. As a general rule, parents, please teach your kids not to throw trash out of a moving car.
And finally, Al Gore and the happy ending request. Thanks for a whole lot of new fodder for my nightmares.
Your iced tea sucks. It's tea with ice. (I am making a big fat face of incredulity right now) Where the hell is the sugar and the fake lemon flavour?
Big Brother is starting again! I love that show!
Is our currency really that funny? "Monopoly money"? Come on, is that the best you've got? I am finding it harder and harder to politely fake laugh about it.
Man, those Cheez Its are delicious. We can't buy them here, so we have the Canadian version called Cheese Nips. They aren't as tasty and the name just seems wrong.
Your highway road signage is fantastic! Bet that's not a compliment you get every day.
Your litterbugishness needs some work. I am just saying. As a general rule, parents, please teach your kids not to throw trash out of a moving car.
And finally, Al Gore and the happy ending request. Thanks for a whole lot of new fodder for my nightmares.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Today's Thoughts
1. Kelly Ripa has a tranny body. Think about it: No boobs, no hips, super lean, very muscly arms. Like it or don't, that is a man's body.
2. Bryant Gumble is the best moderator The View has ever had.
3. The older I get the harder it is to lose weight. I am talking freakishly, super goddam weird hard.
4. I am turning into one of those "the more I get to know people, the more i like my dog!" weirdos. I should get a bumper sticker.
5. I think I might hate Facebook even more than I hate the internet. And that is saying a lot!
2. Bryant Gumble is the best moderator The View has ever had.
3. The older I get the harder it is to lose weight. I am talking freakishly, super goddam weird hard.
4. I am turning into one of those "the more I get to know people, the more i like my dog!" weirdos. I should get a bumper sticker.
5. I think I might hate Facebook even more than I hate the internet. And that is saying a lot!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
One More Thing About LOST
Ghosts talk, people live for hundreds of years, there's a magic well spring of light, a monster made out of smoke and the sideways world is purgatory.
Shyeeeeah.
If you don't watch the show, move on. There's nothing to see here.
Shyeeeeah.
If you don't watch the show, move on. There's nothing to see here.
Oh Beruther, The Jonas Brothers
I cannot tell you how goddam sick I am of hearing girls argue about who's the cuter Jonas brother.
For the love of Mike girls, grow up! There's really nothing to fight about! It's Nick.
For the love of Mike girls, grow up! There's really nothing to fight about! It's Nick.
Boo hoo, ahhh boo hoo ugly cry boo hoo hoo...LOST boo hoooo ba, mub hoo boo
LOST, I am going to be lost without you.
OMIGOD I loved Dr. Jack Sheppard, and seeing him, in the last episode, limping away, holding his injured side, walking slowly and carefully on to what he for sure knew was his own death. It made me cry, and was truly was one of the saddest things I have ever seen on tv. I think Matthew Fox is way underrated as an actor. Plus the handsome. Which, with the sideburns and the side part almost made my tv blow up.
I will miss that show so much.
Also, Terry O'Quinn, what a phemon. Incredible as John Locke, who was for me the most tragic and sympathetic character on the show. And also handsome!
What will I do now on Tuesday nights? Is there any way Matthew Fox could come over?
OMIGOD I loved Dr. Jack Sheppard, and seeing him, in the last episode, limping away, holding his injured side, walking slowly and carefully on to what he for sure knew was his own death. It made me cry, and was truly was one of the saddest things I have ever seen on tv. I think Matthew Fox is way underrated as an actor. Plus the handsome. Which, with the sideburns and the side part almost made my tv blow up.
I will miss that show so much.
Also, Terry O'Quinn, what a phemon. Incredible as John Locke, who was for me the most tragic and sympathetic character on the show. And also handsome!
What will I do now on Tuesday nights? Is there any way Matthew Fox could come over?
Monday, April 26, 2010
Marital Advice from Some Broad On the Internet (what more could you want?)
Here is my recipe for a lasting marriage:
Lower your expectations.
I say it glibly, but that doesn't make it any less true.
Lower your expectations.
I say it glibly, but that doesn't make it any less true.
Friday, March 26, 2010
The Upside of Neuroses
Yesterday I told the old b 'n' c that I had developed an irrational fear that there was a family of mice living in my laundry basket.
Crazy?
Just crazy enough that I don't have to do laundry anymore.
Crazy?
Just crazy enough that I don't have to do laundry anymore.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Ode
Oh Other Mom with grey roots who I saw at the mailbox and who lives in my subdivision,
We should be friends.
How awesome you are with your grey roots showing about two months worth of growth -- high five.
Why don't we know each other
And provide each other with a safe haven from all the other moms in the subdivision with "trendy" tattoos and boob jobs
We could hang out
And wear our Costco pants
While we drink coffee
And talk about how we don't like to use pesticides in our yards
I hope your expedited letter showed up
I know you were waiting for it
We should be friends.
How awesome you are with your grey roots showing about two months worth of growth -- high five.
Why don't we know each other
And provide each other with a safe haven from all the other moms in the subdivision with "trendy" tattoos and boob jobs
We could hang out
And wear our Costco pants
While we drink coffee
And talk about how we don't like to use pesticides in our yards
I hope your expedited letter showed up
I know you were waiting for it
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Have you noticed that some people add a tag line to their blogs explaining that the blog is funny. Like:
Blog Title
Then tag it! (And capitalize every word, because what the fuck):
Subtle, Witty Humour About A Day In The Life Of A Single Working Person
My thoughts on this are as follows:
1. It is borderline sad when you have to tell people that your blog is funny.
1a. Props to you for adding in the "subtle, witty" part because that covers your ass in an argument with a stupid person ("Oh, it's subtle wit--I thought it just wasn't funny).
1b. If you don't get my humour, it's subtle wit. I'm just saying.
2. Who started the whole "day in the life" thing? And why did they start it exactly?
3. If you are telling me something is subtle, it ceases to be subtle. Again, just saying.
Blog Title
Then tag it! (And capitalize every word, because what the fuck):
Subtle, Witty Humour About A Day In The Life Of A Single Working Person
My thoughts on this are as follows:
1. It is borderline sad when you have to tell people that your blog is funny.
1a. Props to you for adding in the "subtle, witty" part because that covers your ass in an argument with a stupid person ("Oh, it's subtle wit--I thought it just wasn't funny).
1b. If you don't get my humour, it's subtle wit. I'm just saying.
2. Who started the whole "day in the life" thing? And why did they start it exactly?
3. If you are telling me something is subtle, it ceases to be subtle. Again, just saying.
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Thinking of my son's experience at school,
I'd have to say that it is really difficult to be a boy these days.
I could say an awful lot about this, but I am not in the mood this morning. Suffice it to say that these days schools are set up to accomodate girls and girls' learning styles.
Boys routinely get into trouble for learning in the boy style, which is unacceptable to most elementary and middle grade teachers who are themelseves former girls, (being women now, wisenheimers) and who see their idealized version of the classroom learning experience through the eyes of a girl.
My son and his friends got into big go-to-the-principal's-office trouble for being too noisy outside on the playground at lunch. Parents everywhere should be very alarmed to hear that. It is not a good sign.
But maybe more on this later when I don't feel so totally demoralized about it.
And just as a p.s. Fuck you, John Mayer and your goddam stupid "boys you can break; you find out how much they can take. Boys will be strong..." lyric. I have no doubt that that was your experience of childhood. Your excessive confidence, which frankly looks a lot like narcissism probably shielded you from most childhood hurts. But I can assure you, that not all boys are fixable once they are broken. And some are broken way too easily.
But thanks alot for making things even more difficult for boys. You're quite the goddam hero, asshole.
I could say an awful lot about this, but I am not in the mood this morning. Suffice it to say that these days schools are set up to accomodate girls and girls' learning styles.
Boys routinely get into trouble for learning in the boy style, which is unacceptable to most elementary and middle grade teachers who are themelseves former girls, (being women now, wisenheimers) and who see their idealized version of the classroom learning experience through the eyes of a girl.
My son and his friends got into big go-to-the-principal's-office trouble for being too noisy outside on the playground at lunch. Parents everywhere should be very alarmed to hear that. It is not a good sign.
But maybe more on this later when I don't feel so totally demoralized about it.
And just as a p.s. Fuck you, John Mayer and your goddam stupid "boys you can break; you find out how much they can take. Boys will be strong..." lyric. I have no doubt that that was your experience of childhood. Your excessive confidence, which frankly looks a lot like narcissism probably shielded you from most childhood hurts. But I can assure you, that not all boys are fixable once they are broken. And some are broken way too easily.
But thanks alot for making things even more difficult for boys. You're quite the goddam hero, asshole.
Monday, March 01, 2010
2010 Closing Ceremonies (like anyone cares now)
For those of you who missed it, here's my mini-review of the 2010 Closing Ceremonies:
(prepare to be mini-enlightened!)
These are my thoughts as they occurred:
1. Wow, I didn't know Lindsay Lohan was Canadian.
2. Oh, she's not. That's someone else.
3. How long does this song go on for?
4. It's amazing how much longer it feels sung in French.
5. This whole thing is like a really fancy, really eleaborate high school theatrical production.
6. Complete with speeches from the Principal and other people you aren't really interested in hearing. At this point I was tempted to pass a note to my husband. Then I remembered that I was not in highschool anymore.
7. Wow, Bill Shatner; no one is getting your jokes.
8. Wow, Michael J. Fox; no one is getting your jokes.
9. Wow, Catherine O'Hara; no one is getting your jokes.
10. Neil Young reminded me of the counsellor at camp who brought his guitar and then he'd bring it out and you'd know you'd have to sing around the campfire. Either that or risk him being free to wander around the camp talking to girls about how awesome it is to explore their sexuality. Except at camp, the dude wasn't usually 1000 years old. But still, it was cool because it was Neil Young. Or at least I am guessing it was because it looked like a super old dude who could have been Neil Young's grandfather. (Kinda weirded me out).
11. Alanis Morisette I liked. Stupid Ryan Reynolds!
12. Simple Plan is Canadian?
13. Hedley is Canadian?
14. Nickelback. I want my nickel back!
(prepare to be mini-enlightened!)
These are my thoughts as they occurred:
1. Wow, I didn't know Lindsay Lohan was Canadian.
2. Oh, she's not. That's someone else.
3. How long does this song go on for?
4. It's amazing how much longer it feels sung in French.
5. This whole thing is like a really fancy, really eleaborate high school theatrical production.
6. Complete with speeches from the Principal and other people you aren't really interested in hearing. At this point I was tempted to pass a note to my husband. Then I remembered that I was not in highschool anymore.
7. Wow, Bill Shatner; no one is getting your jokes.
8. Wow, Michael J. Fox; no one is getting your jokes.
9. Wow, Catherine O'Hara; no one is getting your jokes.
10. Neil Young reminded me of the counsellor at camp who brought his guitar and then he'd bring it out and you'd know you'd have to sing around the campfire. Either that or risk him being free to wander around the camp talking to girls about how awesome it is to explore their sexuality. Except at camp, the dude wasn't usually 1000 years old. But still, it was cool because it was Neil Young. Or at least I am guessing it was because it looked like a super old dude who could have been Neil Young's grandfather. (Kinda weirded me out).
11. Alanis Morisette I liked. Stupid Ryan Reynolds!
12. Simple Plan is Canadian?
13. Hedley is Canadian?
14. Nickelback. I want my nickel back!
Friday, February 26, 2010
Some things I have noticed, (almost) post Olympics.
Stephen Colbert is kind of a dink.
Goddam Brits! I just saw a journalist or Radiotimesist, or whatever the hell they call themselves on tv talking about some act of buffoonery being "unCanadian".
Number one, what they hell do you know about what it is to be Canadian? How typoical British, to think you know. Honestly. And number two, don't ever tell me that something dorky is unCanadian. We in Canada know nerdy and uncool. Just check out our PM. (BUt he is awesome! Please don't audit me, Rev Can)
The Ruskies are sore losers. Two days after Canada beat them in a hockey game they started trash talking our our country, our military and our whole way of life in their paper, Pravda.
Really, it's just one game, dudes, and Canada has been there plenty of times before. I think Russia almost always beats Canada in the Olympics. Our only chance at ever winning a gold is when we are paired against the USA (holla!). Kidding! We also have a chance against Finland. Kidding again (the USA just kicked our butts in the last hockey game we played). But Russians, when you act like such assholes, it really makes me feel like I need to apologize. (You know, being Canadian and all). So let me say, on behalf of Canadians everywhere, I am really, really sorry that your Russian hockey team sucks so badly.
Goddam Brits! I just saw a journalist or Radiotimesist, or whatever the hell they call themselves on tv talking about some act of buffoonery being "unCanadian".
Number one, what they hell do you know about what it is to be Canadian? How typoical British, to think you know. Honestly. And number two, don't ever tell me that something dorky is unCanadian. We in Canada know nerdy and uncool. Just check out our PM. (BUt he is awesome! Please don't audit me, Rev Can)
The Ruskies are sore losers. Two days after Canada beat them in a hockey game they started trash talking our our country, our military and our whole way of life in their paper, Pravda.
Really, it's just one game, dudes, and Canada has been there plenty of times before. I think Russia almost always beats Canada in the Olympics. Our only chance at ever winning a gold is when we are paired against the USA (holla!). Kidding! We also have a chance against Finland. Kidding again (the USA just kicked our butts in the last hockey game we played). But Russians, when you act like such assholes, it really makes me feel like I need to apologize. (You know, being Canadian and all). So let me say, on behalf of Canadians everywhere, I am really, really sorry that your Russian hockey team sucks so badly.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Canadians!
I am watching Olympic hockey right now, (I'm Canadian! We have to). It's Canada vs. Switzerland, in case you are actually reading.
Canadians in the crowd, please lose the stupid "This is OUR game" signs. They are nerdy!
Canadians in the crowd, please lose the stupid "This is OUR game" signs. They are nerdy!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Can Just Any Idiot Have A Blog?
Yes! The answer is yes!
Take me for instance. I have difficulty operating an answering machine.
I just left a message for a friend (a friend mind you, not a super cute boy when I was 14) and here's how it sounded: (with an analysis in red)
Me: Oh hi. Wow, my timing sucks! Kay, first, who is this?
Me: Haha! Nice laugh!
Me: Where are you? Has someone invented the answering machine that answers personal questions now, because if so, I'd like to get one!
Me again: Oh anyway I guess you're not home. What was your first clue, Matlock?!
Me: I am just heading out to Safeway, but, if you feel like a chat, give me a call. Because I am leaving the house and won't be home?
Still me: Or not, but call me if you need anything (she had recently had a medical procedure). Do you need anything from Safeway? Again, won't be home to take the call for help.
Me again: Okay, talk to you later!
I'm a dork.
Take me for instance. I have difficulty operating an answering machine.
I just left a message for a friend (a friend mind you, not a super cute boy when I was 14) and here's how it sounded: (with an analysis in red)
Me: Oh hi. Wow, my timing sucks! Kay, first, who is this?
Me: Haha! Nice laugh!
Me: Where are you? Has someone invented the answering machine that answers personal questions now, because if so, I'd like to get one!
Me again: Oh anyway I guess you're not home. What was your first clue, Matlock?!
Me: I am just heading out to Safeway, but, if you feel like a chat, give me a call. Because I am leaving the house and won't be home?
Still me: Or not, but call me if you need anything (she had recently had a medical procedure). Do you need anything from Safeway? Again, won't be home to take the call for help.
Me again: Okay, talk to you later!
I'm a dork.
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