Monday, August 30, 2010

Alaska Cruise

Well, Dear Reader, I am here to tell you that my family just returned from a cruise to Alaska. You heard me, Alaska. How dare you judge me!

Interesting facts about cruising to Alaska:

1. No way you're the fattest person on the cruise. Not even close. Go ahead and eat some more cheesecake because most of the people here are fatter than you.

2. No way you're old. See number one above, and while you're at it, have some more cheesecake because you're still not the fattest.

3. Sometimes seniors get cranky, and once they start up, it's hard to get them off topic. What's it to you, you may be asking? Well, nothing, unless you're stuck with them at dinner then the bitching about how far you have to walk to the elevators gets real old, real fast. I can only be all "Yes, that IS far to walk!" for like 15 minutes. 20 at the most. I don't need the wife chiming in, too.

4. Cruise ship directors are awful, evil people. I am talking to you, Gene. And Julie from the Loveboat. You know what you did.

5. Can we just call it Alaska? Do we have to say Ahhhh LASSSS K AAAAAAAh! everytime? Again, talking to you Gene.

6. Pronouncing it Ahhhh LASSSS K AAAAAAAh does not make the eight block town anymore exciting. I don't care what Captain Stubing told you, it doesn't.

7. Yes, I can confirm that cruise ships are floating buffets.

8. The entertainment on cruise ships -- ai yi yi I am going to have to sub classify this topic.
a) The Big Song and Dance Show: This is one of those situations where you are really wondering if you and the lady next to you, who is simply raving about how fan-fucking-tastic the show was are watching the same show. I don't think so because all I saw was a really cheezy rendition of If I Could Turn Back Time (yes it can get even cheesier that Cher does it) and some abomination with several singer/dancers that was supposed to be a 1940s retrospective. You know, for the old fuckers on board. To say the show was bad does not do justice to its (equally) sad component. Watching it made me feel partially puzzled and partially violated, like Kenny G touched me in a bad place, and you're thinking eww and also you're thinking that's weird because I thought Kenny G was gay.

b) There was also a juggler. Bet you didn't know they still had those! Well they do, and they are about as entertaining as you would imagine they'd be.

c) There was a comedian. He was good.

d) And finally the sad comic-magician, who simply begged for people to give him good ratings on their cruise survey. We saw him in the buffet, eating with a friend. We were glad he had a friend. Seriously, the dude made us sad for him.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010


Does anyone read the really great McSweeney's Internet Tendency? If you don't, you should. It's really funny.

Anyhoo, they do these Lists over there, and I was just reading them and I made my own:

Canadian Superheroes Who Are Well Known in Canada but Not in the US Because, Typical!, You Don't Even Bother to get to Know Anything About Canada, Unless It's Bad News, Then You're All "Woo hoo double murder in Canada today"/Nicknamess for Former Boyfriends of Mine.

Fake Polite Man -- pretends to like your parents then talks about how "weird yet boring" (like that's even possible), your entire family is behind your back.

Canadian Ivy Leaguer -- apparently there's a Canadian uni that's part of the Ivy League. I forget the name now. Stuns you into bored silence by constantly reminding you he attended an "IVY LEAGUE" school.

Heartbreaker Man -- The dude who can emotionally cripple people for like three months at a time because he just breaks up with you for no reason, but politely.

Hockey Man -- the guy who rescues other dudes from bad situations like, for example, the time when you were really having a heart to heart with your then boyfriend and almost had him to the point of talking about taking your relationship to the next level, by phoning up and telling them to put on the CBC right now to catch the most awesome goal on the replay.

Hypno Crazy Coloured Money Man -- This dude will hypnotize you with all his flashy, "crazily" coloured (big goddam eyeroll from Canada - like green is so sensible. It's not, you're just used to it) bills, and make you think he's going to spend it on you, but turns out he's super cheap, so that's kind of his power.

Superman -- I said yeah, motherfucker. Superman is Canadian.

Monday, August 16, 2010

New post

Blank Page

Stop taunting me!

Actually, it's okay.

People, have I told you how lucky I am to be the kind of person who needs you?

Is there anything in the world sadder than the trying-to-be-hip housewife? And she's all "That's not how I roll" . We just got you to stop saying "In da house", please do not start up with this "How you roll" business now.

I ask you, sincerely, is there anything sadder than that? Maybe the fake giant boobs. And the tan on the age deteriorated skin.

Be old, that is cool! Be your age. Be your life experience!

Don't try to be young. Don't you remember what a total asshole you were when you were young? I do. I was insufferable.

Be yourself, just the way you are. You're awesome as is.