This is actually a serious post today, about parenting. As a mom, I am annoyed at other parents. I find so many of them simply abandon their responsibilities because their kids give them some grief. But, really, that's when you have to step it up, when you're actually getting the grief.

When your kid mouths off, storms off, disobeys and you respond by rolling your eyes, or throwing your hands up, or complaining about how awful she is, you're literally training your child to mouth off to you. The message you're sending is this: "If you want to me to back off/stop talking/not discipline you" just mouth off because I'll throw my hands up in the air and stop parenting. Parent your kids, especially when it's hard.

I also think you should:

Get off fucking Facebook. You're not 17, no matter how much you want to be.

Stop pretending to "get" Lady Gaga. I could puke from the number of times I hear parents say stupid fucking parent things like "Well she's controversial, sure, but she's really talented!". Is she? Would you actually know what "really talented" is? Or are you getting confused by the meat dress? She wrote some catchy songs that seem very derivative of Madonna. She can sing. Feh, whatever. But please don't act like your goddam Phil Spector spotting talent, because frankly, I doubt you know.

Newsflash, 50 is not really the new 30. It's still 50. You also suck at math. Jesus! And btw, 30 is still ancient to your kids anyway.

No matter how cool you think you are, you aren't cool. It's a law of nature. You can't fight it with your Gaga love or new math or any other shit. So please, put all of that aside and just step up, embrace your nerdy self and parent your kids like they need to be parented.

Your kids (and the world) will thank you. Probably in some very indirect way like by asking you to buy more pizza pops or bitching about their texting plan.

International Woman of Communication -- whatever

We went to Mexico over the holidays. I had never been to Mexico before and I loved it, but I was a little disappointed to learn that pronouncing things with a Spanish accent is not exactly the same as speaking fluent Spanish.

Me to son: No, don't worry, I speak Spanish fluently. Cinco de Mayo, por favor.

Well, it turns out I don't because pronouncing English words with a Spanish accent, is also not technically the same thing as actually speaking Spanish. It would be a lot easier if the Mexicans would just do that though.

And by the way I also speak Italian fluently: Pizza! Cappuccino! Nona!

Problem: I would like to know what are the cool clothes for the kids today, but I have no idea what they are and no way of finding out. I keep running it over in my mind.

Solution: And then hits me! Go into the coolest store in the entire mall (suburban! lame! whatever!) and just walk right up to the coolest looking (scratch that - could end up being lamest person based on my inability to discern coolness), walk right up to a store employee and ask him or her to simply "hip me up".

Then they tell me something like "Okay, start by not saying 'Hip me up'". And then the whole thing continues south from there.

My cool days, such as they were, are long over, and now my cool-dar is also gone. (I know how uncool it is to say cool-dar!)

And much like people say about fading youth, how you are, today, the youngest you will ever be, this, right here, right now, is the coolest I am every going to get. From here to eternity. (Well, I possibly could be a bit cooler in eternity -- I am assuming there's a cape or something).

Apps I`d like to see

You know those people who really believe their own press.
The kind of people who cannot tell when other people are blowing smoke up their ass. Someone is all OMIGOD you were so great!
And they are all fake modest about it because in reality they actually believe every word the smoke blower is saying.
They believe it in the Thank God someone finally GETS ME kind of way.

I wonder about those people. Do they still believe it when they are alone.
They probably do.
But they also probably have those deep existential moments of doubt.

It would be good if someone would make an app for that.

In the midst of the doubt, your iPhone would pop on and yell something about what a goddam phony you are.
Like a Holden Caulfield app.

What about an app that will tell me when I am getting my flying car and my goddam robot maid. I have been waiting since 1975.

Also, is there an app that can explain to teenagers that it IS in fact exactly like that.

Americans, Gather Around...

It's time to talk about the messed up way you pronounce words. Version 2.0 ("Cause I know I have had to talk to y'all about this before. And by the way, I have no problem with "y'all" because it's just so awesome. )

Word number one: COUPON. Where do you get the "queue" (kyew) sound from? You're all over our Canadian asses about the "OOt 'n' aboot", which I don't think we even say, and yet you're doing it way worse with KYEWpon.

You all do it, and I know you're doing it and I think you're doing it just to annoy me.

The word is pronounced Coo-pon. There's no Kyew. Here ya go: Cougar, douche, Military coup. Admittedly I had a hard time finding examples with the "oo" sound, and most of the words I did find are French words. But still, I believe my point had been made.

"Man-aise" I can't even...Who the hell are you to just drop entire syllables? You've got a lotta nerve, I'll say that.

But them you get all prissy with "Aunt" pronouncing it "Ahnt". We say ANT, like the country of (super polite) street brawlers that we are.

I can't think of anymore right now, but they are out there...

I know it is boring to talk about Blog Stats...

So, prepare to be bored.

I just took another look at mine and it turns out there are a lot of people who need to know how to pronounce the word "mayonnaise". I get at least three people a week coming to my site to learn the secret to correct pronunciation of that word. (In fairness, I do have a small treatise on it about three feet down.)

Man, just try to envision the situation in which one would find oneself that would require one to google "how to pronounce mayonnaise". Something about it seems sketchy! And stop saying "one"!

People also visit my site to learn about coffee drinking and its effect on acid reflux. I don't have anything written on that, but I'll tell you : DON'T DO IT! Coffee can be a real heart burner.

Have a great day, awesome peeps!

I Wonder...

if they will be selling some "Baby's First Hockey Riot 2011" souvenirs in Vancouver. A onesie, or maybe a Christmas ornament?

Everybody Has A Calling?

I was watching those plucky ladies of The View today, and they were discussing, among other things, the idea that everyone has a calling.

When you hear something like that I think it's natural to ask, "What's mine?" I don't know what mine is. Is it a calling to be a little bit irreverent and always either offering (extremely excellent and very helpful) advice or doing everything in your power to stop yourself from offering said advice? Because if there is, that's mine.

What about rolling your eyes and getting really exasperated in a I-Know-You'll-Discover-I-Am-Right-But-Will-Conveniently-Forget-You-Ever-Held-A-Different-Opinion kind of way at Facebook and Twitter-ing? Using Facebook and Twitter on your stupid TV show, in a "Oh, we have a comment from Facebook" or "@Sluttygirl69" says ... btw, are the current "Is the caller there?" Anyone old enough to remember that, Larry King, Phil Donahue, Oprah? Is that a calling?

How about going to Costco and then kicking youself for buying just way too much stupid stuff especially the big bag of chips, which isn't going to help anyone? Calling or no?

Have you ever visited someone's blog, say someone with whom you have some level of aquaintance, however trivial, and looked at their blogroll? Sometimes it's a real short list; othertimes the list is long. Like really long. Super long. And their title is alyways something like: Check out àll my friends and their super awesome reads! It`s those ones to which I am referring, btw (In case I am being too subtle).

Anyhoo, you`re at the site, and you notice the list, and you`re maybe reading posts and just catching up and shit, so you aren`t really reading the blogroll exactly, but you can`t help but notice that you`ve read halfway to Hades and the blogroll is still going on. It`s one of those Blogrolls that includes every person the blogger has ever read, or watched; or admired in some fashion; or feels ironical towards or it`s simply a listing of every person the blogger knows, will know or could potentially know in some form in this lifetime, except for you.

That, my friends, is good for the humility. And fortunately, there`s no shortage of the humility to go around.

Please

Don't mistake kindness and good manners for weakness.

Just FYI.

What Happened to Shame?

What happened to shame? Nobody does it anymore.

I don't know if this is just a Canadian thing, but it seems no one ever says anything about anything anymore, other that to say something is "Amaaaaazing!" (Nothing is that amazing, btw)

But some things are shameful. Treating people like crap, beating your kids, gambling away the family house.

I do not suggest we go back to using shame as a way to judge people as a way to make ourselves feel more important or superior to others -- nothing like that. We shouldn't go back to being so awful and judgemental that people just go underground with their bad behaviour. But I do think we should really start pointing shit out.

Ironically everyone is so afraid of being shamed themselves they wont shame anyone, even if they actually do deserve it, for fear of being shamed themselves.

Well Man Up I say! It's time to start calling people out again. For assholism. For nastiness. For cheating. For abuse. For lying. For stealing.

That's what I think anyway.

Yeah yeah I know. I should be ashamed of myself.

I'm having a better today than I was last post, and frankly feel a little embarassed at my petulance and ingratitude (someone got a thesaurus...). After all, asthma is far from the worse lung disease there is, am I right, motherfuckers!?

Valentine's Day: My husband bought me a grocery store bouquet (feh) and my son told me I'd have to share my card with his Dad. That seemed a little gay to me. (Maybe I can still have some hope for a gay son).

And now I have to do what it always seems like I am doing -- go to Costco.

Still living large.

Sigh

I just found out I have asthma. Such a loser disease!

It was already hard to look cool in my Costco track suit. It's infinitely more difficult trying to rock the budget brand Lulu Lemon with an inhaler in your hand.

Really not having a very good day.

I just looks at my Blog stats...

and I discovered that someone is looking at this log from an iPhone. An iPhone! Get your ass into the future, fast, mofos. It is on its way.

An iPhone!

Giving my head a shake right now.

Why?!...

are there so many assholes in the world? Seriously. If you doubt I am right, then come to my son's school's drive through sometime. You'll see. You'll see all too clearly, my friend.

Also, why isn't there more candy in my life? Did I ban it or something? No! Somebody get right on that.

Thirdly, what's with these assholes who start sentences with words like "thirdly". What are you, a former junior college English paper writer?

And most importantly, I hate the fucking suburbs. It occured to me a while ago that in the 10 years we've lived here I haven't met one (openly) gay person. In the city, it was a gay a day, at least. Now, nothing. Total dry spell. No wonder it sucks so much here.

Man, I am in a bad mood. And I am so old now that shopping does not snap me out of it. If anything shopping seems stupid to me now. How the goddam hell is giving goddam Nicole Richie $70 for a crappy t-shirt supposed to make me feel better.

dreams

When I was a girl, I had a dream for myself at 16. I wanted to change my name to Linda, buy a silver Mustang convertible, and get myself two silver poodles to ride in the backseat.

In reality, at 16 I had a mangy cat and a bus pass.

Still, that bus pass was some freedom, huh! In 15-27 minutes I am going to be outta here!

Oldy, please

The other day I was watching the fourth hour of the Today Show, with lovable dinosaurs Kathy Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotbe. As they were making their comments about Lady Gaga at the VMAs it hit me -- these nice old ladies should not be talking about the VMAs.

Time was not too long ago, when young and old were separated by different tastes and interests. All manner of tastes were different -- clothes, hobbies, interests, ambitions, music: The kids had their rock and roll and the parents had their Easy Listenin' or Big Band or whatever it was. Then the Babyboom Generation (you know, the people who will not shut up about The Sixties) decided that they would not only "stay cool", but they'd never get old. Today, old people cannot seem to accept the fact that they are a) old and b) not ever going to be cool again. But so many older people act like they are still 'down with the kids', and not only are they not, but I am seriously starting to doubt they ever were.

Old people, let the kids have their own stuff. Stay off their Facebook, stop pretending to like their music. Let them be young and stupid in private or with their peers alone. You had your turn, and you got to do it without your mom texting you every 15 minutes. Please.

Change out of those RandR jeans and put on your Paul Simon records. It's okay. It's good to be your own age. Really!

Infernal TV!

Who here is fooled by the "interactivity" schtick that tv producers insist on putting on their stupid tv shows?

Anyone?

I mean the Good Morning America style "Tell us what YOU think about this story on our Facebook page!"

And they read maybe 2 comments, which is supposed to demonstrate how interactive they are. And every show is doing this now. Are there people at home who actually think they are somehow a part of the goddam show because they leave a little message on the GMA Blog? Are people that stupid?

People, please! Don't believe the hype it's a sequel! (Does anyone remember Public Enemy?)

Ant the news now has Facebook and Twitter icons along side their network logo! What the hell? Is it old people not really getting the internet so they think to be hip they have to put up a Twitter ad?

I gotta get off the grid before it drives me crazy.

Alaska Cruise

Well, Dear Reader, I am here to tell you that my family just returned from a cruise to Alaska. You heard me, Alaska. How dare you judge me!

Interesting facts about cruising to Alaska:

1. No way you're the fattest person on the cruise. Not even close. Go ahead and eat some more cheesecake because most of the people here are fatter than you.

2. No way you're old. See number one above, and while you're at it, have some more cheesecake because you're still not the fattest.

3. Sometimes seniors get cranky, and once they start up, it's hard to get them off topic. What's it to you, you may be asking? Well, nothing, unless you're stuck with them at dinner then the bitching about how far you have to walk to the elevators gets real old, real fast. I can only be all "Yes, that IS far to walk!" for like 15 minutes. 20 at the most. I don't need the wife chiming in, too.

4. Cruise ship directors are awful, evil people. I am talking to you, Gene. And Julie from the Loveboat. You know what you did.

5. Can we just call it Alaska? Do we have to say Ahhhh LASSSS K AAAAAAAh! everytime? Again, talking to you Gene.

6. Pronouncing it Ahhhh LASSSS K AAAAAAAh does not make the eight block town anymore exciting. I don't care what Captain Stubing told you, it doesn't.

7. Yes, I can confirm that cruise ships are floating buffets.

8. The entertainment on cruise ships -- ai yi yi I am going to have to sub classify this topic.
a) The Big Song and Dance Show: This is one of those situations where you are really wondering if you and the lady next to you, who is simply raving about how fan-fucking-tastic the show was are watching the same show. I don't think so because all I saw was a really cheezy rendition of If I Could Turn Back Time (yes it can get even cheesier that Cher does it) and some abomination with several singer/dancers that was supposed to be a 1940s retrospective. You know, for the old fuckers on board. To say the show was bad does not do justice to its (equally) sad component. Watching it made me feel partially puzzled and partially violated, like Kenny G touched me in a bad place, and you're thinking eww and also you're thinking that's weird because I thought Kenny G was gay.

b) There was also a juggler. Bet you didn't know they still had those! Well they do, and they are about as entertaining as you would imagine they'd be.

c) There was a comedian. He was good.

d) And finally the sad comic-magician, who simply begged for people to give him good ratings on their cruise survey. We saw him in the buffet, eating with a friend. We were glad he had a friend. Seriously, the dude made us sad for him.

McSweeney's

Does anyone read the really great McSweeney's Internet Tendency? If you don't, you should. It's really funny.

Anyhoo, they do these Lists over there, and I was just reading them and I made my own:

Canadian Superheroes Who Are Well Known in Canada but Not in the US Because, Typical!, You Don't Even Bother to get to Know Anything About Canada, Unless It's Bad News, Then You're All "Woo hoo double murder in Canada today"/Nicknamess for Former Boyfriends of Mine.

Fake Polite Man -- pretends to like your parents then talks about how "weird yet boring" (like that's even possible), your entire family is behind your back.

Canadian Ivy Leaguer -- apparently there's a Canadian uni that's part of the Ivy League. I forget the name now. Stuns you into bored silence by constantly reminding you he attended an "IVY LEAGUE" school.

Heartbreaker Man -- The dude who can emotionally cripple people for like three months at a time because he just breaks up with you for no reason, but politely.

Hockey Man -- the guy who rescues other dudes from bad situations like, for example, the time when you were really having a heart to heart with your then boyfriend and almost had him to the point of talking about taking your relationship to the next level, by phoning up and telling them to put on the CBC right now to catch the most awesome goal on the replay.

Hypno Crazy Coloured Money Man -- This dude will hypnotize you with all his flashy, "crazily" coloured (big goddam eyeroll from Canada - like green is so sensible. It's not, you're just used to it) bills, and make you think he's going to spend it on you, but turns out he's super cheap, so that's kind of his power.

Superman -- I said yeah, motherfucker. Superman is Canadian.