Thursday, December 30, 2004

Blog Reading Advice

I would recommend avoiding all weblogs with the following attributes:

1. Excessive use of the exclamation point in the title e.g. "I love my cat!!!"

2. Any zany use of the up and down caps e.g. mY cRaZy FuCkEd uP lIfE.

3. Any use of the word "Rocks" or "RAWKS" in the title.

In the spirit of the season, I would like to extend an apology

Look, on behalf of Canadians everywhere, I am sorry about Celine Dion.

Now, quid pro quo, I would like an apology for Kenny G.

I'm waiting.

It's the end of the year...

and I think it's time some of you people just stopped what you are doing for one second and asked yourself "What have I done to help a celebrity this year?" You heard me! Do you people even realize what these celebrities, these very, very special people do for you? Well let me tell you! Some of them sometimes work for scale, and when they do, oh man, that is a big goddam deal because sure scale for a movie may still be a lot more than a shlub like you makes for a whole year of work, but these people are so much better than you. And why do they do this? They do it for art, for the art of the low budget feature film. So people like you, goddam ingrates, can revel in their shiny glory.

Do you think it is easy being a celebrity? Well do you!? It is not, I can assure you. They have photographers following them around. I know how annoying that is from when my husband videotapes our son's birthday parties. It's very, very annoying. And their bodyguards can only do so much you know! They cannot stay in their armoured limosines and behind the gates of their enormous mansions forever. God, you people are so thoughtless!

So maybe this year while you are so busy thinking about yourself and your petty concerns, you can take a moment to think about how your actions affect the very people who matter more than anyone else.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Gifty TV Shows

I feel the need to say something about this. About these tv shows which consist largely (or even solely!) of people in the audience receiving gifts from the show host (although come on, who are you trying to kid that the gifts are from the host).

The shows typically go something like this:

1. Host makes major SURPRISE ANNOUNCEMENT that this is a gifting show!

2. Camera pans to near hysterical audience, clapping, laughing, just freaking out.

3. Host brings out gift with much fanfare, say a Sony cd player.

4. Camera pans to audience going ape shit about the prospect of owning a Sony portable cd player. We usually get about 20 seconds of straight audience screaming. Pan to this lady screaming; now quick, over to that lady screaming and clapping; whoosh, this lady is almost crying; 5 full seconds on the hot chick clapping her hands, etc.

5. This goes on all through the show with the audience getting progressively more hysterical with each new gift; and the camera man spending increasingly longer looking at the audience members scream about getting a free Sonicare.

I have run this through the old analyzer and as near as I can tell these shows are some kind of advertising pornography. How else could these shows even come into existance? Who in their right mind would think that people sitting at home would enjoy watching complete strangers get a bunch of presents that the viewer is never going to get except for someone who is masturbating to the idea of market share and ratings.

Here's a newsflash industry wanker--I don't give a shit about that lady from Minnesota who is getting a free microwave. It does not entertain me to watch it. If anything, it pisses me off a little. Gimme my goddam Sonicare toothbrush, asshole!

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Hugh Grant

Hugh Grant has made me hate English people. The accent; that fucking super annoying and transparently fake "self-depricating" sense of humour. And the way he's always touching his hair. Dude. Please. The whole package is just awful. And, as it turns out, my irritation is so intense that it has now spread to all of his tribe.

I also dislike the gay version of Hugh Grant: Rupert Everett.

Monday, December 06, 2004

The Rebel Billionaire

OH MY GOD is there an idea anywhere in entertainment more detestable than this show? Incidentally I saw "the Rebel Billionaire" himself on the Daily Show, and Jon Stewart had a great idea for a reality tv show: put up a prize for people to come up with some form of energy that's not dependent on fossil fuels. Richard Branson first treated it as a joke and then got all fraidy cat and seriously freaked out about the idea of Jon Stewart suggesting he put up some money. He's really the rebel cheapskate.

I just did not cotton to him!