Friday, February 14, 2003

Death to the cat people!

Okay, maybe not death, but disease at least!

people ask me, hey, Mrs. C, why do you hate cats so much anyway? I hate cats because...

man, this is hard to talk about...


when I was a small child, a cat, a vile, evil, hideous cat, killed my entire family.

Actually no. The truth is, it is not cats that I despise, but rather the people who love them. the stinky, cat hair covered, lint roller needing, litter box changing cat owners. And they are all, wooo hoo, I have to change the litter box.

I was just thinking....wouldn't it be something if a cat really did kill my entire family, well maybe not ENTIRE family, that seems pretty far fetched, maybe just like one of my parents or a sibling or something, anyway, say a cat did kill someone in my family but then I come here and make jokes about it as a way of coping or maybe as a way of trying to learn to forgive the cat. that would really be something I think. And people would be all, "what's with her and the cat-hating jokes?!" like they are big cat lovers themselves and are maybe a bit miffed (like only cat people can be) then my friend tells them, "well a cat DID KILL HER BROTHER" and then shoots the complainer one of those "now who has the right to be miffed" looks

What the Dilly!

I realized something about myself a while ago, and that is I lack the dedication to be a dilletante! In fact, a dilletante is really a step up from a dabbler, a position to which I can only aspire! (look at the trouble I go to to avoid ending sentences in prepositions. Fuck that, man! Let's all just collectively rebel against the grammar man, or actually we should probably call it the hipper "The gramma man". No, we couldn't call it that because that has too much of a grandmother connoptation. man, what is with me and this Ellen Degeneras style off -on--a-tangent schtick I have going lately? Maybe it means I am a lesbian!

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

Partying (How to know when you are actually doing it) With A Special Section On How to Know When You Are "Kicking Back"

How Do I Know When I Am "Partying"?

I ask myself these simple questions.

Is there music playing?

If so, am I moving my foot or entire leg with the music?

Am I smiling?

Do I have a drink in hand?

Are there other people there?

Do I feel tempted to utter any Will Smith-isms, to impress the ladies, or simply to show my hipness?

I feel if I can answer yes to 4 of these questions then I can feel fairly confident that I am indeed "partying".

But What about the more elusive "kicking back"?

I confess this one perplexed me for some time. I think the kicking part threw me, I felt there should be some kicking involved. I was really, really, and I will admit it now, really hung up on the kicking part. Like, if you are in a LA Z Boy and you throw yourself back against the back of the chair, fairly violently, so as to activate the recliner mechanism, and then you sort of throw your legs up in the air, kick style as you are doing it, then I think you can be pretty confident that you are kicking back. But what if you aren?t kicking? What if you are reclining on the sofa? Well, in that case, I feel your feet should be up on the coffee table, or on an ottoman if you have one. Because this is really borderline on account of the no kicking involved.
I am starting a new theory of genetic grouping. It is a bit like the old SPY magazine's separated at birth, but larger groups and without pictures. And, naturally now that I type it out it seems really stupid.

All of these people evolved from the same ancient hominid ancestral groups.

1. Chris Meloni and the guy who plays Abby's brother on ER

2. Samuel L Jackson and that other guy that you always think is Samuel L Jackson but really isn't...I will look up his name, I promise!

3. Roddy McDowell and Andy McDowell. Not really! I just thought it "sounded fun"

4. Conan O'Brian and Tucker (Look at me, I am wearing a bow tie See, it is like my "trademark", it says I am young and unconventional and a libertarian, but also very prep so I cannot go too crazy with my schtick) Carlson

5. Lisa Kudrow, Boy George and Pee Wee Herman

6. Colin Powell and my father-in-law. It's quite uncanny!

Poor Kelly Ripa and Sharon Stone and their burdens of excessive attractiveness! I am ashamed to admit that I had never really thought about how difficult their lives must be until I heard them both discussing their unique burdens. People do not take them seriously!, because they think if you are that attractive you cannot be smart, yet Sharon Stone is purported (by, um, her publicist I think) to be a member of Mensa! And poor Kelly--with her excessively thick and shiny hair on her pantene commercials, plus her beauty, that she is couteous enough to take time from her busy celebrity day to remind us about. You think it is easy being them, well think again Mr. and Mrs. Selfish! God, you people make me sick with your thoughtlessness!