Sunday, November 30, 2003

Does Michael Jackson's makeup artist hate him?

I think she must. Seriously. because he is a man who is so insulated and so naturally strange that he may think he looks fine with the eye liner and the brow shaping, oh and the red lipstick (no, on a man, that's not peculiar at all), but she is a professional make up artist and she knows better. Yet she keeps on painting him up like an aging casino cocktail waitress.

Seriously, I think she hates him.

Friday, November 28, 2003

Witches, wizards, warlocks, pagans...

all of you "mystical" people, please be quiet now. None of you ever shut up about your religion. Plus, you have too many little "faerie" statuettes hanging around your houses. You know you do.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

80s Rock and Roll Moves

I just saw an old Tina Turner/Bryan Adams video. There was plenty of standing halfway across the stage pointing at each other. That was a big 80s thing that pointing. Rock and Roll!

Ok the Madonna and Britney Video

I just want to know what exactly is Madonna doing in it. I see a lot of sidling, and not much more.

I am starting to get the feeling that there's this prevalent but unspoken attitude of "she's Madonna and anything she does is fabulous!" and so she can do anything, even stupid stuff, and people think it's cool. Sidling. that's basically her whole part.

And Britney--notice how she goes in for the kiss and her mouth is already WAY open. Is that a little forward or is it just me? If you're going in for a big lesbian kiss in your first video featuring lesbianism, shouldn't you start a little slower, like with just a slightly open mouth? It's like she's at the dentist.

Sunday, November 16, 2003

Turkey Bombings

Here's me this morning...

I flip on the tv

"Surf" on over to CNN

See Breaking News report that says "Turkey Bombings Likely Terrorism"

I immediately raise my fist to the air and think "THOSE BASTARDS! THOSE EVIL MASTERMIND TERRORISTS. DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!" because I was thinking, wow, those evil motherfuckers have figured out a way to infiltrate American homes now, and using an American symbol against them. The evil bastards are stuffing bombs inside turkeys.

That's what I though, but only for a second! Then I realized, ohhhhhhhhhh Turkey the country. Riiiiiight

Then I changed the channel.

Thank you, thank you very much

Saturday, November 08, 2003

A Little Nerd To Call My Own

I wish I had a little nerd to call my own.
I'd ask him stuff about LINUX
And pretend to be interested as he rambles on and on about how much better it is than "windoze"

I could ask him stuff too about the parts I missed in The Matrix because i got up to go get a snack
Or he could explain the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy to me while he was fixing my hard drive

Then I'd make a few "hard drive" double entendre jokes, and toss in some "baud" one liners, you get my meaning, just to show him that I like his nerdly ways

At lunchtime I'd be all "hey, dude, want anything from Subway?" And he'd ask for his veggie delite on brown, because he's trying to "eat healthier".

Sometimes we'd talk about Star Trek and get into big fights about who the best captain was. I'd be all "KIRK!" and he'd be all "PICARD!" Then he'd get off on a tangent thinking about Deana Troi and things would start to get a little uncomfortable. So I would change the subject to chess or chaos theory and I'd pretend to be listening while I mentally compiled my grocery list.

I promise I would keep the house stocked with "KD" and Snapple, maybe Koala Springs and Nutella, if he is fancier than the other nerds. I don't care!

I do. I wish I had a nerd to call my own

I'd call him Ferdi

Monday, November 03, 2003

Just One Tiny Little Bone to Pick with the Great Ellen Degeneres

It's the dancing. I really like her; I think she's funny. I like the new show. She is really very funny with the guests. I like the DJ--he seems like a decent chap (winkety--because he's English). I even like Torsten or Toller Cranston or whatever the fellow's name is.

It's just the dancing. You know what--it's not even the dancing. Ellen Degeneres is an excellent dancer! Who could not like that. It's the fact that she does it every time. And it reminds me of how Merv Griffin used to make a big fuss about showing the lining of his jacket. There. I said it.

Friday, October 10, 2003

Canadian TV Sucks. Sorry, But It Does

Case in point:

"Sue Thomas: F.B Eye" - A show about hard of hearing FBI agent who uses lip reading to help solve cases. And she's a little "lip-bitey-nosescrunchy-uppy-thumbs-up-giving" to her subordinates for a job well done. The Sue Thomas, FB EYE or someone will crack a joke and everyone will laugh--and if there is a judge handy, well he;ll just throw away his gavel because the whole kit 'n' kaboodle are just a bunch of kooks! and he's all "If you can't beat 'em, join' em. ". It would be funny if it were an SCTV sketch.

And , "Blue Murder" . That one is a typical police drama, but I just think the name is so sad.

Canadian tv can be great i.e. Kids in the Hall, the great SCTV, Codco etc, but those shows are not trying to do some low budget Canadian accented version of American tv shows. And that is the problem with Canadian tv. They are such copiers

George and Tony's Very Special Relationship

I think of George Bush and Tony Blair as Identical
Cousins (yes! like that movie!), identical in every
way except one is American and one is English, and
they get together and plan to do things. In the movie
it was some girly plan to do some childish thing, and
in this case it's to wage wars, but still, there are

I imagine them together in the U.N. cafeteria, and
say, George is sitting at a table and then he sees
Tony walk in, much to the chagrin of George's Secret
Service people, (George is such a kid at heart, and
the Secret Service worry that Tony is a bad influence
on George because George tends to act a bit sillier
when Tony is around, like he is showing off or
something. For a president, this can spell trouble.
Anyway...) George is immediately halfway out of his
seat yelling and waving "TONY! TONY! Over here! I
saved you a seat!" And Tony, he's British, so he's
playing it cool, but you can tell he's kind of proud
to be best friends with the leader of the free world.
So of course Tony goes right over, and as they are
eating lunch they are making faces about the crappy
food served in the U.N. cafeteria, Tony is all "Cous
cous!? More like Goose poop!" and George is laughing
so hard that he almost chokes, then the Secret Service
really shoots Tony a look. And Tony is respectful of
the role of the Secret Serviceman, but at the same
time he is a bit, Fuck you, man, (or maybe "bloke",
because he's English, but this is really a side issue)
I am the leader of a big country myself! You need to
give me my props, not be shooting me looks and shit. I
don't know exactly how he would word it, because he is
British and you can never really tell with those

Then sometimes I wonder if Tony is just using George,
you know, for the good of his country, you know,
because the Brits man, they can be users. Maybe he is
all buddy-buddy with him just to try to help England
recoup some of its former glory. I worry about how
that would hurt George, because George would find out
and he'd be all "You used me!" And Tony would be all,
"I didn't mean to hurt you George, but I had to do it,
for the good of my country." And sure, George would
try to understand, because he is also the leader of a
country, so he truly "gets it", but still, it would
hurt him.

Thursday, October 09, 2003


I sent this piece (George and Tony) to McSweeney's. "Go ahead!" I said. "You can publish this on your website. For free! That is correct, sir, you do not have to pay me"

They declined.

I think it's funny though, so I am publishing it for you. Again, free of charge!

You know how everyone thinks they have a great novel in them?

I don't think that's right.

Elia Kazan: One "Effed-Up" Dude

People need to stop putting down Elia Kazan. Okay, maybe he sold out a few writers in the 50s, but in the 2000s he's given you a super cool way to get free music off the internet: kazaa. Which, by the way, I do not approve of. Getting stuff for free is just wrong! Just ask the celebrities. they never get anything for free, and if they are offered something for free they would turn it down, instantly! because they know free stuff is morally wrong.

I'm just kidding, but I do know someone who would make that kind of fucked up mistake based on some weird sound relationship in a name. And the celebrities, hypocritical motherfuckers! Okay, enough esplainin', who do I think I am? Lucy Ricardo!?

Where Are All the Fish People?

One thing I do not miss about working--the people who talk about their pets. Yes, of course it is always the cat people who start it. But then the dog owners, never to be outdone, start talking about something their dog did. But the problem with that is no matter how cute or charming the dog story, at some point your audience always thinks, man those people with dogs have to pick up their crap. The fish owners will maybe try to say something, especially if they have what is considered a "fun" aquatic animal, like an aquatic frog or a turtle, who, compared to the others can get up to some crazy antics, relatively speaking. But really, they don't really have much to contribute to the daily pet story time and most people just humor them (especially the very patronizing cat people). And everyone pretends to be so super interested, but they are just being polite. Frankly, no one really cares about your Himalayan short hair and the special way it has of coughing up a hairball.

Sorry people, I am just telling it like it is.

More proof about cats


Can you think of a bigger ingrate species? Roy, maybe with the help of Siegfried or some personal animal trainers, single handedly (except for whoever helped him) brough those white tigers back from the brink of extinction. Extinction!!

And how to they repay him? With death! Almost. That's a cat for you.

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

More Cat Chat

Back to the cats for a second. I think it is really a very good idea to, when evaluating a person as a possible love interest to always ask "Do you have a cat?" If they say yes, then as God is my witness I tell you to back away slowly, because you will end up with a lot of evil in your life and not all of it in the form of merchandise with pictures of cats on it.

if you are all , "well what if I have a cat!?" Then in that case, maybe it would work out for you. God bless!

I will simply add, the ancient Egyptians worshipped cats and look what happened to them.

For the love of God people the evidence is right there in front of you, why do you refuse to see it?!

Monday, September 22, 2003

Okay everyone, it is time to stop saying things like "gosh darn it". Things like that, that were originally (in their second incarnation) said by people like David Letterman, like 15 or 20 years ago in an ironic way, sound so, so, so tired today. Is anyone with me? I wish you could see me now--the look on my face is -- well it's like I am in a musical and I am about to break tghe mood by starting a song.

God, i hate musicals. Hate them! You're watching a movie, starting to get into it, them whammo, someone breaks my concentration by starting to sing. Grease was okay I guess. I saw it as a kid and I can remember kinda rockin' out to that greased lightening song. But I was a super nerdly kid, so don't be taking that as proof of anything

Sunday, September 21, 2003

My Secret Shame and a Great Band

This may make me sound like a screaming pre-teen hysteric, but goddammit I love that Maroon5. Looooooove them.

More G-Damn Kelly Ripa!

I saw Kelly Ripa being interviewed by Barbara Walters the other night. I have a history with Kelly. First I really liked her and was so hoping she would get the Regis gig and then she got it and she was great, then she started to get on my nerves some. (I remember thinking I miss KathieLee, who was the kind of woman you felt justified making fun of). Then Kelly really started to bug me with her perfect life. And everywhere I looked it was kelly kelly, kelly! And at the same time as the world was making this huge fuss of her, I felt she was becoming the modern day kathie Lee, with her constant talking about how hot her husband is, and how beautiful her kids are, and how she hates that Hamptons traffic. But then, like I said, I saw her on 20/20 and there was a clip of her dancing on a local dance show from about 13 years ago, and I have to say, seeing that, my attitude softened.

Madonna, The Remedial Spirituality Student

Is it just me or is anyone else alarmed by the fact that madonna has been studying Taoism, Kabballah and who knows what else and is only NOW coming to the realization that "material things do not matter". That material things are unimportant has got to be the basic fucking tenet of every single school of spirituality, and she is only getting that now, like 10 years later!?

Plus her and Brittney man, it was like watching a teenager make out with her friend's mom.

Friday, March 07, 2003

Kelly Ripa, Kelly Ripa, Kelly Ripa!

But back to Kelly Ripa for a second. Man, I find myself filling up with rage once again at the thoughtlessness of you people! Why can't you find it in your heart to feel sympathy for her and her terrible, terrible burden of excessive attractiveness? is that really so much to ask of you, Mr. and Mrs. Mean-Spirited, with your politically correct both-take-hyphenated last names!

When I think of poor Kelly, on her Pantene commercial, you know the one where she talks about the burden of her thick and super shiny hair, and she makes that strange "Ahhhhhhhhh" sound, which I think is suposed to be like a choir of angels, or perhaps something from a snappy aria, I really cannot tell, I just want to cry for her! You think it is easy being her?! Well it isn't. I can't even look at you now--you all are making me so mad with your thoughtlessness.

Friday, February 14, 2003

Death to the cat people!

Okay, maybe not death, but disease at least!

people ask me, hey, Mrs. C, why do you hate cats so much anyway? I hate cats because...

man, this is hard to talk about...


when I was a small child, a cat, a vile, evil, hideous cat, killed my entire family.

Actually no. The truth is, it is not cats that I despise, but rather the people who love them. the stinky, cat hair covered, lint roller needing, litter box changing cat owners. And they are all, wooo hoo, I have to change the litter box.

I was just thinking....wouldn't it be something if a cat really did kill my entire family, well maybe not ENTIRE family, that seems pretty far fetched, maybe just like one of my parents or a sibling or something, anyway, say a cat did kill someone in my family but then I come here and make jokes about it as a way of coping or maybe as a way of trying to learn to forgive the cat. that would really be something I think. And people would be all, "what's with her and the cat-hating jokes?!" like they are big cat lovers themselves and are maybe a bit miffed (like only cat people can be) then my friend tells them, "well a cat DID KILL HER BROTHER" and then shoots the complainer one of those "now who has the right to be miffed" looks

What the Dilly!

I realized something about myself a while ago, and that is I lack the dedication to be a dilletante! In fact, a dilletante is really a step up from a dabbler, a position to which I can only aspire! (look at the trouble I go to to avoid ending sentences in prepositions. Fuck that, man! Let's all just collectively rebel against the grammar man, or actually we should probably call it the hipper "The gramma man". No, we couldn't call it that because that has too much of a grandmother connoptation. man, what is with me and this Ellen Degeneras style off -on--a-tangent schtick I have going lately? Maybe it means I am a lesbian!

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

Partying (How to know when you are actually doing it) With A Special Section On How to Know When You Are "Kicking Back"

How Do I Know When I Am "Partying"?

I ask myself these simple questions.

Is there music playing?

If so, am I moving my foot or entire leg with the music?

Am I smiling?

Do I have a drink in hand?

Are there other people there?

Do I feel tempted to utter any Will Smith-isms, to impress the ladies, or simply to show my hipness?

I feel if I can answer yes to 4 of these questions then I can feel fairly confident that I am indeed "partying".

But What about the more elusive "kicking back"?

I confess this one perplexed me for some time. I think the kicking part threw me, I felt there should be some kicking involved. I was really, really, and I will admit it now, really hung up on the kicking part. Like, if you are in a LA Z Boy and you throw yourself back against the back of the chair, fairly violently, so as to activate the recliner mechanism, and then you sort of throw your legs up in the air, kick style as you are doing it, then I think you can be pretty confident that you are kicking back. But what if you aren?t kicking? What if you are reclining on the sofa? Well, in that case, I feel your feet should be up on the coffee table, or on an ottoman if you have one. Because this is really borderline on account of the no kicking involved.
I am starting a new theory of genetic grouping. It is a bit like the old SPY magazine's separated at birth, but larger groups and without pictures. And, naturally now that I type it out it seems really stupid.

All of these people evolved from the same ancient hominid ancestral groups.

1. Chris Meloni and the guy who plays Abby's brother on ER

2. Samuel L Jackson and that other guy that you always think is Samuel L Jackson but really isn't...I will look up his name, I promise!

3. Roddy McDowell and Andy McDowell. Not really! I just thought it "sounded fun"

4. Conan O'Brian and Tucker (Look at me, I am wearing a bow tie See, it is like my "trademark", it says I am young and unconventional and a libertarian, but also very prep so I cannot go too crazy with my schtick) Carlson

5. Lisa Kudrow, Boy George and Pee Wee Herman

6. Colin Powell and my father-in-law. It's quite uncanny!

Poor Kelly Ripa and Sharon Stone and their burdens of excessive attractiveness! I am ashamed to admit that I had never really thought about how difficult their lives must be until I heard them both discussing their unique burdens. People do not take them seriously!, because they think if you are that attractive you cannot be smart, yet Sharon Stone is purported (by, um, her publicist I think) to be a member of Mensa! And poor Kelly--with her excessively thick and shiny hair on her pantene commercials, plus her beauty, that she is couteous enough to take time from her busy celebrity day to remind us about. You think it is easy being them, well think again Mr. and Mrs. Selfish! God, you people make me sick with your thoughtlessness!

Monday, January 27, 2003

Worthy of Your Contempt

Here are some things that I think are okay to just really fucking hate:

1. That weird run that old ladies like Barbara Walters do, where they are half walking, half running and they have their fists held out in the most awkward way designed to show what exactly, that "they got spunk" or they are "street" or whatever the hell it is they think they are That has got to go.

2. Cat people. I don't just mean the old lady with the 50 cats and the stinky house, I mean anyone that has a "special relationship" with cats. They subject you to their daily cat stories at work with their "You wouldn't believe what my cat did today!" (Um, yes I would, it's a cat!) stories. They may start out innocently enough, but number one, no one starts with 50 cats and number two, eventually they are going to start wearing clothes with pictures of cats on them.

3. Burning people in effigy. First, that is so 1887. It's always some third world country that makes them and I always think, jesus, what do they have against the scarecow!? Until I realize it's supposed to be some politico. Don't those people have any talented artists in their countries who could make a reasonable facsimile. Oh and ps, like George Bush would be caught dead in a 50/50 poly cotton blend.

4. The expression "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle" Um, if they are going to make bikes for fish I am pretty sure they would be adapted to fins. Use your heads people, that's what we are paying you for!

5. The Uber Hip. What exactly are you so hip about anyway? Just go and deconstruct something and leave the rest of us alone to enjoy our lame ass tv shows.

6. Scrappy Doo hatred - everyone just get off his back already. "oh that Scrappy" "he's so lame" No! You're the lame one!

7. Jennifer Lopez's ass. Notice how each successive video is becoming more "ass-rich". It is like there are people, big record executive people, seriously, studiously looking for ways to showcase "J Lo's" ass. Also, not even 10 years ago that would have been considered a "fat ass". Personally, I have nothing against her or her ass, but come onnnn, it's a derierre. Think about what you are doing - do you really want an ass as a cultural icon, because that's what you've got.

8. Music Boxes. I even hate to write the term. Goddam wind up some stupid little machine to listen to 30 seconds of goddam ode to joy played all tink tink tink style. We have a new thing now that plays music--it is called a cd player

Sunday, January 19, 2003

How can something so good come from something so very evil?