English People*, We Need To Talk

That is, if anyone of us can understand what the hell it is you are trying to say!

Yesterday I was enjoying a leisurely scroll (my God, where else are you going to get a quality pun like that one. Not since The Family Circle!) through the Blogosphere (normally wouldn't use that word but need it to keep the dazzling metaphor going) when I happened across a weblog called Whateva Sista that illustates my point about the British vocabulary exceptionally well. You should go check it out.

The whole language is practically porn.

1. "Feeling a bit peckish". Sounds dirty

2. "Toad in the Hole". Sounds really dirty and not particularly flattering to either the toad or the hole.

3. "Popped in". Again, dirty sounding.

4. "Sausage roll". As a noun, unappealing. As a verb, dirty!

Let's get it together, Brits!

* Suddenly angry English people who feel like commenting about what an idiot I am and how much I hate English people, let me tell you this. Of course I hate English people, but that is only because of Hugh Grant; and I already know I am an idiot because I have the English 121 paper about Conrad's "Heart of Darkness" in which I refer altogether too much to the "existential horror of man's existence" to prove it. So don't be thinking you're telling me something I don't know. And if you're still tempted to email me, I'm just kidding. Honest. But not about Hugh Grant.

Yes, I Watched the Academy Awards

and that is three hours of my life I will never get back.

A couple of things I learned:

Sean Penn not only has no sense of humour, he is also a world leader is the ancient art of Buzzkill. I am pretty sure he stole that title from my elementary school librarian who had a one-two-three punch that would instantly and simultaeously shut you up-make you feel guilty-bring down the room. KAPOW! Sean Penn, you make Mrs. Olmsteader proud.

Seeing the "lesser" awards being handed out made me realize that somewhere in the world people are still doing that cruel thing to fat kids in gym class, where they have to stand up in a line and wait to be chosen, only to discover they never will be. But now they do that in front of a billion people!

Beyonce is the now only singer left in the whole world, oh except for that other singer, (!?!) Antonio Banderas.

Hillary Swank is married to Chad Lowe!

Words I Have Never Really Been Comfortable With

1. Boogie

2. Lover

3. Whimsical

4. Ponderings

5. "Mr. D.J."

Bad Decisions I Have Made and the Reasoning Behind Them

1. In High School I refused to take typing because I "didn't want to be a secretary". What I failed to see in all my 15 year old wisdom was that it's not just secretaries who type.

2. I took a specialized archaeolgy course in Human Osteology because I thought it "sounded neat". By the time I discovered it was more "really hard" than neat, it was too late to withdraw.

3. Bought Beanie Babies as "an investment".

4. Made friends with the weirdo girl no one wanted to be friends with because I felt sorry for her. Turns out there were reasons no one wanted to befriend her.

Hey Blogger by Google, Want Some Tips For Improving Your Service? Well, Here You Go

1. Find a way to get my computer to dispense soft drinks. That way, instead of cursing your asses when my blog takes 20 minutes to load, I will just sit back and sip a soda. Win-win!

2. Modify your search engine so it can find my keys. That one's just for the people.

3. Make a Google Time Machine. And when you do, man am I going to use that. (First stop, go back to the 80s and stop myself from trying to sign up for the Robbie Neville fan club, like a dork!)

I await my thank you note.

Delicious and Suspicious

I do not like sushi, largely because of its unpleasant taste, and also because in some ways it makes me think of "The Emporer's New Clothes". And the people I know who say they love sushi, always say it like this : "I loooooooooooooove sushi!"

And I say, "the rice, with the seaweed and the raw fish?"

And they usually add something like "Well, there's also cucumber!" They seem defensive about it, which adds to my theory that people only pretend to like it.

Then I weigh that theory against the fact that it is the number one snack food in Japan, and that it seems unlikely that the entire population of Japan, who to the best of my knowledge I have not met, not to mention hundreds of thousands of people all over the world are only eating it to prove me wrong.

But you never know.

Scrappy!

I love the Simpsons, but that Poochie episode, come on! Despite what The Man (yes Simpsons writers, that is what you have become!) tries to make you think, Scrappy Doo was a cute, no, super cute puppy, who wise cracked! What's not to like: a puppy, plus a wise ass, it's an unbeatable combination! Why can't the haters see that?

Here is something that has been bothering me for a long time

Why was my girlhood idol, Veronica Lodge, so totally obsessed with Archie Andrews, when Reggie was right there in front of her? WHY!? Reggie was way better looking, plus he has that cool sports car, and Archie was driving around in a jalopy for God's sake! Archie was also two-timing her with that insipid Betty Cooper. Betty Cooper! Really, the idea is preposterous. Uh, did Betty Cooper's parents have a pool? No, they did not.

It just blows all the Archie Comics credibility.

Assessing Famous People's Suitability for Potential Matrimony

John Travolta:

Tends towards the chubby side, sure, but that tells me he is always going to be up for ordering a pizza late at night. Extremely convenient for air travel. Not going to embarass you with the "dance moves" at your cousin's wedding (not mentioning any names but looking casually, but decidedly at my present husband). Overall rating: B

Brad Pitt:

Duh! He's Brad Pitt. On the negative, his fondness for architecture and design could lead to too many annoying home renovations. Extremely unlikely to order a pizza late at night. Overall: B+

Tom Cruise:

Also a looker and a humanitarian! Could be tiresome with the Scientology tips. May get lots of phone calls from Rosie O'Donnell. Excellent driver. Overall: A-

Michael Moore:

Would probably know his way around a kitchen and likely has a good repertoire of easy-to-make snacks. Constant bitching about politics could bring a sister down. Overall: C

Sigfried:

Loves cats. Very fancy dresser. Matrimony may come with built-in job as magician's assistant. Could be on the rebound from long term relationship. With no known last name, may have to refer to oneself as "Mrs. Sigfried". Overall C-

George Cloony:

Purported laugh-a-minute prankster. Animal lover. Boyish grin. Accustomed to bachelor lifestyle so could have lots of parties with the Ocean's Eleven gang, leaving den frequently covered in potato chip crumbs, and he is probably not much of a vacuumer. Overall B-


Interactive Section!

I got an email from a very nice lady who wondered why I had not mentioned Prince Harry, or as she put it P. Hizzo, which cracked me up. So without further ado,

Prince Harry:

On the plus: Lots of youthful vitality, opportunities to attend many charity balls, marriage would come with title other than "Miss Thang" (or less polite variants). On the negative: seems to find the evil Third Reich "kooky". Extremely poor judgment. Overall: F

Dear Barista

I would like to apologize to the Starbucks employee who had the bad luck to get me for a customer this morning. When I said "May I have a non fat latte, please", I wasn't even thinking about how taxing it is to be an urban hipster at a suburban Starbucks. So I totally understand why you had to glare at me like that. Then, when I added "Grande please", I wasn't even thinking about how already occupied your mind is with thoughts of, well, contempt for one, but also your own goatee and piercing management, or the beat poetry you may have been writing in your head at the time. My behaviour was simply beyond the pale when I added, "Not too much foam please", so mea culpa, and I see now why you had no choice but to sigh heavily when I presented you with my Starbucks card. How thoughtless was I to even buy one of those!

By that time I wasn't even thinking about you at all; I was just so obsessed with the idea that you may get some of your existential angst on my sweater (which, in my own defense, is a real bitch to get out of cashmere).

So, Mr. Barista, I am sorry. The next time I go into your store, I will not be so worried about getting myself a cup of coffee, and instead, I will, you know, show a little respect for the guy who has to interact with moms in velour track suits all day.

Dear Pepperidge Farms,

Now that Tucker Carlson is no longer with Crossfire, I think he'd be great in one of your commercials.

He already has the bowtie.

And he could give the old commercials a bit of that Carlson fire. Like say one guy picks the Milano and Tucker would get all "ARE YOU TOTALLY STUPID!? THE SAUSALITO IS BY FAR THE BEST, AND IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A STUPID, STUPID LIBERAL YOU WOULD KNOW BETTER. SHAME ON YOU, STUPID LIBERAL!. AND THOSE PANTS MAKE YOUR ASS LOOK FAT".

I could really see that.

Brad 'n' Jen

I read the news story, thought to myself, "That's too bad" in the sense that I don't wish bad things for anyone, well, except for maybe an old boyfriend from years ago, but that's a side issue; and I was fully prepared, prepared-a-mundo, to just let it drop until I came across the section of the announcement that said "for people who follow these things". That's what set me off. For people who follow these things? Do you, Mr Brad Pitt's publicist, mean the people for whose benefit you send your carefully crafted press releases? The people who make it possible for you to have a job? The people who buy the movie tickets so Brad Pitt can make 20 million dollars a pic? Do you mean, us, the Great Unwashed Public? Is that to whom you are referring?

I am trying really hard not to dislike celebrities, man. But they are making it really, really hard.

Sometimes 30 seconds feels like a long time.

You "blogexploders" know what I'm talking about.

Sometimes I am at a blog, that I am, let's just say, not really enjoying, and I think to myself, "Damn it, Suburby, just click away, forfeit the half a point!"

But then shaking my fist in the air, I think, "I cannot-- for I have already invested 14 seconds in it!"

Time, thou art a cruel master.

Blog Reading Advice

I would recommend avoiding all weblogs with the following attributes:

1. Excessive use of the exclamation point in the title e.g. "I love my cat!!!"

2. Any zany use of the up and down caps e.g. mY cRaZy FuCkEd uP lIfE.

3. Any use of the word "Rocks" or "RAWKS" in the title.

In the spirit of the season, I would like to extend an apology

Look, on behalf of Canadians everywhere, I am sorry about Celine Dion.

Now, quid pro quo, I would like an apology for Kenny G.

I'm waiting.

It's the end of the year...

and I think it's time some of you people just stopped what you are doing for one second and asked yourself "What have I done to help a celebrity this year?" You heard me! Do you people even realize what these celebrities, these very, very special people do for you? Well let me tell you! Some of them sometimes work for scale, and when they do, oh man, that is a big goddam deal because sure scale for a movie may still be a lot more than a shlub like you makes for a whole year of work, but these people are so much better than you. And why do they do this? They do it for art, for the art of the low budget feature film. So people like you, goddam ingrates, can revel in their shiny glory.

Do you think it is easy being a celebrity? Well do you!? It is not, I can assure you. They have photographers following them around. I know how annoying that is from when my husband videotapes our son's birthday parties. It's very, very annoying. And their bodyguards can only do so much you know! They cannot stay in their armoured limosines and behind the gates of their enormous mansions forever. God, you people are so thoughtless!

So maybe this year while you are so busy thinking about yourself and your petty concerns, you can take a moment to think about how your actions affect the very people who matter more than anyone else.

Gifty TV Shows

I feel the need to say something about this. About these tv shows which consist largely (or even solely!) of people in the audience receiving gifts from the show host (although come on, who are you trying to kid that the gifts are from the host).

The shows typically go something like this:

1. Host makes major SURPRISE ANNOUNCEMENT that this is a gifting show!

2. Camera pans to near hysterical audience, clapping, laughing, just freaking out.

3. Host brings out gift with much fanfare, say a Sony cd player.

4. Camera pans to audience going ape shit about the prospect of owning a Sony portable cd player. We usually get about 20 seconds of straight audience screaming. Pan to this lady screaming; now quick, over to that lady screaming and clapping; whoosh, this lady is almost crying; 5 full seconds on the hot chick clapping her hands, etc.

5. This goes on all through the show with the audience getting progressively more hysterical with each new gift; and the camera man spending increasingly longer looking at the audience members scream about getting a free Sonicare.

I have run this through the old analyzer and as near as I can tell these shows are some kind of advertising pornography. How else could these shows even come into existance? Who in their right mind would think that people sitting at home would enjoy watching complete strangers get a bunch of presents that the viewer is never going to get except for someone who is masturbating to the idea of market share and ratings.

Here's a newsflash industry wanker--I don't give a shit about that lady from Minnesota who is getting a free microwave. It does not entertain me to watch it. If anything, it pisses me off a little. Gimme my goddam Sonicare toothbrush, asshole!

Hugh Grant

Hugh Grant has made me hate English people. The accent; that fucking super annoying and transparently fake "self-depricating" sense of humour. And the way he's always touching his hair. Dude. Please. The whole package is just awful. And, as it turns out, my irritation is so intense that it has now spread to all of his tribe.

I also dislike the gay version of Hugh Grant: Rupert Everett.

The Rebel Billionaire

OH MY GOD is there an idea anywhere in entertainment more detestable than this show? Incidentally I saw "the Rebel Billionaire" himself on the Daily Show, and Jon Stewart had a great idea for a reality tv show: put up a prize for people to come up with some form of energy that's not dependent on fossil fuels. Richard Branson first treated it as a joke and then got all fraidy cat and seriously freaked out about the idea of Jon Stewart suggesting he put up some money. He's really the rebel cheapskate.

I just did not cotton to him!

A word about most 'blogs

crap!

Over 98% of the blogs out there are unreadable. Either because they are so badly written, or because they are written in Spanish, or sometimes French. I have seen a couple in Arabic, too, and when I come across one I always wonder how it would look if my computer's hard drive was confiscated by the CIA the next day.

I'd be all, "No, I just stumbled across it. I clicked the "next Blog" button, that is all! Really!"

Yeah, so most blogs are crap, or they are trouble.

But sometimes you come across a good one. (Twirling hair and looking around, coyly)