Monday, July 19, 2010

I think I might be a PC!

You know that famous TV commercial -- the Apple Computers one -- that's supposedly the greatest commercial ever made -- the Citizen Kane of TV commercials. There's a room full of people dressed the same way, looking grey and extremely dour all bring dictated to, Big Brother (a la the novel 1984, not Julie Chen) style. And then suddenly there's a jogger and she for some reason has a sledgehammer and she throws it at the screen, smashing it and thereby ushering in a new era of computers.

It's all about comformity, maaaan and The Man, maaaan. I get that, but the company that seems to demand conformity and uniformity is Apple, not Microsoft. Microsoft if the company that has every Joe working on programs and add ons and such and Apple is all anal retentive about who can even sell their products.

I like Apple products despite myself, and frankly, I would probably be an Apple customer if it weren't for the creepy feeling it gives me. Plus, I don't drive a Volkswagen, so that may be a problem. I also don't wear "extreme" eyeglass frames. Come on! You know what I am talking about!

Plus, Steve Jobs, get a new outfit already, dude. The black turtleneck / faded Levis looked awesome in 1995. (Casually checking my calendar. ahem) And maybe stop getting so defensive.

"We're not perfect". Did somebody say you were?

Friday, July 09, 2010

A Joke About Canadians from Conan O'Brien

With massive overpopulation threatening the globe, Canadians maintain a population of less than 35 million. How do they do it? Zero sex appeal!

Chickka boom

Thursday, July 01, 2010

English People, We Need to Talk*

That is, if anyone of us can understand what the hell it is you are trying to say!

Yesterday I was enjoying a leisurely scroll (my God, where else are you going to get a quality pun like that one. Not since The Family Circle!) through the Blogosphere (normally wouldn't use that word but need it to keep the dazzling metaphor going) when I happened across a weblog called Whateva Sista that illustates my point about the British vocabulary exceptionally well. You should go check it out.The whole language is practically porn.

1. "Feeling a bit peckish". Sounds dirty

2. "Toad in the Hole". Sounds really dirty and not particularly flattering to either the toad or the hole.

3. "Popped in". Again, dirty sounding.

4. "Sausage roll". As a noun, unappealing. As a verb, dirty!

Let's get it together, Brits!

* Suddenly angry English people who feel like commenting about what an idiot I am and how much I hate English people, let me tell you this. Of course I hate English people, but that is only because of Hugh Grant; and I already know I am an idiot because I have the English 121 paper about Conrad's "Heart of Darkness" in which I refer altogether too much to the "existential horror of man's existence" to prove it. So don't be thinking you're telling me something I don't know. And if you're still tempted to email me, I'm just kidding. Honest. But not about Hugh Grant.

I am reprinting this oldy but goody because of the BP incident in the gulf, to which we can add phrases like "Every effort is being made to plug the hole".

Americans, a few things:

I love your president! He's so awesome.

Your iced tea sucks. It's tea with ice. (I am making a big fat face of incredulity right now) Where the hell is the sugar and the fake lemon flavour?

Big Brother is starting again! I love that show!

Is our currency really that funny? "Monopoly money"? Come on, is that the best you've got? I am finding it harder and harder to politely fake laugh about it.

Man, those Cheez Its are delicious. We can't buy them here, so we have the Canadian version called Cheese Nips. They aren't as tasty and the name just seems wrong.

Your highway road signage is fantastic! Bet that's not a compliment you get every day.

Your litterbugishness needs some work. I am just saying. As a general rule, parents, please teach your kids not to throw trash out of a moving car.

And finally, Al Gore and the happy ending request. Thanks for a whole lot of new fodder for my nightmares.
Happy Birthday to the best country, evah!