Monday, June 20, 2005

Americans, We Need to Talk

I am just going to come out and say this directly because there really is no other way: your iced tea sucks. It's basically cold tea and ice.

For the love of God people, what part of "iced" and "tea" do you not get? (The the sickly sweet, high viscosity, artificial lemon flavour, with zero percent tea content, like we drink it in Canada, is implied.)

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

I saw..

Mr. Street Cred, Carson Daly on tv the other day. He's so diminutive and he's lost so much weight that he is like a leprechan now!

I'm telling you it's hard to keep the hate going.

Cats Vs. Other Things As Pets

Cats are independent!

Hobos are also independent. They ride the rails all day; and they pack their own lunch in a bandana and then tie it to a stick. I have never seen a cat do that.

Cats are really clean!

So is my mother-in-law but I haven't seen any of you attempting to take her as a pet.
And, let's be honest -- this is a very liberal interpretation of the word "clean". Cats lick their little paws and then wipe their fur with their cat spit.

Oh, but cats poop in a box! (like that's a good thing!)

And that brings us right back to hobos.

Cats are self-reliant! They aren't all slobbery-loving-all-over-you like dogs, rather they are only sweet to you when they want something.

Is this really so special, do none of you have husbands?

So far, I remain unconvinced.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Some tips for those courting fame

Tip number one: Take it from the celebs, fame is hard! And someone should warn you. So I am doing it.

If you get famous, here's what might happen:

(Please note: If you get to the level of superstardom, where you're making $20 million dollars or so per movie, or your albums are selling millions of copies, then the likelihood that these things will happen to you increases exponentially.)

Photographers will probably hound you and take pictures of you in your fat pants, wearing no make up (maybe even no fat pants -- meow!) and with you hair looking bad.
A big old box of Krispy Kremes tucked under your arm. On your way to drug rehab. If you get arrested, they will show pictures of you in handcuffs. And your unflattering mug shot will be everywhere.

They will pay more for pictures of your cellulite, or any tummy fat hanging over the top of your $4,000 bikini bottoms. They will actually want pictures of you when you are drunk and in your red-nosed, slobbery faced, "let-me-tell-you-another-thing" glory.

Comedians will make jokes at your expense. And comedians are usually relentless and sometimes mean.

They will take pictures of your kids. Even though your kids didn't ask for this life!

People like Diane Sawyer will ask you very personal questions like "Why did your marriage end?" on national television. (Even on local telly that would be uncomfortable!) And you'll have to be all indignant about it. The audacity!

And they WILL take pictures of your kids.

You might, like many have, attempt to hold others responsible for your predicament by blaming the people who buy the magazines that publish these photos. But Enquirer buyer, Mrs. Josephine AdminiClerk, has enough crap to deal with, what with working full time and cleaning her own house, cooking her own meals, and taking care of her own kids, and she doesn't really have time to worry about you. And even your best celebrity shaming techniques aren't going to work on everyone.

Everyone's job has some component that is not enjoyable; that is why people get paid to do it. The photographer probably hates the waiting 15 hours in the bushes to get a pic of a famous person part of his job, but he does it to get paid.

So please consider yourself warned. I don't want to hear you complaining about this stuff from your compound in 10 years. I don't want to hear "I didn't sign up for this!" because you know, what? You kinda did.

Sunday, June 05, 2005


There was another plane scare the other day; something about an errant hijack code. So the plane was diverted to Canada.

So, if I am following this, the policy seems to be if there might be a bomb aboard a plane that is destined for the USA, send it to Canada!

As a Canadian, I have to tell you, I am not really crazy about this policy.