Friday, October 10, 2003

Canadian TV Sucks. Sorry, But It Does

Case in point:

"Sue Thomas: F.B Eye" - A show about hard of hearing FBI agent who uses lip reading to help solve cases. And she's a little "lip-bitey-nosescrunchy-uppy-thumbs-up-giving" to her subordinates for a job well done. The Sue Thomas, FB EYE or someone will crack a joke and everyone will laugh--and if there is a judge handy, well he;ll just throw away his gavel because the whole kit 'n' kaboodle are just a bunch of kooks! and he's all "If you can't beat 'em, join' em. ". It would be funny if it were an SCTV sketch.

And , "Blue Murder" . That one is a typical police drama, but I just think the name is so sad.

Canadian tv can be great i.e. Kids in the Hall, the great SCTV, Codco etc, but those shows are not trying to do some low budget Canadian accented version of American tv shows. And that is the problem with Canadian tv. They are such copiers

George and Tony's Very Special Relationship

I think of George Bush and Tony Blair as Identical
Cousins (yes! like that movie!), identical in every
way except one is American and one is English, and
they get together and plan to do things. In the movie
it was some girly plan to do some childish thing, and
in this case it's to wage wars, but still, there are

I imagine them together in the U.N. cafeteria, and
say, George is sitting at a table and then he sees
Tony walk in, much to the chagrin of George's Secret
Service people, (George is such a kid at heart, and
the Secret Service worry that Tony is a bad influence
on George because George tends to act a bit sillier
when Tony is around, like he is showing off or
something. For a president, this can spell trouble.
Anyway...) George is immediately halfway out of his
seat yelling and waving "TONY! TONY! Over here! I
saved you a seat!" And Tony, he's British, so he's
playing it cool, but you can tell he's kind of proud
to be best friends with the leader of the free world.
So of course Tony goes right over, and as they are
eating lunch they are making faces about the crappy
food served in the U.N. cafeteria, Tony is all "Cous
cous!? More like Goose poop!" and George is laughing
so hard that he almost chokes, then the Secret Service
really shoots Tony a look. And Tony is respectful of
the role of the Secret Serviceman, but at the same
time he is a bit, Fuck you, man, (or maybe "bloke",
because he's English, but this is really a side issue)
I am the leader of a big country myself! You need to
give me my props, not be shooting me looks and shit. I
don't know exactly how he would word it, because he is
British and you can never really tell with those

Then sometimes I wonder if Tony is just using George,
you know, for the good of his country, you know,
because the Brits man, they can be users. Maybe he is
all buddy-buddy with him just to try to help England
recoup some of its former glory. I worry about how
that would hurt George, because George would find out
and he'd be all "You used me!" And Tony would be all,
"I didn't mean to hurt you George, but I had to do it,
for the good of my country." And sure, George would
try to understand, because he is also the leader of a
country, so he truly "gets it", but still, it would
hurt him.

Thursday, October 09, 2003


I sent this piece (George and Tony) to McSweeney's. "Go ahead!" I said. "You can publish this on your website. For free! That is correct, sir, you do not have to pay me"

They declined.

I think it's funny though, so I am publishing it for you. Again, free of charge!

You know how everyone thinks they have a great novel in them?

I don't think that's right.

Elia Kazan: One "Effed-Up" Dude

People need to stop putting down Elia Kazan. Okay, maybe he sold out a few writers in the 50s, but in the 2000s he's given you a super cool way to get free music off the internet: kazaa. Which, by the way, I do not approve of. Getting stuff for free is just wrong! Just ask the celebrities. they never get anything for free, and if they are offered something for free they would turn it down, instantly! because they know free stuff is morally wrong.

I'm just kidding, but I do know someone who would make that kind of fucked up mistake based on some weird sound relationship in a name. And the celebrities, hypocritical motherfuckers! Okay, enough esplainin', who do I think I am? Lucy Ricardo!?

Where Are All the Fish People?

One thing I do not miss about working--the people who talk about their pets. Yes, of course it is always the cat people who start it. But then the dog owners, never to be outdone, start talking about something their dog did. But the problem with that is no matter how cute or charming the dog story, at some point your audience always thinks, man those people with dogs have to pick up their crap. The fish owners will maybe try to say something, especially if they have what is considered a "fun" aquatic animal, like an aquatic frog or a turtle, who, compared to the others can get up to some crazy antics, relatively speaking. But really, they don't really have much to contribute to the daily pet story time and most people just humor them (especially the very patronizing cat people). And everyone pretends to be so super interested, but they are just being polite. Frankly, no one really cares about your Himalayan short hair and the special way it has of coughing up a hairball.

Sorry people, I am just telling it like it is.

More proof about cats


Can you think of a bigger ingrate species? Roy, maybe with the help of Siegfried or some personal animal trainers, single handedly (except for whoever helped him) brough those white tigers back from the brink of extinction. Extinction!!

And how to they repay him? With death! Almost. That's a cat for you.

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

More Cat Chat

Back to the cats for a second. I think it is really a very good idea to, when evaluating a person as a possible love interest to always ask "Do you have a cat?" If they say yes, then as God is my witness I tell you to back away slowly, because you will end up with a lot of evil in your life and not all of it in the form of merchandise with pictures of cats on it.

if you are all , "well what if I have a cat!?" Then in that case, maybe it would work out for you. God bless!

I will simply add, the ancient Egyptians worshipped cats and look what happened to them.

For the love of God people the evidence is right there in front of you, why do you refuse to see it?!