Future Fashion

Just saw a couple of minutes of Star Trek:The Undiscovered Country on tv. By the looks of what the space dudes were wearing I'd say we can look forward to a lot of chenille style robes and tunics! I am super excited! Happy New Year y'all!

Who can I tell this to, except my Dear Diary (aka 'Blog - stupid word) and my awesome peep who is following me. High five, peep, right up top!

I know this is rather down talk for this time of yera, but frankly Christmas is bumming me out. We're having the relatives over on Christmas day for dinner for the third year in a row and no matter how much effort I put in it will be wrong. I seem to suffer from two problems: I do too much/spend too much/make it "unnecessarily fancy" and at the same time I don't do enough/don't have enough craft activities available for the kids to do/make it too casual. It's a difficult pair of problems to overcome. I try hard to be chipper and stay above the fray, but inevitibly I get down about some remark from one of them that strikes me as particularly unkind, and I can always count on my husband to tell me I am being "too sensitive".. Do not fall for that on e, dear Peeper, it's just the modern day, less vulgar way of saying "she's on the rag" and they can use it all year round. I love men!

Earlier I asked my son to finish up what he was doing (like 5 mins) and then come and help me clean a little. I haven't seen him for three hours. Junior man!

And then the bumming me out part is that the years just seem to be going by so fast now, and it feels like just months ago that I put the damn Christmas decorations away and now here I am doing it again. Shopping and cooking and decorating for an entitled group of people who will come over, eat, roll their eyes about how long the turkey is taking, or the fact that the coffee pot is empty, believe me when I say, "No, no that's fine I don't need any help cleaning up!" and then head out the door about five minutes after I am finished working.

Aren't you supposed to end these things with some cute thing about how despite all that you're so glad to do it because it's Christmas and it's all so great!? Well I am not ending it like that.

Julie and Julia

I just finished watching the dvd version of "Julie and Julia". And I am a little sad to say that I expected to like it more than I did. I think it was because I found the Julie Powell character rather unlikeable. I didn't like her for a bunch of reasons, but here's a good example: When Julie made her "pilgrimage" to Julia's kitchen in the Smithsonian, and she pulled out the pound of butter and laid it in front of Julia Child's picture, as though it were a shrine, and said "I love you, Julia!" (You know, all plucky and hat-in-hand sincere and she seems to add, in that spunkly, plucky li'l look "I know you don't like me, but goll darn it I am going to like you anyway!...I momentarily softened. And then that moment passed as quickly as it came and I thought, how goddam contrived! My heart shrank two sizes that day.

And that was the nicest thing she did in the movie!

I feel mean saying that, but it is the truth.

Demoted!

I just got a group email forward wishing me a Merry Christmas and a happy new year. Not to be a nit picker here, but I think New Year's Day has acquired enough cultural significance as a holiday that it now deserves to be capitalized, but whatever, it's Christmas!

My point here is this is from a friend who was once a really close friend -- like best friend close. We've grown apart to be sure -- we haven't spoken in a year or more, and before that our frindship had been fading fast, but still, it bugs me to get this group forward. The email itself seems like the kind of thing one sends to the co-workers who don't warrant even one box of candy out of the 20 dollar multi-pack box of chocolates one buys at Costco.

It's not even a personalized message -- it's group forward! It seems kinda half-assed, frankly it seems kinda one quarter assed to me, but it's Christmas time and I am being generous of spirit!

Inevitably someone will say something like maybe you should be glad to have been remembered at all! But I don't feel that way; I feel a little slighted by the conscious degree of non-effort that went into the greeting.

And that's really all I have to say about that, Forrest Gump.

Yes!

Went to a Christmas party last night where there was "entertainment" put on by some kids. Who doesn't want to watch a bunch of kids they don't know butcher "Frosty the Snowman" in song and then proceed to act out a three act play about said snowman that they have written themselves. Written themselves! No editing! Really needed editing!

Tell me who because I'd like to know where they got the guts to admit that.

I honestly didn't know time could move that slowly; and I have had some really boring profs in my time.

Shout Out to My Peeps, Peep!

I just found out I have a follower. I cannot tell you how awesome that is, _______ (don't want to use your name in case that's not cool, but you know who you are!). High five! Let's come up with a handshake! Shriner style!

You, dear ________ have totally made my day! Thank you.

But seriously, get working on the handshake.

Starbucks Via

Well Sir, I have tried Starbucks new instant coffee. In fact, I have had it twice now, and I will say this: If you can't tell the difference between a cup of Starbucks regular brew and a cup of this Via instant coffee, you may be spending too much money on coffee.

Sure it's good for instant coffee, but that bar is not very high.

Really Funny Book

I bought a book for my husband called Don't Be That Guy: A Collection of 60 Annoying Guys We All Know and Wish We Didn't by Colin Nissan and Sean Farrell.

It is honestly the funniest thing I have read in a long time.

Peeps, Please

OMIGOD the Ladies of the View and the "Is it 'Twitter' or 'Tweet?!'". They are all exasperated and beside themselves trying to figure it out! Former school teacher Joy Behar takes the opportunity to give the ladies a grammar lesson, which seems lost on Sherri and Elizabeth. (Never try to explain anything to a Sherri with an i. They just don't get it). Funny part about that is the teacher was wrong...because...
they have the dude that founded twitter on and he explains it differently.

Did the Twitter people sell their souls to the devil to get all this free publicity.

Am I wrong to just totally not care about how Ashton Kutcher is spending his day. Because I don't.

Honestly, the whole thing bugs me.

When is the internet going to be over, because I think I am ready.

Yah, Hi Again, America

It's been over three months since I praised you for being awesome again and I still haven't heard back from you.

That's going to lose you some awesome points.

Natural consequences. (It's a responsible parenting thing--don't blame me. Blame those fuckers at the Lifetime Channel)

It is just so great that the USA is awesome again.

Welcome back. We missed you and your awesomeness.

I Rate My Own Blog

......Is there a grade higher than A+? Like maybe an A+, on merit, because you earned it, PLUS you screwed your prof.

Because that's what I'd give it. A++

If I were on Ebay, rating myself as a seller, I'd be all A++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++!!!!!!!!

Just writing this blog is like screwing myself.

The Shangri-La Diet...

joins the quark as further proof for the existence of God.

I'll tell you why.

First the quark. Remember when science taught that there was nothing smaller than the atom? Then the scientists found the quark, which was quite a bit smaller. It is like once we have something figured out, God pulls the old switcheroo and changes everything.

Okay, now take EVERYTHING modern science (including the fields of nutrition and medicine) has told us about what is healthy eating. And think of the two most fattening foods you can -- fat and sugar, right?

Correctamundo.

Now, tell me one diet plan that would for goddam sure would not ever work....that would be doing something totally insane like, oh, say, drinking oil and sugar water, right?

And that is the diet. That's what you do to lose weight. I'm not kidding.

Who else but God could make a plan like that work?

Time for An Update, Motherfuckers!

I don't really have anything to say, I just really wanted to find a way to work that title in.

I feel I am so hardcore, for a Mom. Who lives in the suburbs. And buys her track suits at Costco. Then wears them to drive her son to school. And then thinks to herself "Hmm what should I do today?" The decides to rock a Costco trip. It's fucking META hardcore.

That's how I roll.

Site Meter=Bad

I don't really like it when I see someone has site meter because it acts a bit like a telephone answering machine. (You don't need to know why I don't like answering machines either, because this is about site meters, but let's just say, Mr. Boolean, it involves "me" and "acting super dorky" and "People who once admired me maybe losing a little respect because of the loser messages I leave trying to be funny and realizing I wasn't and then trying to save the situation which only makes the message weirder, less funny and generally, the entire situation a lot worse.")

But back to site meter. Why is site meter like an answering machine you want to know? (Wow, you really can't get off that answering machine, can you!?) It's because it leaves a trail. When you visit a site it tells the inconsiderate-enough-to-use-site-meter webmaster where you have been and where you are going on the internet. And I am not cool like most people on the Internet, so I typically don't remember this fact until I have left myself sandwiched between my visits to Rosie O'Donnell's blog and a Google search for Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. (My mind is complicated and it works fast.)

And that's pretty much why I don't like Site Meter.

Well Now I'm Pissed

Rosie has left The View. Thanks alot Elizabeth Hasselbeck! May your googily eyes continue to google, but somewhere else because I can't stand looking at you. If they don't replace Rosie O'Donnell with either Kathy Griffin or Roseanne Barr, then screw that goddam show and the horse it rode in on.

Also in addition to making Kelly Ripa go away is there some way someone could make Sam Champion get off my tv screen as well? I have never been a big fan of his, but the last straw for me was when he was on location in some bad weather area--I think they were expecting a hurricane, and Sam Champion, NEWS REPORTER was reporting weather NEWS, from the beach in his BARE FEET. (To make matters worse he had rolled up his pants. Remember those fuckwads, from the 80s, who'd roll up their baggy jeans and wear their loafers without socks. That's what he looked like to me). Anyway, when someone asked him about being barefoot he went off on a tirade about how much he loves the beach. Like the news story is about him and his beach love. Not the potential impending hurricane.

Please, make him and Kelly go somewhere together, happily. I don't wish them any ill will--I just never want to see or think about either of them again. No offense Sam and Kelly, you just suck.

Kelly Ripa Has A Big Head. No, Really. She Does. Maria Shriver Big. Seriously. You've Seen It. Don't Pretend You Haven't Noticed.

I happened to catch a couple of minutes of Regis and Kelly this morning. It was one of those "phenomenal" road shows, this time from New Orleans. And Kelly was helping to build a playground for the children of New Orleans thus demonstrating her intense chutzpa and pluckiness by heaving a shovel load of bark mulch. (Have you ever felt bark mulch? It's like the world's lightest substance--it's practically freaky in its lightweightedness. ) and I was just wondering if there some way that someone can make Kelly Ripa get off tv.

She also talked a while about having eaten some oysters and how she then went for two long runs. I wonder if she has heard of exercise bulimia, because it's a thing. A very real thing.

More on hyper sensitivity, you freaks*

A while ago I wrote something about being hyper sensitive and honestly, from the comments and emails I got, I think I hit a nerve. Well of course I did we're sensitive. I just wrote a little thing about how there's hope for hyper sensitives because things get better with age, and I realized that there are a lot of hyper sensitives, like me, who need some hope. So I am going share everything I know with all of you young 'uns.

Here are the things that I know from my own experience about being way too sensitive.

Some things that help:

First and foremost know that being sensitive is a very positive thing. Even if you, like me, have spent a good part of your life thinking it was a curse, change your mind. Believe that, and if you don't, try hard to operate as though you did. It's a gift that few of us receive, and I have come to think of it as a kind of talent. Like perfect pitch. You might not have an occasion to use it all that often, but when you do nothing, NOTHING beats it.

And also, lighten up on yourself for God's sake! You're super sensitive and you take things way harder than other people do. Please be sweet to yourself. You're sensitive and easily hurt. Don't call yourself fat or ugly or stupid or thoughtless or foolish. Just don't do that any more. When you do that it's like your slapping your 8 month old self right in the face. Please, if you only do one thing, do this one.

Find kindred spirits. I don't really know too many in person but I do in books. I love Marianne Williamson so much. Her book A Return to Love changed and saved my life. Read it. I recently discovered Anne Lamott . She was an answer to a prayer. Read her fabulous books, they also help.

Email me or leave a comment if you feel like it.

* See that's a joke, don't get all "Man I am such a LOSER" on me.

Who Saw the Oscars!?

How long was it? 4 hours? About 3.75 of them centring on people you have never heard of? Is that how it was? Little bit of mildly funny interspersed. The kind that produces in you one of those "oh, tee hee that's amusing" kind of laughs? Like the cute commercials do?

Was Jack Nicholson there in the front row, looking all bad, because he's such a bad boy? What exactly makes Jack Nicholson so bad anyway? Is he a heroin dealer or something? Just wearing Ray Bans does not really make you bad. And not to get too picky, but Jack Nicholson is no boy. If you insist he's bad then he's a bad man which now sounds less cute.

Who else was there? Was creepy Joan Rivers out there making snarky remarks about people? God, if anyone should talk, that woman with her horrible plastic surgery and her homely daughter has got to be it.

How about the big GENIUS directors -- were they all there holding court like they usually do?

I don't know I didn't see it.

My Oscar Predictions

Best Picture: Don't care
Best Actor: Not relevant to my life
Best Actress: Care even less than I do about the Best Actor Category
Best Director: Yaw, like this is the one I am suddenly caring about
Best producer: Motherfucker, I don't even know what a producer does
Best Supporting Actor: Please
Best Supporting Acress: Shyeahh

Let's sum up--not interested in "The Oscars" ; don't give a flying fuck who does or does not win, and really don't get why anyone who is not in that self congratulatory industry does.

Women and Children First

That's over.

You can't have equality in pay and work and education and domestic responsibilities and then expect to be treated unequally when it comes to spaces on a lifeboat.

You Better Believe I Do!

Here's me: driving along in traffic, listening to maybe one of the greatest songs ever (Do I Do by the great Stevie Wonder), but not enjoying it it as much as I could have been because Senior Stan is driving about 35 kph (umm that's like uhhh, oh it's ummm , say roughly 22 mph) in front of me.

Since I am tailgating him so severly I cannot help notice his curly white haired lady friend in the front seat. She seems remarkably agile for a senior. I am impressed. Then I got a look at her profile; turns out she's a poodle. No really, an actual poodle.

Then I drive home to my cul de sac, still have the Stevie Wonder going, and my neighbour makes some comment about how I need to modernize my musical tastes and why don't I listen to Nickelback.

This is what I am dealing with people. 24/7.

Now don't you feel petty worrying about your stuff?

Yes, I thought you might.

Matchmaking -- Ladies, Here's How It's Done

Before I begin, I'll ask you to make sure you are seated comfortably because this match is simply going to blow your mind.

This is too good to fuck around with a lot of ellipses, so let's just get right to it...

I match John Mayer with Norah Jones.

IS YOUR MIND BLOWN RIGHT NOW!?

ARE YOU ALL, OMIGOD WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT!?*

I know, it's fucking awesome.

UPDATE:

My Entertainment news and gossip meter was all aglow today because apparently John Mayer and Jessica Simpson broke up. God Bless their hearts.

John Mayer make your goddam move already!


*You know why, because the great ones always make it look so simple, but in truth I have been ciphering in my laboratory for days.

Decisions, decisions

You know, I pretty much had it all figured out. I had decided that Johnny Depp was my imaginary husband. And then didn't Matt Dillon have to show up again in my life today. Now I have had to reopen the debate, because Matt Dillon has a certain je ne sais quoi, that with Johnny Depp is not so much of a mystery since you pretty much know up front what the quoi is. Matt Dillon can look, dare I say, a little preppy at times, which can come in handy in the lives of most women.

I am still thinking about it.

It is high time I realized

that I must give up the dream of the gay son.

My son likes girls; and that is just the way it is.

So for me, there will be no Sunday morning phone calls inviting me to brunch and an afternoon spent antiquing. Nor will there be any helpful shopping trips, or trips to the tony beuaty salon of a friend.

No, not for me.

Because my son likes the ladies.

But that's okay because he's my son and I love him anyway.

Rosie Vs. Donald T. (now that noone cares)

I side with Rosie O'. First, Rosie, whether you want to admit it or not, has done a lot to change television for the better. In her way, she has made celebrity and celebrities more human and more accessible. She's demystified something that probably never should have been mystified to begin with. And she's broken down some kind of invisible wall that existed between "stars" and their "fans".

Donald Trump may have done much to advance assholism and skullduggery, but I don't keep up with those fields so I can't say for sure. Why is his hair fair game? Well, much like President Bush's misproununciations, it's fair game because he does it so much, for so long, and refuses to even acknowledge there's anything wrong with it to the point that it surely must say something about the character of the man. Rosie knows she's fat and acknowledges it every day. So while she may not be changing it, at least she's acknowledging it. That's already far healthier.

Now that some time has past it really fucking offends me that people didn't stand up for her. And if it's true that Oprah said "Finally someone said what everyone was thinking" in response to that VILE Camile Paglia's horrible comments about Rosie and Donald Trump, then I am sad to say but I am disgusted with Oprah, too. (I really hope that's not the case). And Camille Paglia needs to have her feminist ID Badge taken away. And the decoder ring. She really does. She's a bad man.

WOW! I'm Time's Person of the Year. WOW! I'm flabbergasted! Well, truthfully I should say I am not really all that surprised. Like it's not right outta the blue because let's face it I do do a lot. Really, when you consider all my accomplishments, who else could they pick. But still, I do want to thank some people. First and foremost I want to thank our heavenly father, God. I don't have an agent or any sort of representation, but if I did I would be thanking them. Of course, the publishers of Time magazine, thank you for recognizing my many achievments over the year -- it's good to be appreciated, but on this level, wow again! Thanks to my wonderful family for being the main recipient of my accomplishments. (Many of you are probably thinking wow, she is classy to thank her family for what she has done. YAH, hence the Person of the Year award). And thank you to you, Dear Reader (again classssss-y because what have you got to do with it, really?)

Nucular

I saw your President on tv this morning and he said "nucular" about 15 times. But this morning, instead of marvelling at how far the Yale education has fallen like I usually do, this morning I thought it actually said something about the man.

He has been corrected countless times in the press, even ridiculed about his mispronounciation of that word. Mocked, I'd say in some circles, not mentioning any names, okay David Letterman, for six long, long, really, really long years, and yet he persists.

Despite the critics and the naysayers, he has stayed the goddam course of lousy diction.

I gots me a new favourite teevee show

30 Rock, baby!

Thir-tay rock. Mr. Alec Bladwin makes me weep with artistic and comedic
appreciation. If you missed it, you're a fuckup! Naw, not really, but kinda.
Kay, so watch it next time. It is fantastic, and trust me I have good taste. (I'm the one who suggested installing an Easy Bake oven in your computer)

Some Suggestions for Improving the Modern Computer

1. (I am getting tired of saying this so now I have to shout it. That's right, compunerds, your complete and total lack of progress in this area has forced me to put my finger on the caps lock button. I am not joking around.) FIND A WAY TO GET MY COMPUTER TO DISPENSE SOFT DRINKS.

2. On the topic of food, please, please, please work with the people at Mattel to install some sort of Easy Bake oven into the next generation of computers. I have several drives that I am not currently using and would appreciate it if I could slide a small cake pan in one of them while I am working. Ten minutes later, ding! There's cake. I could also accept a toaster oven; something that'll do a mini pizza or a bagel. I am frankly surprised, given the rotund nature of some in the "tech" field, that this has not already been developed.

3. Do something about the names of these websites. When I type in something like "hard candy" I expect to be taken to a website related to actual candy.

4. A make up mirror would also make a nice addition.

5. Some of these keys on the keyboard are absolutely useless. I already have one F key, I do not need any additional F keys, let alone 10. Duh! Honestly, what are you people smoking? Scroll Lock? Never heard of it, have no idea what it does, never will. It goes!

6. Make they keyboard self-cleaning. Nothing fancy, just a couple of Dr. Seuss type hands that come out and sweep up crumbs.

7. Change the "helpful"-It-looks-like-you're-writing-a-letter paperclip to one Mr. Johnny Depp.

8. Change the "start up" music to a voice that says "You're soooooo prettty!". That's just good for everyone's self esteem.

Isn't String Theory such a tantalizing idea. Imagine the possibilities of many different dimensions existing simultaeously, with many different yous in each one.

For sure in String A it turns out I did make it past the security guard at the studio where they filmed 21 Jump Street, and Johnny Depp did not in fact look super freaked out when I pulled out my 240 page Ode to his beauty (inside and out people, I am not shallow like some of you). We were married later that day and live happily together in...what am I crazy, I cannot tell you where we live, one of your alternate dimension selves will show up and try to harass us. Nice try, Internet!

String B: Puppy world!

String c: Fame. I am super famous in this one, but in a different way. I am like a combination of Mother Theresa and Beyonce. So I divide my time between caring for the dying and producing hit records and performing super sexy dance numbers on tv. I am loved by millions, including Johnny Depp. See you really cannot screw with fate. Brad Pitt hits on me constantly, and while I do find him attractive, I cannot go for it because of my high moral principles and his performance in Meet Joe Black.

String D: Bought a Quiznos!

Big Brother

Well, it's down to the final two. I have to say, given the choice between Erica and the alternative, I am voting for the senior citizen lady. Erica seems like a very nice fellow, but I have always had a spot in my heart for Maude. Go Bea Arthur! Grey Panthers all the way!

Of course I was sad to see Janelle go; and like all the others I spent so much time ridiculing, I, in the end, wanted to see Will kiss her. I found myself on the edge of the sofa yelling at the tv like the fellers do when they are watching a sporting event: "Yeeeessss, that's it, move closer. Good! Now take her hand, okay, good, gooooood, move in. Come on, you're Keith Partridge. Yawn and stretch! AW FUCKING Chicken George! Godammmmmit!" Intercepted. That's why I don't follow sports -- too frustrating.

And I am on the Will Kirby bandwagon. I may divorce my husband for Will Kirby and then start dating other guys just so I can dump them for Will Kirby.

Cut to my diary...

Mrs. Will Kirby
Mrs. William Kirby
Dr. and Mrs. W. Kirby

Duffland!

My eight year old son had a single objective: to buy every gun at Disneyland. It may surprise you to know that there are a total of seven guns for sale at Disneyland, and may not surprise you to learn that having nine guns in your suitcases makes for some good times at security screening.

You will encounter punk rockers at Disneyland, and, while not an expert in these matters, it does seem that getting into a whiny fight in line at the gift shop with your mom and grandma about how many Pirates of The Caribbean skulls you can buy with your Disney Bucks could negatively affect your streed cred.

There truly is a seamy underisde to Duffland, and I would say it's mildew. Every single water ride had a funny smell. I was wearing white pants, got splashed on the Pirates of the Carribbean ride and the water left yellowish stains on my pants. That was kinda punk rock.

All roads lead to the gift shop. No exceptions.

The only people riding motorized scooters were people who looked like they could have used a good long walk. Like really long. Say around the Earth twice. Jared, rock on!

Eight year old boys are way too cool to have their pictures taken with Lilo and Stitch, but their moms aren't! And it was all fun and games until Stitch tried to cop a feel. You can't tell me you have absolutely no feeling in those giant plushie hands.

Like Nature,

I, too, abhor a vacuum.

So, I bought a Roomba! It's a li'l robot that vacuums my carpet and sweeps my floors. And no, I do not have shares in the company, but I might get some one day.

And yes, you can put that in your pipe and smoke it, hippie.

Great News for Stephen Harper

And I mean that sarcastically.

Turns out that he has even more competition to be George Bush's best friend. George Bush has pretty much said that The Prime Minister of Japan is his second best friend, what with his recording an album of his favourite Elvis songs and everything. So, now Stephen has to battle it out with Vincente Fox for third best friend, when everyone knows he was really trying for BFF.

I just know at the next G8, Stephen is going to be expecting George to save a seat for him at his table, and George is going to be all "oh, sorry Steven, but Tony got here first." You know, trying to make it out like it was Stephen. So then Steph's going to have to be all "oh, that's okay, I was just coming over to say hi, but I am supposed to be sitting with Norway." And then Tony kinda stiffles a laugh, because he can be a real jerk about stuff like that, and Tony chimes in with "Oh when did Norway go G8?" Typical Brit, all sarcastic and everything.

The Stephen pretends he has a super important IM to answer and uses it as an excuse to leave.

If that doesn't make you cry, I don't know what will.

The Blowout

In our twenties, my friends and I were kinda hip, and so, for some reason, presumably as some sort of by-product of Canadian hipness, we could necer use the actual name for anything and so instead, someone, usually me, (because I was one of the worst offenders) had to come up with some sort of name that was usually meant to be used in a funny way (like saying "groovy" in 1985 for example, which I personally think I resurected from the dead, but I digress.

No, right now I am talking about the word BLOWOUT, which means "party" , big warehouse party but, given the times and our ages was pretty much crappy bachelor suite apartment party.

Doesn't the name imply loud music, lots of alcohol and some smashing of things? In reality, blowouts were usually held by one guy, in his apartment, with the stereo solidly set at three, an assortment of "appetizers" like mini quiches (it was the 80s)and hummus (in the 80s, see I told you we were hip), with Dan scurrying around with a garbage bag tied around his waist for easy trash disposal. Invariably, someone would get into a fight about strippers, and the passive aggressive guy would "accidentally" knock over a the dining table. The irony of the name vs. the experience was not lost on me.

Yeah, but like I said, we called it a blowout.

Unfair Fact of Life #76

No woman really considers it sexual harassment if she thinks the guy is hot. Best case: she finds it flattering; worst case it's a cute annoyance.

Slap an extra 20 years and sixty pounds on the feller; add one comb-over and whammo, you've got yourself a lawsuit.

I'm just saying.

Web TV Users UNITE!

Remember seeing things like this, on the internet, a few years ago:

I AM A WEB TV USER AND CANNOT MAKE PARAGRAPHS.

Then the person would go on and on in their free form, no-paragraph prose.

Apparently, there must have been criticism about Josephine Web TVUser's big ol' page of all caps text because she always felt the need to preface everything with that caveat. There she was, sitting on her hideaway couch in her double wide, and one day she decides she's going to get on the internet, and some asshole somewhere convinces her that WEB TV is the wave of the future. And she's not very wordly in such matters, plus the price is right, so she buys it. And on that day, that fateful day, she wasn't aware she was dooming herself to a lifetime of paragraphless forum posts, and the harsh, harsh world of the internet critic.

Will you not weep for Josephine?

True Confession

I do not know when I am "about to rock". And, like "partying", I am not even sure I am doing it when I am doing it. If in fact I am doing it.

I think there may be alcohol involved. Sure I can drink, but not like these 72 hour weekend partier boozers. That I cannot do. I don't like other people's company that much.

Way, way down this list I wrote a thing about how you know when you are "kicking back", but even that I was totally faking because I am not 100% sure about the kicking component. Is it necessary but not sufficient? Surely it can't just be the kicking because then I'd be kicking back every time I kick the dog and that doesn't sound right. (I don't really kick my dog, but thanks for thinking I did! sheesh)

If anyone ever figures it out, lemme know would you?

Nya nya nya nya (or neener, as you prefer)

Your President is spying on your phone calls.

LAME!

Today is our 10th anniversary!

I'd say it was a day that marks 10 soul crushing, hope and dream dashing, tediously boring anguish-filled years, but I worry that that might sound negative.

Aww, I'm a kidder.

They weren't all bad.

Most isn't all!

wink

MY New Charitable Giving Policy:

I will not be giving any more money for cancer research until they find a cure.

That ought to light a fire under someone's ass.

Adam Sandler's wife had a baby...

can you imagine the number of goofy voices that child is going to be subjected to? I bet he's doing one right now.

What the Hell is David Blaine Doing?

A goddam fishbowl? I wish he had asked me because I could have told him my son has a fish in a bowl and he lost interest in it after about two days. Things in bowls are maybe better ideas on paper.

His hands are are pruny! Who here is surprised by that? How is he going tinky? I understand he is sucking Ensure out of a balloon, which is already revolting enough, but please tell me he is not peeing in his li'l bowl.

And he has that little sign board that he writes messages on and holds up. He's all "Help me; I am in great pain". Well frankly who believes these guys anyway? They lie for a living with all the "illusions" and "sleight of hand" and shit. Dude's cried wolf as it were one too many times.

Plus I read on my lamer Yahoo home page that Keith Richards had "head surgery"! About goddam time! What is head surgery though? Is it like brain surgery; did he have an aneurism or something?

Hey America

For me, that 911 movie is too soon. I find myself sobbing at the commercials. And I am not even an American.

I will say this that as much as your country pisses off my country sometimes, and it does, September 11th taught me that despite all the grumbling and complaining and the pettiness, that Canadians genuinely *love* Americans. Even if you act like jerks sometimes, which you do.

We love America like we love no other country. Bad things happen to other people in other countries, too. And as awful as that is, and as much as we want to help and do help, and as sympathetic as we feel towards those citizens, it doesn't affect us as deeply as September 11th did.

Several days after September 11th, 2001 Canada had, in its capital city, Ottawa, the largest public demonstration in Canadian history. It was to show support for America. The largest public demonstration in Canadian history. We all cried, and felt shocked and horrified and tremedously saddened, but I think at the root of the feeling there was something else, and it was that we, as a country, felt protective of the United States at its most vulnerable time.

Canadians frequently grumble about America, usually about her politicians and their policies. From September 11, 2001 until about a year after no one grumbled, complained, disparaged or even rolled an eye at anything American. No one said we should do this -- it was a collective, unconscious decision made by a country that quietly said "This is the side we are on". It may have, in some way, even come as a surprise to Canadians, just how strongly we supported and loved our big, brash, bossy, beautiful neighbour to the south.

That movie is kind of bringing it all back.

Poor Stephen Harper

I just felt really bad for him, you know, at that summit with Mr. Hip Vincente Fox and Mr. Cool George W. And there he was, the nerdy cousin, with the inappropriate cargo vest.

The film footage is sad, too, because you can see he is right in W's face the whole time. He TOTALLY wants to be best friends with him, but George is all, I am sorry brother, but I already have a best friend and his name is Tony Blair.

Great! Like how in the hell is Stephen Harper, cammo vest wearer from Canada ever going to hope to compete with Tony G-dam Blair, with the cool English accent. Are you trying to tell me that W. is not a Bond fan?! Because I won't believe it if you are. And Vincente and George are talking about quesadillas and salsa and Stephen Harper tries to chime in with something about how strong Canadian beer is, but no one really cares because they are tired of Canadians playing the "strong beer" card.

So then, to shup Stephen up, Vincente (and let's face it, he's kinda rubbing it in, with his closeness to George) says something about clubbing a baby seal over the head and all of a sudden it gets real quiet.

But still, I just feel bad for him though because his suitcase was probably filled with bottles of maple syrup and hockey trading cards and maybe a Hudson's Bay blanket and most people just aren't that impressed with that stuff. (They would rather have liquor and cigarettes from the duty free, I say that, if you're a traveller, just so you know.) Especially the leader of the free world. Like he's seen a lot of this stuff already. Maple syrup is no big whoop to him at all.

Stephen will keep on trying though. Count on that.

I am even awkward on the internet

Doesn't it seem like everyone on the internet knows each other?

Case in point:
You read someone's Blog post, and the comments always seem so familiar. Despite the seeming familiarity and out of a desperate need to "fit in", I chime in with my "witty" comment and then hit post and read it and surrounded by everyone else's funny and appropriate comments, mine, which seemed really funny at the time I wrote it in the typepad box, now seems not very funny and weirdly inappropriate. And I imagine the other commenters who really are all friends are reading it thinking "who is this suburby chick and why does she leave such weird comments?"

Plus what is it with being taken off someone's blogroll!

That has happened to me a lot. And I will tell you this -- it feeds right into my Imposter Syndrome problem. RIGHT INTO IT.

I have been taken off more Blogrolls than I have been put on.

Thanks a lot, Al Gore. Thank you very much.

Last Book Club was Chez Moi (that means 'at my house'. Well, why didn't you just say 'at my house' then?)

Please allow me to set the scene.

Me, your heroine, on death's doorstep as a result of what the doctor called a "fairly nasty looking sore throat". FAIRLY nasty. The prescription I had for an antibiotic did not stop me from fulfilling my obligations as Book Club hostess. Nor did it stop me from loading my fat ass into my small SUV (4 cylinder--not a gas pig!) to drive to M&M to buy food for the Book Club ingrates.

I will start by telling you that the book we reviewed was "A Million Little Pieces" by Mr. Street Cred according to his Mom, James Frey. The dude is almost as Street as Carson Daly.

I will tell you what I told the book club ladies. I liked the book a lot for the first 3/4 of it. Then I started to notice the phoniness and the uni-dimensionality of the supporting cast. And I admitted it took me until I was three-quarters of the way through to notice this!

I said I'd have the same problems with the characters if the book were sold as a novel.

The ladies all disagreed with me...they all loved it and argued that they didn't expect any actual truth from a memoir. What they expected was "his truth as he remembered it" "His version of the events". Just FYI, in my memoir I am going to remember I was Mrs. Johnny Depp and I created Linux.

What about truth on a book tour, where he's talking about all these things happening to him as having actually happened in interviews? Where journalists ask him what was it like to be in jail, etc. And he said stuff like "Oh man, jail is hard!" (Like he'd know!)

Their answer? Silence. Then 10 minutes later they start talking about how they haven't seen me be so bitchy before. Apparently holding a different point of view and expressing said p.o.v. and thinking that the truth matters makes one bitchy.

(Didn't anyone else have those great arguments in university that would go on and on over bottles of wine and people would be disagreeing like crazy and even yelling, but it was okay to have a different point of view, it was even kinda good to...anyone remember that?)

and then...

one bad, bad woman who I really don't know well, but that didn't seem to stop her from scarfing down my hot hors d'oeuvres said, smugly...

"Well, I'd like to know what you thought of the book BEFORE you heard that Oprah didn't like it".

And then, in my mind, I quit the book club. But not before I grabbed those goddam cream cheese and sundried tomato puffs out of her fat little hand. (also in my mind).

Agree with me, or the baby seal gets it!

As a Canadian you really have to keep your eye on me. I could start clubbing baby seals at any time.

I hate the seal hunt, but did you see Larry King last night? I didn't. The whole topic upsets me so much. But I did flip past a couple of times, forgetting it was on, and at one point I flipped past just as Larry was asking "Why do they have to club them?"

Fucked if I know!

Besides the absolute unmitigated fucking HORROR of the whole thing, it really makes Canadians look like sickos. It's like we are the crazy serial killer neighbour who always attended the summer block party and seemed so nice with his kids and his homemade donuts, then it turns out he's been doing horrible things in his basement for years and you didn't know about it until he was 5/O'd on t.v.

By goddam Paul McCartney of all people! Who, some people tell me was in a band before Wings.

My Yahoo Home Page

First question you may be asking yourself is what kind of loser has Yahoo for her home page. I do! How do you do. I am not saying it's perfect though. Take today's:

Item 1:
There's a picture of a dog with his beagle ears kind trick photography'd up, so he looks a bit like the Flying Nun. That's good.

Item 2:

A Clickable link to something about killer abs. When will this expression go away?

Item 3:

De rigeur pic of baby in sunglasses. COME ON!

Item 4:

A bunch of links to fantasy babeball and fantasy football. Look, I have enough problems with the real sports, I don't need the fantasy version along for the ride.

Item 4:

HotJobs, which can very easily be misread if you take my meaning and I think you do.

Item 5;

Yahoo Health -- with the obligatory picture of a smiling woman eating fresh fruit. Now that's healthy!

Item 6:

Oscars predictions. Are you fucking kidding me? I don't even know who's nominated.

Item 7;

News item about Madonna getting a hernia at the Grammys. For some reason that made me think of Martha Raye, denture wearer.

Item 8:

Buzz Log: What the world is searching for. Kay, why do you need to know what other people are looking up on Yahoo. Seriously, what's it to you? Kids today!

Item 9:

Something about that dude who played the Hulk getting another job. High five Bru!

James Frey

If I were a pee-my-pants/roll around in my own vomit barfing up chunks of my own stomach/street fighter like James Frey is, I'd get a cooler shirt to wear on Larry King. Plus don't know if I'd bring my mom along. Kinda cuts into the street cred.

"Yu-huh I am a bad ass...just ask my mom!"

Oh negativity

I have a fairly rare blood type -- O negative. We are the universal donors--we can give blood to anyone. But, we can only take our own. (Unlike the other rare blood type, AB, who can't give to anyone else but their own selfish, selfish kind, but who can take anyone's blood I might add, and I am sure do, at every opportunity. The takers!)

When I used to watch ER, I would always feel a small surge of pride knowing when in an emergency situation and one of the doctors called for a unit of O neg, that I, if I lived in Chicago, and had donated blood recently, and the patient had lived, and it wasn't a tv show, that I might have been responsible in some small way (who am I kidding, some small way! -- the total way, the whole, entire way) had been responsible for saving that fictional character's life! That's big people--really, really big. Let's face it, I'm a hero.

When you are a O neg blood donor (hero), you get a phone call the second your body is again available to donate blood. The SECOND. You're a big shot of the blood donating world; you're like a celebrity (not really, but you really should be). Some years ago I stopped donating blood for a while. Then I thought, man, I need to get back to saving the world. So I called up the Canadian Blood Donation service and let them know I was available again.

"O negative!?" the woman on the phone exclaimed, clearly delighted.

"Yes" I replied, trying to sound humble, but frankly who are we kidding.

We made some chit chat and then she asked me her usual screening questions like have I ever had malaria, (No!) Am I HIV Positive (no!) Have I ever had syphyllis (no!) Have I spend three months or more in England during the 80s....

uhhhhh

why yes, as a matter of fact I did spend exactly three months in England during the 80s.

Uncomfortable silence. The sound of dashed hopes and shattering dreams.

"well, in that case" she said "we cannot take your blood."

Mad cow disease.

"No" I protested "I was a starving student in the 80s -- I barely had any money to eat any meat of any kind while I was there, let alone beef"

"Oh that doesn't matter" she said, her tone turning cold. Beef products are in everything from cookies to french fries" which I recalled was pretty much my entire diet during my stay in London.

"well, okay" I said "but frankly I am now a little concerned about my own health."

"Oh" she said "don't worry--it's very unlikely that you have acquired the human variant of mad cow disease".

That's good to know. But you still won't take my blood.

"No fucking way!" she said. (minus the swearing). "We can't take the chance."

Book Club Update

Well Sir, here's how it went...

We reviewed The Life of Pi, a book I was absolutely enchanted by. Here were some of the comments from other club members, which ties in nicely to my "Why do I join book clubs!?" theme.

Of course I gave my opinion and then nodded politely while everyone else gave their totally wrong opinions on the book. But here's what I was thinking...

1. "I hated it -- it was too pretentious. I felt like the author had saved up every clever and deep thought he ever had and them dumped them all into this book."

Suburby says: (please read that like "Survey says...", from the Family Feud! Thank you!) WRONG!

2. "I am not religious at all, so I could not see anything at all religious about this book"

My verdict: WRONG AGAIN!

3. "I prefer to read "lighter" books."

Inside my head: Quelle surprise!

There was then some general discussion about how badly zoos suck and bad 80s fashions. Oh, and curling. All of which was riveting.

If anyone has read The Life of Pi, please weigh in with your thoughts on the book.

I am so cranky today, look...

Who else is sick of the goddammed internet? I am so tired of reading crap like this " "Martha Stewart, ex-con and domestic diva..."

Is there a more hackneyed expression nowadays than "domestic diva"? Does every journalist have to write in that wretched combo style of half cutsey/half sarcastic? And why do things have to be done to death, and then pursued into the depths of hell?

Who else is sick of hearing celebrities complain about "the paparazzi"? After three years of Cameron Diaz bitching about it I am now rooting for them.

Regis Philbin: You can't sing.

Jamie Oliver: Dude, your tongue is swollen or something. What the fuck is going on with that?

Bill O'Reilly: It freaks me out to think that sometime post Sept 11th I found myself really liking you. You and Rummy. That tells me something about the frame of mind of the people who think you make sense.

Too...
cranky...
to...
continue

Bad Idea Redux

I have joined yet another book club. I belonged to one a while ago and quit, for some very good reason that I forgot and now suddenly someone asks me to join one and I am all "Oh book club! Great idea! Yes! I am in!" like a dork.

The book choices are lame (like Danielle Steele novel-lame) unless they are my books which I know are not lame because I have already read them. So the only non-lame books in the club are books I have read. Now I will have to force myself to read these ridiculous waste of time books so I can have something to say about the attractive female executive who fights the glass ceiling by sleeping with her boss.

SHATNER VOICE: Why-do-I-do-this-to-myself? Is there no way I can blame my husband for this? No way at all?

Mayonnaise

What is up with the people who don't like mayonnaise? (As I type this I know some of you American readers are pronouncing it man-aise, which is to my Canadian ear terribly exotic sounding. In Canada, we pronounce it mayonnaise, and now you probably just did it again...anyway...).

Why is it that people who do not like mayonnaise dislike it so intensely? Their dislike is so intense it seems to be expressed in degrees of revulsion. They are all "UUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHH Mayonnaise!!". While you sit there with your tuna salad sandwich suddenly feeling like you're eating the contents of a military hazing bucket. It's eggs and oil, peeps. Egg yolks and oil. I think there's a psychological component at play in the mayo hating and I will leave it at that.

Personally, I do not like the taste of cilantro; I find it tastes a lot like soap, which if any food should rate on a revulsion scale it is something that tastes like something that is, well, inedible. But au contraire, cilanto dislikers just say "I don't like cilantro." We don't make Mr. Fresh Salsa consumer feel like he is drinking someone else's vomit by indulging in it.

The Horror, The Horror (and I do not mean the existential horror of man's existance

I am going state right up front that I am not crazy about using other people's bathrooms and even less crazy about people using mine. Someone pops into the bathroom and if I am not hearing the sounds of handwashing within about 30 seconds, I start to get nervous.

So, last week a visitor to my bathroom actually clogged it up, Al Bundy-style. And if that's not horrifying enough for someone like me, actually waited until the water tank had refilled itself and then, when the water level was at its absolute maximum height, flushed again (!) so that water et al began pouring out onto my bathroom floor, down the heating duct and out into the carpet in the hall. The old ball 'n' chain actually had to get out the carpet cleaner to suck the water out of the heating duct. Incidentally, I have a new name for the carpet cleaner now and that's the "no fucking way will I ever use that machine again" machine.

You haven't really lived until you spend your afternoon, running out of "rag" towels and having to revert to using your actual family bath towels (gah!) to clean up someone's overflow. As these situations tend to go, this one just kept getting better with caulking around the floor moulding disintegrating, linoleum bubbling up and water (ahem) stains being left on the ceiling in the garage. Witnessing this damage the person (who, by the way is notoriously cheap) then says, "Oh well, that's what insurance is for!"

I tell this story and my father-in-law tells me that he saw a news report that said the toilet bowl is far cleaner than the kitchen sink. Dudes, I do not know what you are putting in your kitchen sinks, but I can maybe make a few suggestions about what not to put in there, if you need some.

Moral of the story: Please don't ever use my bathroom.

wtf?

In reading these comments it is so encouraging to me to see that I am finally recognized for my contribution to the fields debt consolidation, portable air conditioning and perhaps most significantly, my huge contribution to the field of driveway alarm systems.

I cannot tell you how tirelessly I have worked to bring you, Dear Reader, the most up-to-the-minute information in these important fields. Finally someone, (Bless you chimes&alarms) has taken the time to recognize it.

The Thin Edge of the Wedge

If there is one thing I cannot abide it is intolerance. In any form. I am intolerant of intolerance.

And you people who are lactose intolerant are not excluded. Substitue the word Japanese for lactose and the problem becomes clear. "But Subbie," you may say, "that's different. One is bigotry and the other is simply a description of a physical condition."

Oh, that's what you'd like us to think, isn't it?

Some thoughts for the cast of Big Brother 6

For Kaysar:

Dude, you're not Lex Luther. Please stop talking about "your plan".

For Sarah:

Your boyfriend seems a little devious, plus you look so much like Posh Spice!

Maggie:

While loyalty is a trait I personally admire, you seem to be taking it to a weird level. Please see Kaysar's remark re Lex Luthor and remember it's a game for money not a battle of good vs. evil.

Janelle:

Breaking up with your boyfriend from the Diary Room of BB6 was one of the creepiest things I have ever seen on tv.

Howie:

"Boobies" is a word best left for eleven year old boys. Even then it's borderline.

Ivette:

You're some kind of crazy genius inventor! The coaster game! The ghetto slide! Bread pudding! Checkers!

No One Likes an Enabler

I can understand wanting to know how many unique hits one's Blog gets. I can understand having an interest in where those visitors are coming from, who is referring them, and even, albeit marginally, at what time they are visiting. What I cannot understand is the need to know the other stuff. I am trying desperately to see some way that the other stats might be relevant to my life...

Me, picking up phone to call friend. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep (that's me dialing)

Friend: Hello

Me: OH. MY. GOD.

Her: What!?

Me: OMIGOD!

Her: Whaaaat!?

Me: You are not going to believe who has JavaScript enabled!

Or, you think you know a person, then you find out that he has his screen resolution set at 800x600. And you're forced to get all "I don't even know who you are anymore!" on his ass.

And do not even get me started on the people who are using proxy. Do they not have any standards at all!?

How about, "You know I have to be honest, I wasn't sure about you at first, when we first met. I was concerned that maybe our values were too different to really establish a firm friendship. Then I saw you were using Mozilla, and well, that changed everything!"

I am going to assume that this is like Physics; I just don't even know how much I don't know. And I will leave it at that.

Unless you are one of those mofos who enable cookies, in which case, I don't even want to know you.

I Love The Brits!

I can't even try to be funny today.

I have been thinking so much lately about the bombings in London. I so admired the British "FUCK YOU." response to the tube bombings. The "You will not win."

I loved it and I still do. The British people rock.

Then I found out that the bombers were second or third generation British citizens. Betrayal makes it even worse.

The bombers' victims were the people who go to work every day to make the money to pay the taxes that paid for the education and the health care and the protection and the social safety net that the bombers and their families benefitted from every day of their lives. Salt in the wound.

I'll say this, too. I haven't heard a whole lot of "British people we stand behind you" support, and that almost bugs me more. So, for the record, British people, we stand behind you! And we should all look to you for how to behave when evil people do horrible things.

Camping

This morning I got up early and did the thing everyone does just a day before a camping trip: come on, yell out the answer if you know it! You've been camping, right? Yes! exactly, I went shopping for new bras. I tried on over 20,000 and bought two. Camping strength.

Then I stopped by the patio furniture section of the department store. They had an outdoor room set up with a comfy, cushioned furniture, a coffee and end table set, a bar, a portable air conditioner and a patio heater. There was an electrical generation station of some kind so one could plug in a television. And some smart dinnerware. And this was all enclosed inside one of those screen rooms, which had a zippered door and some hilarious employee had added a battery operated door bell to the outside. I sat at the bar and ordered a Mai Tai. Which, apparently, they didn't have.

I thought to myself what these people really want is a basement. I mean truly, like aren't there some sort of essential requirements that make one's stay outdoors actually be outdoors. How about "no doors" for one.

I'm a stickler!

Punctuating on the Internet

Five question marks after a question:

One question mark -- perfectly clear!

Two? Maybe a tremor.

Five? As near as I can tell, five is meant to convey incredulity.

Like this: Did someone actually teach you to punctuate the English language that way?????

Or is that something you came up with that on your own?????

For Hyper Sensitives Everywhere...

It has finally happened to me.

The thing I have waited for, since childhood, has finally arrived.

No, I am not talking about the Secret Agent beebee gun I send a dollar twenty five for to an address in the back of an Archie comic book in 7th grade. That has still not arrived.

But something far more wonderful has.

No, not my period. (That gift of womanhood was highly overrated by the way.)

I have finally reached the stage of my life that has been promised by many women, mainly Oprah, but she's every woman, or used to be until she turned in Oprah Van Houten, anyway.

It's here. I have come to that wonderful phase of my life where I no longer care what people think of me or my choices.

Sensitivity can be a very good thing; it makes you kinder, more compassionate, more considerate of other people's feelings. It alters your behaviour, for the better because it's unbearable to feel the guilt of having hurt someone, or the shame of not helping when you were able. But sensitivity has a price. It makes you sticky. Every little unkind word, every injustice, every sad story sticks. And it's hard to live like that. Ad no matter how hard you try, you just cannot brush it off. You can say you don't care, but you do. You can try to forget, but you can't. You can even decide not to be affected, and you will be. Because even that decision will have its own cost. And really, who wants to be an asshokle anyway.

What I chose to do was just live with it. I finally accepted that I was a sensitive person, and stopped apologizing for it. I stopped getting so angry at myself for letting things affect me, and simply accepted that they do. Instead of being angry with myself for being too sensitive, I decided to see it as a good thing.

And then a miracle! By age or by choice or by Divinity, I know not which, the dream of the sensitive person everywhere materialized in my life: it occurred to me that I don't care, not in a self-esteem affecting way anyway, what people think of me anymore.

But, and this is the miracle part, I can feel this way while still caring about other things. I get to keep the good parts of sensitivity without all the bad.

I wish the same for you.

Americans, We Need to Talk

I am just going to come out and say this directly because there really is no other way: your iced tea sucks. It's basically cold tea and ice.

For the love of God people, what part of "iced" and "tea" do you not get? (The the sickly sweet, high viscosity, artificial lemon flavour, with zero percent tea content, like we drink it in Canada, is implied.)

I saw..

Mr. Street Cred, Carson Daly on tv the other day. He's so diminutive and he's lost so much weight that he is like a leprechan now!

I'm telling you it's hard to keep the hate going.

Cats Vs. Other Things As Pets

Cats are independent!

Hobos are also independent. They ride the rails all day; and they pack their own lunch in a bandana and then tie it to a stick. I have never seen a cat do that.

Cats are really clean!

So is my mother-in-law but I haven't seen any of you attempting to take her as a pet.
And, let's be honest -- this is a very liberal interpretation of the word "clean". Cats lick their little paws and then wipe their fur with their cat spit.

Oh, but cats poop in a box! (like that's a good thing!)

And that brings us right back to hobos.

Cats are self-reliant! They aren't all slobbery-loving-all-over-you like dogs, rather they are only sweet to you when they want something.

Is this really so special, do none of you have husbands?

So far, I remain unconvinced.

Some tips for those courting fame

Tip number one: Take it from the celebs, fame is hard! And someone should warn you. So I am doing it.

If you get famous, here's what might happen:

(Please note: If you get to the level of superstardom, where you're making $20 million dollars or so per movie, or your albums are selling millions of copies, then the likelihood that these things will happen to you increases exponentially.)

Photographers will probably hound you and take pictures of you in your fat pants, wearing no make up (maybe even no fat pants -- meow!) and with you hair looking bad.
A big old box of Krispy Kremes tucked under your arm. On your way to drug rehab. If you get arrested, they will show pictures of you in handcuffs. And your unflattering mug shot will be everywhere.

They will pay more for pictures of your cellulite, or any tummy fat hanging over the top of your $4,000 bikini bottoms. They will actually want pictures of you when you are drunk and in your red-nosed, slobbery faced, "let-me-tell-you-another-thing" glory.

Comedians will make jokes at your expense. And comedians are usually relentless and sometimes mean.

They will take pictures of your kids. Even though your kids didn't ask for this life!

People like Diane Sawyer will ask you very personal questions like "Why did your marriage end?" on national television. (Even on local telly that would be uncomfortable!) And you'll have to be all indignant about it. The audacity!

And they WILL take pictures of your kids.

You might, like many have, attempt to hold others responsible for your predicament by blaming the people who buy the magazines that publish these photos. But Enquirer buyer, Mrs. Josephine AdminiClerk, has enough crap to deal with, what with working full time and cleaning her own house, cooking her own meals, and taking care of her own kids, and she doesn't really have time to worry about you. And even your best celebrity shaming techniques aren't going to work on everyone.

Everyone's job has some component that is not enjoyable; that is why people get paid to do it. The photographer probably hates the waiting 15 hours in the bushes to get a pic of a famous person part of his job, but he does it to get paid.

So please consider yourself warned. I don't want to hear you complaining about this stuff from your compound in 10 years. I don't want to hear "I didn't sign up for this!" because you know, what? You kinda did.

Umm

There was another plane scare the other day; something about an errant hijack code. So the plane was diverted to Canada.

So, if I am following this, the policy seems to be if there might be a bomb aboard a plane that is destined for the USA, send it to Canada!

As a Canadian, I have to tell you, I am not really crazy about this policy.

Would You Marry Yourself?

I am reluctant to write this post because it involves admitting that I sometimes, I said SOMETIMES watch "The View". But, since I am a humanitarian all the way through to the bone (haha I said bone), I am going to admit that I watched it today. And one of today's "Hot Topics" was about some attention seeking wanker who has alerted the press that he intends to marry himself. The fact that the press found that sufficiently newsworthy is probably the real "hot topic", but I digress.

So "the ladies" asked each other: "Would you marry yourself?"

I don't remember what any of them said. (Except for bizarre Meredith)

Then I thought about it for me.

My answer?

No.

Frankly, I think I could do a lot better.

Things I'd Do if I Were a Feller

1. I'd write my name in the snow. But I wouldn't stop there. I'd also write my name on the side of my old high school, and maybe, if I could track him down on a certain former boyfriend's car. And my local Starbucks. Then probably on some sort of prison document because with all that public urination that is where I would be going. Bummer!

2. I'd grow a moustache because a) I could and b) because no one is wearing them these days and I like to be different.

3. At children's soocer games I'd announce my presence with a loud "Hellllllo Ladies!"

4. I'd shop at Mr. Big 'N' Tall because even if I weren't, it seems manly.

5. I'd adress my male friends as "bitches" because it's what all the kids are doing, and if you do that as a woman, it is always followed by a very uncomfortable silence.

Everything that is wrong with the internet

Overwhelming Searches: Type nearly anything into Google and you will get a search result of over a million hits. Well newsflash, Al Gore, I am a stay at home mom. I do not have time to follow more than 500,000 of those links before I have to haul my ass of the computer to watch Oprah. Or shop for a zippered fleece vest and another pair of high waisted Calvins at Costco. Or call up my friend and ask what she thinks of Michael Douglas's face lift. The point is, I'm busy.

Blogrolls: After countless hours of surfing the internet you happen, as if some miracle, upon a blog that is not only well written, but hip, and funny! And oh how you laugh. Ah haha! You then notice that this clever, charming, witty one-in-a-million has some links. You think, well, this has got to be some good linking because this person knows funny! So you click on one of their "must reads" or "Super faves" or whatever it is they call them, and find that hmmm, it's not so funny. Not to worry you think, try another. Same problem. Then it hits you: cliques! The blogroll is a tool for internet-style nepotism, and yet another way Al Gore has devised to waste my time.

Snarky or Let-Me-Tell-You-How-It-Really-Is comments from people who are not really in a position to tell me anything except maybe How to be a better asshole: I have had a number of those and I just keep them there. Let your assholism ring I say. I don't know how other people handle them, but they annoy me when I see them on others blogs, too. Nasty commenter and/or pedantic commenter, you're bringing down the room.

For the Love of God, People, It's

LIE down.

Please stop saying "I am going to lay down".

It's lie down, mofo. Lie.

Let's...

change the name "blogosphere" to "margaritaville". It just sounds way more fun!

Nosy parker: "Where were you for the last three hours?"

You: Margaritaville!

Then you can change your name to Chad and start giving people high fives and making that shooting gun move people do with their hand because you're a dude who hangs out in margaritaville and no one would expect anything less from you.

How To Tell If You Are Really Crazy

As I roam the vast halls of the internet, I come across many sites where people identify themselves as "crazy". I believe this to be a misnomer, and suggest that instead of being "crazy" what those people are is either a) "zany" b) "kooky" or c) "whacky".

But, in case you are still wondering, here is my definitive checklist for craziness.

Does the communication in your romantic relationships fall solely into the category of "telepathic"? (Not unlike my love affair with Johnny Depp who sends me life telepathic affirming messages like "You rock" "You are an excellent driver" "Your ass looks totally excellent in those pants").

Do you think that, and I am not committing you to anything here, but, do you think that there's a really good chance that you are the next messiah?

Do you have more than 21 cats?

How about zany hats? Do you wear a lot of those? (Bonus point if your hat serves a dual purpose like being super fetching and also filters out any kind of harmful rays or if the hat is made from an aluminum pie plate).

In enclosed areas, do people stand as far away from you as possible? (But that could also be B.O.)

Do you mumble angrily to yourself and then stare intensely at people nearby? (Deduct one point if you are the computer dude at your place of work)

Man, the internet is really pissing me off today.

No, it's not just the internet, it's the Blogosphere. First, I hate that I had to type that word, because frankly I didn't think I could hate a word more than "'blog" but lo and behold, turns out I can, and that word is "blogosphere".

But anyway, here's what's bugging me right now. Links. You heard me! I have to read three goddam sentences of some description of something and then I have to click a link to go elsewhere! You gotta make me work for it, don't you, you bastard? It leaves me bitter and resentful.

Some people set their introductions up as "teasers". Like "OH, this is so interesting! You HAVE GOT TO SEE IT TO BELIEVE IT!!!" Dot, dot, dot hypertext!Frankly, the three exclamation points should probably tip me off, but I am an imperfect woman. Nine times out of 10 it's a picture of a cat wearing a hat or smoking a cigar or something else that I am not interested in seeing.

You know who I like? The people who post the pictures right up front on the main page, on the blog. And of course I am not interested in seeing them either, but at least I didn't have to do anything.

Picture posters, here's what I want to see:

1. Bigfoot
2. Johnny Depp

English People*, We Need To Talk

That is, if anyone of us can understand what the hell it is you are trying to say!

Yesterday I was enjoying a leisurely scroll (my God, where else are you going to get a quality pun like that one. Not since The Family Circle!) through the Blogosphere (normally wouldn't use that word but need it to keep the dazzling metaphor going) when I happened across a weblog called Whateva Sista that illustates my point about the British vocabulary exceptionally well. You should go check it out.

The whole language is practically porn.

1. "Feeling a bit peckish". Sounds dirty

2. "Toad in the Hole". Sounds really dirty and not particularly flattering to either the toad or the hole.

3. "Popped in". Again, dirty sounding.

4. "Sausage roll". As a noun, unappealing. As a verb, dirty!

Let's get it together, Brits!

* Suddenly angry English people who feel like commenting about what an idiot I am and how much I hate English people, let me tell you this. Of course I hate English people, but that is only because of Hugh Grant; and I already know I am an idiot because I have the English 121 paper about Conrad's "Heart of Darkness" in which I refer altogether too much to the "existential horror of man's existence" to prove it. So don't be thinking you're telling me something I don't know. And if you're still tempted to email me, I'm just kidding. Honest. But not about Hugh Grant.

Yes, I Watched the Academy Awards

and that is three hours of my life I will never get back.

A couple of things I learned:

Sean Penn not only has no sense of humour, he is also a world leader is the ancient art of Buzzkill. I am pretty sure he stole that title from my elementary school librarian who had a one-two-three punch that would instantly and simultaeously shut you up-make you feel guilty-bring down the room. KAPOW! Sean Penn, you make Mrs. Olmsteader proud.

Seeing the "lesser" awards being handed out made me realize that somewhere in the world people are still doing that cruel thing to fat kids in gym class, where they have to stand up in a line and wait to be chosen, only to discover they never will be. But now they do that in front of a billion people!

Beyonce is the now only singer left in the whole world, oh except for that other singer, (!?!) Antonio Banderas.

Hillary Swank is married to Chad Lowe!

Words I Have Never Really Been Comfortable With

1. Boogie

2. Lover

3. Whimsical

4. Ponderings

5. "Mr. D.J."

Bad Decisions I Have Made and the Reasoning Behind Them

1. In High School I refused to take typing because I "didn't want to be a secretary". What I failed to see in all my 15 year old wisdom was that it's not just secretaries who type.

2. I took a specialized archaeolgy course in Human Osteology because I thought it "sounded neat". By the time I discovered it was more "really hard" than neat, it was too late to withdraw.

3. Bought Beanie Babies as "an investment".

4. Made friends with the weirdo girl no one wanted to be friends with because I felt sorry for her. Turns out there were reasons no one wanted to befriend her.

Hey Blogger by Google, Want Some Tips For Improving Your Service? Well, Here You Go

1. Find a way to get my computer to dispense soft drinks. That way, instead of cursing your asses when my blog takes 20 minutes to load, I will just sit back and sip a soda. Win-win!

2. Modify your search engine so it can find my keys. That one's just for the people.

3. Make a Google Time Machine. And when you do, man am I going to use that. (First stop, go back to the 80s and stop myself from trying to sign up for the Robbie Neville fan club, like a dork!)

I await my thank you note.

Delicious and Suspicious

I do not like sushi, largely because of its unpleasant taste, and also because in some ways it makes me think of "The Emporer's New Clothes". And the people I know who say they love sushi, always say it like this : "I loooooooooooooove sushi!"

And I say, "the rice, with the seaweed and the raw fish?"

And they usually add something like "Well, there's also cucumber!" They seem defensive about it, which adds to my theory that people only pretend to like it.

Then I weigh that theory against the fact that it is the number one snack food in Japan, and that it seems unlikely that the entire population of Japan, who to the best of my knowledge I have not met, not to mention hundreds of thousands of people all over the world are only eating it to prove me wrong.

But you never know.

Scrappy!

I love the Simpsons, but that Poochie episode, come on! Despite what The Man (yes Simpsons writers, that is what you have become!) tries to make you think, Scrappy Doo was a cute, no, super cute puppy, who wise cracked! What's not to like: a puppy, plus a wise ass, it's an unbeatable combination! Why can't the haters see that?

Here is something that has been bothering me for a long time

Why was my girlhood idol, Veronica Lodge, so totally obsessed with Archie Andrews, when Reggie was right there in front of her? WHY!? Reggie was way better looking, plus he has that cool sports car, and Archie was driving around in a jalopy for God's sake! Archie was also two-timing her with that insipid Betty Cooper. Betty Cooper! Really, the idea is preposterous. Uh, did Betty Cooper's parents have a pool? No, they did not.

It just blows all the Archie Comics credibility.

Assessing Famous People's Suitability for Potential Matrimony

John Travolta:

Tends towards the chubby side, sure, but that tells me he is always going to be up for ordering a pizza late at night. Extremely convenient for air travel. Not going to embarass you with the "dance moves" at your cousin's wedding (not mentioning any names but looking casually, but decidedly at my present husband). Overall rating: B

Brad Pitt:

Duh! He's Brad Pitt. On the negative, his fondness for architecture and design could lead to too many annoying home renovations. Extremely unlikely to order a pizza late at night. Overall: B+

Tom Cruise:

Also a looker and a humanitarian! Could be tiresome with the Scientology tips. May get lots of phone calls from Rosie O'Donnell. Excellent driver. Overall: A-

Michael Moore:

Would probably know his way around a kitchen and likely has a good repertoire of easy-to-make snacks. Constant bitching about politics could bring a sister down. Overall: C

Sigfried:

Loves cats. Very fancy dresser. Matrimony may come with built-in job as magician's assistant. Could be on the rebound from long term relationship. With no known last name, may have to refer to oneself as "Mrs. Sigfried". Overall C-

George Cloony:

Purported laugh-a-minute prankster. Animal lover. Boyish grin. Accustomed to bachelor lifestyle so could have lots of parties with the Ocean's Eleven gang, leaving den frequently covered in potato chip crumbs, and he is probably not much of a vacuumer. Overall B-


Interactive Section!

I got an email from a very nice lady who wondered why I had not mentioned Prince Harry, or as she put it P. Hizzo, which cracked me up. So without further ado,

Prince Harry:

On the plus: Lots of youthful vitality, opportunities to attend many charity balls, marriage would come with title other than "Miss Thang" (or less polite variants). On the negative: seems to find the evil Third Reich "kooky". Extremely poor judgment. Overall: F

I am so ashamed

I would like to apologize to the Starbucks employee who had the bad luck to get me for a customer this morning. When I said "May I have a non fat latte, please", I wasn't even thinking about how taxing it is to be an urban hipster at a suburban Starbucks. So I totally understand why you had to glare at me like that. Then, when I added "Grande please", I wasn't even thinking about how already occupied your mind is with thoughts of, well, contempt for one, but also your own goatee and piercing management, or the beat poetry you may have been writing in your head at the time. My behaviour was simply beyond the pale when I added, "Not too much foam please", so mea culpa, and I see now why you had no choice but to sigh heavily when I presented you with my Starbucks card. How thoughtless was I to even buy one of those!

By that time I wasn't even thinking about you at all; I was just so obsessed with the idea that you may get some of your existential angst on my sweater (which, in my own defense, is a real bitch to get out of cashmere).

So, Mr. Barista, I am sorry. The next time I go into your store, I will not be so worried about getting myself a cup of coffee, and instead, I will, you know, show a little respect for the guy who has to interact with moms in velour track suits all day.

Dear Pepperidge Farms,

Now that Tucker Carlson is no longer with Crossfire, I think he'd be great in one of your commercials.

He already has the bowtie.

And he could give the old commercials a bit of that Carlson fire. Like say one guy picks the Milano and Tucker would get all "ARE YOU TOTALLY STUPID!? THE SAUSALITO IS BY FAR THE BEST, AND IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A STUPID, STUPID LIBERAL YOU WOULD KNOW BETTER. SHAME ON YOU, STUPID LIBERAL!. AND THOSE PANTS MAKE YOUR ASS LOOK FAT".

I could really see that.

Brad 'n' Jen

I read the news story, thought to myself, "That's too bad" in the sense that I don't wish bad things for anyone, well, except for maybe an old boyfriend from years ago, but that's a side issue; and I was fully prepared, prepared-a-mundo, to just let it drop until I came across the section of the announcement that said "for people who follow these things". That's what set me off. For people who follow these things? Do you, Mr Brad Pitt's publicist, mean the people for whose benefit you send your carefully crafted press releases? The people who make it possible for you to have a job? The people who buy the movie tickets so Brad Pitt can make 20 million dollars a pic? Do you mean, us, the Great Unwashed Public? Is that to whom you are referring?

I am trying really hard not to dislike celebrities, man. But they are making it really, really hard.

Sometimes 30 seconds feels like a long time.

You "blogexploders" know what I'm talking about.

Sometimes I am at a blog, that I am, let's just say, not really enjoying, and I think to myself, "Damn it, Suburby, just click away, forfeit the half a point!"

But then shaking my fist in the air, I think, "I cannot-- for I have already invested 14 seconds in it!"

Time, thou art a cruel master.

Blog Reading Advice

I would recommend avoiding all weblogs with the following attributes:

1. Excessive use of the exclamation point in the title e.g. "I love my cat!!!"

2. Any zany use of the up and down caps e.g. mY cRaZy FuCkEd uP lIfE.

3. Any use of the word "Rocks" or "RAWKS" in the title.

In the spirit of the season, I would like to extend an apology

Look, on behalf of Canadians everywhere, I am sorry about Celine Dion.

Now, quid pro quo, I would like an apology for Kenny G.

I'm waiting.

It's the end of the year...

and I think it's time some of you people just stopped what you are doing for one second and asked yourself "What have I done to help a celebrity this year?" You heard me! Do you people even realize what these celebrities, these very, very special people do for you? Well let me tell you! Some of them sometimes work for scale, and when they do, oh man, that is a big goddam deal because sure scale for a movie may still be a lot more than a shlub like you makes for a whole year of work, but these people are so much better than you. And why do they do this? They do it for art, for the art of the low budget feature film. So people like you, goddam ingrates, can revel in their shiny glory.

Do you think it is easy being a celebrity? Well do you!? It is not, I can assure you. They have photographers following them around. I know how annoying that is from when my husband videotapes our son's birthday parties. It's very, very annoying. And their bodyguards can only do so much you know! They cannot stay in their armoured limosines and behind the gates of their enormous mansions forever. God, you people are so thoughtless!

So maybe this year while you are so busy thinking about yourself and your petty concerns, you can take a moment to think about how your actions affect the very people who matter more than anyone else.

Gifty TV Shows

I feel the need to say something about this. About these tv shows which consist largely (or even solely!) of people in the audience receiving gifts from the show host (although come on, who are you trying to kid that the gifts are from the host).

The shows typically go something like this:

1. Host makes major SURPRISE ANNOUNCEMENT that this is a gifting show!

2. Camera pans to near hysterical audience, clapping, laughing, just freaking out.

3. Host brings out gift with much fanfare, say a Sony cd player.

4. Camera pans to audience going ape shit about the prospect of owning a Sony portable cd player. We usually get about 20 seconds of straight audience screaming. Pan to this lady screaming; now quick, over to that lady screaming and clapping; whoosh, this lady is almost crying; 5 full seconds on the hot chick clapping her hands, etc.

5. This goes on all through the show with the audience getting progressively more hysterical with each new gift; and the camera man spending increasingly longer looking at the audience members scream about getting a free Sonicare.

I have run this through the old analyzer and as near as I can tell these shows are some kind of advertising pornography. How else could these shows even come into existance? Who in their right mind would think that people sitting at home would enjoy watching complete strangers get a bunch of presents that the viewer is never going to get except for someone who is masturbating to the idea of market share and ratings.

Here's a newsflash industry wanker--I don't give a shit about that lady from Minnesota who is getting a free microwave. It does not entertain me to watch it. If anything, it pisses me off a little. Gimme my goddam Sonicare toothbrush, asshole!

Hugh Grant

Hugh Grant has made me hate English people. The accent; that fucking super annoying and transparently fake "self-depricating" sense of humour. And the way he's always touching his hair. Dude. Please. The whole package is just awful. And, as it turns out, my irritation is so intense that it has now spread to all of his tribe.

I also dislike the gay version of Hugh Grant: Rupert Everett.

The Rebel Billionaire

OH MY GOD is there an idea anywhere in entertainment more detestable than this show? Incidentally I saw "the Rebel Billionaire" himself on the Daily Show, and Jon Stewart had a great idea for a reality tv show: put up a prize for people to come up with some form of energy that's not dependent on fossil fuels. Richard Branson first treated it as a joke and then got all fraidy cat and seriously freaked out about the idea of Jon Stewart suggesting he put up some money. He's really the rebel cheapskate.

I just did not cotton to him!

A word about most 'blogs

crap!

Over 98% of the blogs out there are unreadable. Either because they are so badly written, or because they are written in Spanish, or sometimes French. I have seen a couple in Arabic, too, and when I come across one I always wonder how it would look if my computer's hard drive was confiscated by the CIA the next day.

I'd be all, "No, I just stumbled across it. I clicked the "next Blog" button, that is all! Really!"

Yeah, so most blogs are crap, or they are trouble.

But sometimes you come across a good one. (Twirling hair and looking around, coyly)

Is there such a thing

as an intellectual Republican? And, if so, how does s/he reconcile George Bush as leader? I would love to know if anyone out there could answer me. Thank you.

Dear George Bush, Mr. NAFTA Favouring Mexico Over Canada

Oh sure, when it's party time, you are all Wooohooo Vincente Fox, let's par-tay; and wooo let's head down to Cabo.

And now it's flu season, so why don't you ask your fancy Mexican friends for some goddam flu vaccine.

One thing a country hates is when you only have time for it when you need its prescription medications.

The thing that really gets me though is Bush's excuse-making about why he won't allow wholesale importation of Canadian drugs. He implies it's because he is unsure of the safety of the drugs(we notice though, mofy, that you come straight here when you need a vaccine). And the funny part is is that in most cases the so called Canadian drugs are actually American manufactured drugs, from American pharmaceutical giants. Either he is an idiot, or the people who vote for him are. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Do you not get enough to eat? Are you short on some vital brain nutrient maybe, because something is not adding up.

About that whole Jon Stewart/Tucker Carlson hubub...

I would simply like to say, Jon Stewart, I love you.

Dear American Voter

Let's just take a second to think back about four years ago, to the last presidential election, a time when Al Gore was narrowly defeated. You had the chance back then to elect, as your president, the inventor of the internet, but you turned it down.

Who knows what the world would be like today if the election had gone a little differently. What else, as President, would Al Gore have invented?

I think there is a good chance that if you had elected Al Gore, you'd be going to work in flying cars today, and more than likely your tedious household chores (you know the ones I am talkin' about, ladies!) would be dutifully carried out by your new robot maid. Inclement weather getting you down? Not likely with the gigantic weather dome Al Gore invented to put over top of cities so it's always a comfy 72 degrees. The magic diet pill; the super sonic jets that only take 10 minutes to fly across the country; the new improved extra tasty tomato. I could go on and on.

Pyramid Schemes

People complain about pyramid schemes all the time, don't they? Some make money; others lose. C'est la vie! But there is one very important fact that everyone (except me) misses. What is it? My God, people, it's like watching the Sixth Sense -- think about it. Something just doesn't add up...but what...what...whaaaaat?

I am about to rock your world, baby, so hang on...


The thing everyone is missing is this...

they have never, not even one time, never! given away a pyramid.
Yet dreamers keep on getting involved in the schemes.

Now, I know some of you are going to get all defensive and start saying things like "but I don't even want a pyramid" Whatever. The point is, a pyramid is probably pretty valuable. You could probably sell it to a museum or art gallery or something of that nature. PLUS, it's land people, and real estate always goes up.

Look, do what you want, but if you are going to insist on being involved in pyramid schemes, one of you somewhere should put your foot down and demand to at least see the pyramid before you begin. That is all I am saying.

God speed

Big Brother

So far, my fave part on the Big brother was whan Jase, terribly, terribly upset about (I think) Holly's eviction. (Whatever, he was really seriously upset about something. ... Don't look at me like that, motherfucker...it was something he was seriously upset about; I just forget exactly what).

And Scott, his "brother" was comforting him, in his testosterone enriched way, which consisted of saying something like "yeah, man, fuck them", and in the middle of the comforting, jase looks at Scott, who is holding something and says..."Is that a crimper!?"

Who could even write something that good?

I effin' love that show.

Katie Couric Interviews OJ

I noticed, as Katie was sending us away to commercial breaks, that she sort of gave a displeased semi-grimace to the camera, as if to say, Hey, I may be interviewing OJ simpson, but I am not for double murder. Not in the least. (Serious semi-grimace)

Like, no big Today show "We'll be right back" for the Juice. Because dammit, Katie Couric wants you to know that she does not approve!

What I Hate About 'Blogs

1. The name 'Blog. Gah! If you even have to ask why you are at the wrong weblog. It's probably best for both of us if you leave now.

2. People whose weblog entries consist almost entirely of one word hyperlinks. Then you click on them to find a bunch of things that aren't really all that "weird" or "far out" or "strange underpants" or whatever the author thought was so "delish" they simply had to link us.

I say, an end to the one word "blog" (I was cringing just there) entry, please!

Carson Daly

He loves the ladies!

I wonder if he was disappointed to find that the name "The Daily Show" was taken. I also wonder if Carson hates the Daily Show because, like Vancouver, it is "too white".

Man, you know a white dude is street when he bitches about cities being "too white".

Dear Brad Pitt

Just saw a preview of Troy. Please, please do not do any more English accents. Thank you!

Carson Daly-As-Nemesis Update

Yes! He is still bugging me. He is so cool though hey, for a whitey.

The idiot.

The Historical Figure with Whom You Would Most Like to Have Dinner?

For me, right off the bat I am all "Wow, no question--Jesus". But then, if I take time to think about it, I realize it could actually be a very awkward dinner. Why? Well, for one, because I assume he'd be appearing in his own time, there'd be no way we would be able to share any pop culture references. I for example, could not really ask if he is at all bummed about "Friends" ending. So what I am saying is there's really no room for small talk, which as we all know is the social lubricant.

I am guessing there could be some uncomfortable silences at times.


Second, what if he started pouring wine, and i'd (if i were a 12 stepper) would have to be all, "No thanks, man, i don't drink". Are you telling me that would not be awkward!? Look, he's Jesus, so I know he wouldn't make a big deal out of it, but come on, it's always a bummer when one person is drinking and the other isn't.

I wonder what kind of dinner music he would put on. I would be so bummed out if it was Zamfir or Enya or something.

Why

does Carson Daly even have a tv show? My next door neighbour has dark hair and is short and kinda pudgy and likes to listen to rap. Can he get a show, too?

Carson Daly, be on notice...

you are my new nemesis.

Reason Number 1

I saw Carson Daly interviewing a rapper who is working in Vancouver. Carson Daly is all "hey man, I been to Vancouver and there ain't much to do there!" (Which, btw, is untrue, but anyway). And the rapper complains that it rains too much (which it does in the winter), and says how he gets sick of seeing the colour green. Then Mr. Ethnic, Carson Daly chimes in and says "you mean too much WHITE". The rapper fellow just kind of looks at him and nods, perhaps thinking to himself, Jesus, this guy is a suck up. So Whitey McWhitster, aka, Carson Daly thinks it's cool to make a racist remark, because it's against white people. I hate that.

Reason Number 2: Carson Daly, Ladies Man

This one is only puzzling to people who do not understand women. The reason Carson Daly, a slightly above average looking, but very short and embarassingly dorky when he tries to be "street" gets the women is because of this simple fact: women have been burned by good looking guys, who are taller, and far less gimpy than Carson , and look at Carson and think that because he is less attractive and shorter than the men they usually date that he will somehow be more grateful to date a "quality babe" and so will treat them better. This might be true in some cases, but Carson Daly is a celebrity so he thinks he is hot shit in his own right and doesn't realize that he is actually a form of the mercy date. This is why the shock, to the women, is doubly upsetting--why he got so horribly roasted by ex-girlfriends. They were thinking they were being kind to date him--he didn't understand that. To the women--this was adding insult to injury since they had already lowered thier standards by even dating him in the first place.

Moral of the story: Do not mercy date Carson Daly--he will not "treat you nicer" than the taller, better looking guys.

Man, when someone starts an email with...

"Thought you'd find this cute." It's a really safe bet that you won't.

Oh and P.S.

Would everyone just stop saying "meme"? Jesus.

Some Imaginary Reviews of "I Don't Have A Name Yet"

Rolling Stone calls it "Frank, irreverent, quite possibly he funniest thing ever written"

Maxim says "Those mother "effers" at Rolling Stone simply don't know--it *is* the funniest thing ever written

One more thing about Wonderland

John Mayer is all "If you have any big plans, break them". But hold on one sec. If it's my body that is the Wonderland, then what's he doing telling me to break MY big plans? Look man, if I am planning to go to Disneyworld all day I don't phone up the theme park and tell them to break their plans because I'ze coming over. Aight? Besides I am super busy anyway, between being the wonderland and Justin Timberlake wanting to rock my body. These celebrities, man, everything has to revolve around them!

I do not know why...

but that goddammed John Mayer Wonderland song overwhelms me with sadness.
I cannot listen to it, and I definitely can't watch the video, which makes me feel even worse.

I do not know why.

And so what are you going to do about it, motherfucker!?

That post--this one really is a perfect example of what is wrong with 'bloggin'. Because who really cares what some chick on the internet thinks about a g-dam song. And here I am, all busy writing about it, like it's super important that I get it down on paper so the people can read about it. Is it even possible to get one's head any further up one's ass than that?

But the truth is, that in a way it's a bit like this-- when I was a teenager I had a real super babe best friend. She was blonde, tall, very pretty, a model and plus she was a slutty dresser. That, my friends is an unbeatable combination. So there I was, truly a pretty girl in her own right, but totally overshadowed by superbabe in a bustier and a mini skirt. Next to her I could have walked down the street lifting my sweater ovwer my head, baring breasts and no one would have even noticed me.

And that is how it is on the internet. Your little weblog--no one even notices.

Look I have my shirt over my head as I write.

NASA and Co.

Why, why, why does everyone feel they have to "reinvent the wheel"? Why!? Beacuse of human arrogance, is that why!? Or is it perhaps because of the cold war, with the Ruskies? I do not know, but I do know this--it is wasteful.

Case in point: I see NASA is planning some missions to Mars. And, in their plans I see they have all these new sketches for rocket ships that will carry them to outer space. Mainly they all look like the moon rocket, just turned on its side and with like a Star choice or Bell Expressvue direct tv satellite dish on the side. I would think the astronauts would have more to do than watch satellite tv while abord a space craft, but then I read the trip was like 4 months long so then I could understand it. Anyway, the rocket they show that they are going to build to take cosmonauts into outer space is, I feel, a flagrant waste of taxpayer money because the Enterprise a) already exists and b) can go super fast so I doubt it would take more than an hour or so to get to Mars at warp 7 or 8. (That right there would save at the very least the cost of the Direct tv satellite installation, which can run you into the hundreds). But, you know at NASA they are all "We're NASA, we have to do this ourselves, with our fancy science and engineering degrees, and our big, NASA budget, and so we can't just rely on Hollywood."

Or perhaps it is more a matter of it being one of those things that "they" don't want you to know about. Which, again, is so stupid because there are already like five or six Star Trek movies out, all featuring The Enterprise, and I think there's a tv show as well, with that time traveller fellow, Mr. Scotty Bacula, so I really don't see how they think they could keep it a secret. But this is so typical of the arrogance of NASA. Really, why don't they just change their name to BIGBABYA--it would be more fitting!

My Gym is So Loser

It's a Curves gym and the women there, some of them I swear are octogenarians. They are on those lil jog in place recovery stations (bewteen resistance machines) like they are the lady version of Tim Conway as old man.

So there I am, looking at this lady thinking, Jesus lady, the way you are working you'd get more exercise unloading your washing machine, and then I notice her step off the recovery station so she could assist her elderly mother. Now that is a loser gym. I mean you are there , "workin' out" with seniors, possibly some WWI vets, I do not know, but a couple opf them had that spunky Rudy from Survivor vibe going.

Still thinking of American Idol, and wondering

Did someone once say, perhaps someone with a lot of "cred" a stylist, or maybe Oprah's decorator, Mr. Nate Berkowitz, but anyway did someone say to Paula Abdul "Paula, you look so fabulous in fedoras! Especially when they are brightly colored and placed on your head, askew.

I do wonder because it seems odd that a person would wear so many hats. Unless she is recovering from some kind of head surgery. Then I could see it. Yah, anyway, that's all I got. Have a great day, people!

If Clay Aiken was invisible, he would just watch you in your room. Clay, couple of questions...

What exactly would you be watching? Would you be watching her undressing Clay? is that the truth? And would you be doing anything in particular while you were watching, since you were invisible and all?

Call me a fuddy duddy, but I just find that song creepy!

Jay Leno and George Clooney!

I love 'em, but side by side they are like two bobble head dolls, all a twitchin' and a head bouncin'. Think about it! It's the truth!

Suffering, shmuffering

I am watching tv right now, CNN as a matter of fact and Paula Zahn is asking this mountaineering accident survivor how he managed to endure the pain of his broken leg. And he is all, "hmm, I do not know. I do not know how I endured the pain!"

But the unasked question is what goddam choice did the guy have? There's really no big mystery about how he survived the pain--he simply didn't have a choice.

When I was a girl my mother died. It was horrific. In some ways, at some times, it still is. When I was younger, a teenager, and people would find out that my mom died, girls would invariably say "Oh, I couldn't stand that. I would die if anything happened to my mom"

I am sure that if the tables were turned that I would say the very same thing. I loved my mom as much as any little girl loves her mom, maybe more (I had a really great mom for the time I had her).

But my point is, I survived it. I did not die, and I survived it again, not because of the indominable human spirit, or because of "spunkiness", or some amazing will to live. I survived it simply because I didn't have a choice.

Stop asking that question--how did you survive it? it's nothing but a meaningless question, that demands a dishonest answer.

Mad Cow Disease

Look, why aren't these feed producers and cattle ranchers and whoever the fucking hell else thought it was a good idea to feed goddam ground up, inedible pig, sheep and fucking COW parts to COWS, brought up on criminal charges? We have known about mad cow disease for some time now--we've witnessed the effects of that CJ in British victims, we know and have known for a while that this kind of feed is (not only morally reprehensible and really, really creepy, but also) extremely dangerous.

I can appreciate the fucking greedy bastards fevered desire to make mo' money, mo' money, but for Christ's sake, this is beyond the pale. These people need to pay for being so reckless with other people's health, just so they can make a few extra bucks.

God, people depress me. They really do.

I finally saw that first Lord of the Rings movie...

and, um, I fell asleep. I started to lose interest after the narrator recited the 4th generation of goddam hobbits, like "and Jezabah behest foribund". I just have one question for you Lord of the Rings fans...WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE SMOKIN'? My neighbour lent me part two as well--and guess what...I am not going to watch it. This is heresy to you people I know, but seriously, I do not understand the appeal. I found the movie, that as I recall was hailed as one of the best movies of the year, like a sleep potion. Do people really find all that "The hobbits are not ordinarily as powerful as the goblins, unless a hobbit happens upon an enchanted amulet, (that he finds in the stump of a thousand year old tree) in which case it increases his powers by a factor or 4" interesting?. It's like sushi to me. The whole time I am seeing all these rave reviews and thinking, okay, let's give this a try, it's going to be so great, and then you do and you get all Nigel Tuffnel..."Is this a fucking joke?" Sushi does not taste good and for a long time I thought people were only pretending to like it, and now I feel the same about the Lord of the Rings.

Is it just me..

or does anyone else feel uneasy when they see that cRaZy uPpEr/lOweRcAsE type?

Does Michael Jackson's makeup artist hate him?

I think she must. Seriously. because he is a man who is so insulated and so naturally strange that he may think he looks fine with the eye liner and the brow shaping, oh and the red lipstick (no, on a man, that's not peculiar at all), but she is a professional make up artist and she knows better. Yet she keeps on painting him up like an aging casino cocktail waitress.

Seriously, I think she hates him.

Witches, wizards, warlocks, pagans...

all of you "mystical" people, please be quiet now. None of you ever shut up about your religion. Plus, you have too many little "faerie" statuettes hanging around your houses. You know you do.

80s Rock and Roll Moves

I just saw an old Tina Turner/Bryan Adams video. There was plenty of standing halfway across the stage pointing at each other. That was a big 80s thing that pointing. Rock and Roll!

Ok the Madonna and Britney Video

I just want to know what exactly is Madonna doing in it. I see a lot of sidling, and not much more.

I am starting to get the feeling that there's this prevalent but unspoken attitude of "she's Madonna and anything she does is fabulous!" and so she can do anything, even stupid stuff, and people think it's cool. Sidling. that's basically her whole part.

And Britney--notice how she goes in for the kiss and her mouth is already WAY open. Is that a little forward or is it just me? If you're going in for a big lesbian kiss in your first video featuring lesbianism, shouldn't you start a little slower, like with just a slightly open mouth? It's like she's at the dentist.

Turkey Bombings

Here's me this morning...

I flip on the tv

"Surf" on over to CNN

See Breaking News report that says "Turkey Bombings Likely Terrorism"

I immediately raise my fist to the air and think "THOSE BASTARDS! THOSE EVIL MASTERMIND TERRORISTS. DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!" because I was thinking, wow, those evil motherfuckers have figured out a way to infiltrate American homes now, and using an American symbol against them. The evil bastards are stuffing bombs inside turkeys.

That's what I though, but only for a second! Then I realized, ohhhhhhhhhh Turkey the country. Riiiiiight

Then I changed the channel.

Thank you, thank you very much

A Little Nerd To Call My Own

I wish I had a little nerd to call my own.
I'd ask him stuff about LINUX
And pretend to be interested as he rambles on and on about how much better it is than "windoze"

I could ask him stuff too about the parts I missed in The Matrix because i got up to go get a snack
Or he could explain the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy to me while he was fixing my hard drive

Then I'd make a few "hard drive" double entendre jokes, and toss in some "baud" one liners, you get my meaning, just to show him that I like his nerdly ways

At lunchtime I'd be all "hey, dude, want anything from Subway?" And he'd ask for his veggie delite on brown, because he's trying to "eat healthier".

Sometimes we'd talk about Star Trek and get into big fights about who the best captain was. I'd be all "KIRK!" and he'd be all "PICARD!" Then he'd get off on a tangent thinking about Deana Troi and things would start to get a little uncomfortable. So I would change the subject to chess or chaos theory and I'd pretend to be listening while I mentally compiled my grocery list.

I promise I would keep the house stocked with "KD" and Snapple, maybe Koala Springs and Nutella, if he is fancier than the other nerds. I don't care!

I do. I wish I had a nerd to call my own

I'd call him Ferdi

Just One Tiny Little Bone to Pick with the Great Ellen Degeneres

It's the dancing. I really like her; I think she's funny. I like the new show. She is really very funny with the guests. I like the DJ--he seems like a decent chap (winkety--because he's English). I even like Torsten or Toller Cranston or whatever the fellow's name is.

It's just the dancing. You know what--it's not even the dancing. Ellen Degeneres is an excellent dancer! Who could not like that. It's the fact that she does it every time. And it reminds me of how Merv Griffin used to make a big fuss about showing the lining of his jacket. There. I said it.

Canadian TV Sucks. Sorry, But It Does

Case in point:

"Sue Thomas: F.B Eye" - A show about hard of hearing FBI agent who uses lip reading to help solve cases. And she's a little "lip-bitey-nosescrunchy-uppy-thumbs-up-giving" to her subordinates for a job well done. The Sue Thomas, FB EYE or someone will crack a joke and everyone will laugh--and if there is a judge handy, well he;ll just throw away his gavel because the whole kit 'n' kaboodle are just a bunch of kooks! and he's all "If you can't beat 'em, join' em. ". It would be funny if it were an SCTV sketch.

And , "Blue Murder" . That one is a typical police drama, but I just think the name is so sad.

Canadian tv can be great i.e. Kids in the Hall, the great SCTV, Codco etc, but those shows are not trying to do some low budget Canadian accented version of American tv shows. And that is the problem with Canadian tv. They are such copiers

George and Tony's Very Special Relationship

I think of George Bush and Tony Blair as Identical
Cousins (yes! like that movie!), identical in every
way except one is American and one is English, and
they get together and plan to do things. In the movie
it was some girly plan to do some childish thing, and
in this case it's to wage wars, but still, there are
similarities.

I imagine them together in the U.N. cafeteria, and
say, George is sitting at a table and then he sees
Tony walk in, much to the chagrin of George's Secret
Service people, (George is such a kid at heart, and
the Secret Service worry that Tony is a bad influence
on George because George tends to act a bit sillier
when Tony is around, like he is showing off or
something. For a president, this can spell trouble.
Anyway...) George is immediately halfway out of his
seat yelling and waving "TONY! TONY! Over here! I
saved you a seat!" And Tony, he's British, so he's
playing it cool, but you can tell he's kind of proud
to be best friends with the leader of the free world.
So of course Tony goes right over, and as they are
eating lunch they are making faces about the crappy
food served in the U.N. cafeteria, Tony is all "Cous
cous!? More like Goose poop!" and George is laughing
so hard that he almost chokes, then the Secret Service
really shoots Tony a look. And Tony is respectful of
the role of the Secret Serviceman, but at the same
time he is a bit, Fuck you, man, (or maybe "bloke",
because he's English, but this is really a side issue)
I am the leader of a big country myself! You need to
give me my props, not be shooting me looks and shit. I
don't know exactly how he would word it, because he is
British and you can never really tell with those
people.

Then sometimes I wonder if Tony is just using George,
you know, for the good of his country, you know,
because the Brits man, they can be users. Maybe he is
all buddy-buddy with him just to try to help England
recoup some of its former glory. I worry about how
that would hurt George, because George would find out
and he'd be all "You used me!" And Tony would be all,
"I didn't mean to hurt you George, but I had to do it,
for the good of my country." And sure, George would
try to understand, because he is also the leader of a
country, so he truly "gets it", but still, it would
hurt him.

Loser!

I sent this piece (George and Tony) to McSweeney's. "Go ahead!" I said. "You can publish this on your website. For free! That is correct, sir, you do not have to pay me"

They declined.

I think it's funny though, so I am publishing it for you. Again, free of charge!

You know how everyone thinks they have a great novel in them?

I don't think that's right.

Elia Kazan: One "Effed-Up" Dude

People need to stop putting down Elia Kazan. Okay, maybe he sold out a few writers in the 50s, but in the 2000s he's given you a super cool way to get free music off the internet: kazaa. Which, by the way, I do not approve of. Getting stuff for free is just wrong! Just ask the celebrities. they never get anything for free, and if they are offered something for free they would turn it down, instantly! because they know free stuff is morally wrong.

I'm just kidding, but I do know someone who would make that kind of fucked up mistake based on some weird sound relationship in a name. And the celebrities, hypocritical motherfuckers! Okay, enough esplainin', who do I think I am? Lucy Ricardo!?

Where Are All the Fish People?

One thing I do not miss about working--the people who talk about their pets. Yes, of course it is always the cat people who start it. But then the dog owners, never to be outdone, start talking about something their dog did. But the problem with that is no matter how cute or charming the dog story, at some point your audience always thinks, man those people with dogs have to pick up their crap. The fish owners will maybe try to say something, especially if they have what is considered a "fun" aquatic animal, like an aquatic frog or a turtle, who, compared to the others can get up to some crazy antics, relatively speaking. But really, they don't really have much to contribute to the daily pet story time and most people just humor them (especially the very patronizing cat people). And everyone pretends to be so super interested, but they are just being polite. Frankly, no one really cares about your Himalayan short hair and the special way it has of coughing up a hairball.

Sorry people, I am just telling it like it is.

More proof about cats

Roy.

Can you think of a bigger ingrate species? Roy, maybe with the help of Siegfried or some personal animal trainers, single handedly (except for whoever helped him) brough those white tigers back from the brink of extinction. Extinction!!

And how to they repay him? With death! Almost. That's a cat for you.

More Cat Chat

Back to the cats for a second. I think it is really a very good idea to, when evaluating a person as a possible love interest to always ask "Do you have a cat?" If they say yes, then as God is my witness I tell you to back away slowly, because you will end up with a lot of evil in your life and not all of it in the form of merchandise with pictures of cats on it.

if you are all , "well what if I have a cat!?" Then in that case, maybe it would work out for you. God bless!

I will simply add, the ancient Egyptians worshipped cats and look what happened to them.

For the love of God people the evidence is right there in front of you, why do you refuse to see it?!

Okay everyone, it is time to stop saying things like "gosh darn it". Things like that, that were originally (in their second incarnation) said by people like David Letterman, like 15 or 20 years ago in an ironic way, sound so, so, so tired today. Is anyone with me? I wish you could see me now--the look on my face is -- well it's like I am in a musical and I am about to break tghe mood by starting a song.

God, i hate musicals. Hate them! You're watching a movie, starting to get into it, them whammo, someone breaks my concentration by starting to sing. Grease was okay I guess. I saw it as a kid and I can remember kinda rockin' out to that greased lightening song. But I was a super nerdly kid, so don't be taking that as proof of anything

My Secret Shame and a Great Band

This may make me sound like a screaming pre-teen hysteric, but goddammit I love that Maroon5. Looooooove them.

More G-Damn Kelly Ripa!

I saw Kelly Ripa being interviewed by Barbara Walters the other night. I have a history with Kelly. First I really liked her and was so hoping she would get the Regis gig and then she got it and she was great, then she started to get on my nerves some. (I remember thinking I miss KathieLee, who was the kind of woman you felt justified making fun of). Then Kelly really started to bug me with her perfect life. And everywhere I looked it was kelly kelly, kelly! And at the same time as the world was making this huge fuss of her, I felt she was becoming the modern day kathie Lee, with her constant talking about how hot her husband is, and how beautiful her kids are, and how she hates that Hamptons traffic. But then, like I said, I saw her on 20/20 and there was a clip of her dancing on a local dance show from about 13 years ago, and I have to say, seeing that, my attitude softened.

Madonna, The Remedial Spirituality Student

Is it just me or is anyone else alarmed by the fact that madonna has been studying Taoism, Kabballah and who knows what else and is only NOW coming to the realization that "material things do not matter". That material things are unimportant has got to be the basic fucking tenet of every single school of spirituality, and she is only getting that now, like 10 years later!?

Plus her and Brittney man, it was like watching a teenager make out with her friend's mom.

Kelly Ripa, Kelly Ripa, Kelly Ripa!

But back to Kelly Ripa for a second. Man, I find myself filling up with rage once again at the thoughtlessness of you people! Why can't you find it in your heart to feel sympathy for her and her terrible, terrible burden of excessive attractiveness? is that really so much to ask of you, Mr. and Mrs. Mean-Spirited, with your politically correct both-take-hyphenated last names!

When I think of poor Kelly, on her Pantene commercial, you know the one where she talks about the burden of her thick and super shiny hair, and she makes that strange "Ahhhhhhhhh" sound, which I think is suposed to be like a choir of angels, or perhaps something from a snappy aria, I really cannot tell, I just want to cry for her! You think it is easy being her?! Well it isn't. I can't even look at you now--you all are making me so mad with your thoughtlessness.

Death to the cat people!

Okay, maybe not death, but disease at least!

people ask me, hey, Mrs. C, why do you hate cats so much anyway? I hate cats because...

man, this is hard to talk about...

because...

when I was a small child, a cat, a vile, evil, hideous cat, killed my entire family.

Actually no. The truth is, it is not cats that I despise, but rather the people who love them. the stinky, cat hair covered, lint roller needing, litter box changing cat owners. And they are all, wooo hoo, I have to change the litter box.

I was just thinking....wouldn't it be something if a cat really did kill my entire family, well maybe not ENTIRE family, that seems pretty far fetched, maybe just like one of my parents or a sibling or something, anyway, say a cat did kill someone in my family but then I come here and make jokes about it as a way of coping or maybe as a way of trying to learn to forgive the cat. that would really be something I think. And people would be all, "what's with her and the cat-hating jokes?!" like they are big cat lovers themselves and are maybe a bit miffed (like only cat people can be) then my friend tells them, "well a cat DID KILL HER BROTHER" and then shoots the complainer one of those "now who has the right to be miffed" looks

What the Dilly!

I realized something about myself a while ago, and that is I lack the dedication to be a dilletante! In fact, a dilletante is really a step up from a dabbler, a position to which I can only aspire! (look at the trouble I go to to avoid ending sentences in prepositions. Fuck that, man! Let's all just collectively rebel against the grammar man, or actually we should probably call it the hipper "The gramma man". No, we couldn't call it that because that has too much of a grandmother connoptation. man, what is with me and this Ellen Degeneras style off -on--a-tangent schtick I have going lately? Maybe it means I am a lesbian!

Partying (How to know when you are actually doing it) With A Special Section On How to Know When You Are "Kicking Back"

How Do I Know When I Am "Partying"?

I ask myself these simple questions.

Is there music playing?

If so, am I moving my foot or entire leg with the music?

Am I smiling?

Do I have a drink in hand?

Are there other people there?

Do I feel tempted to utter any Will Smith-isms, to impress the ladies, or simply to show my hipness?

I feel if I can answer yes to 4 of these questions then I can feel fairly confident that I am indeed "partying".

But What about the more elusive "kicking back"?

I confess this one perplexed me for some time. I think the kicking part threw me, I felt there should be some kicking involved. I was really, really, and I will admit it now, really hung up on the kicking part. Like, if you are in a LA Z Boy and you throw yourself back against the back of the chair, fairly violently, so as to activate the recliner mechanism, and then you sort of throw your legs up in the air, kick style as you are doing it, then I think you can be pretty confident that you are kicking back. But what if you aren?t kicking? What if you are reclining on the sofa? Well, in that case, I feel your feet should be up on the coffee table, or on an ottoman if you have one. Because this is really borderline on account of the no kicking involved.

I am starting a new theory of genetic grouping. It is a bit like the old SPY magazine's separated at birth, but larger groups and without pictures. And, naturally now that I type it out it seems really stupid.

All of these people evolved from the same ancient hominid ancestral groups.

1. Chris Meloni and the guy who plays Abby's brother on ER

2. Samuel L Jackson and that other guy that you always think is Samuel L Jackson but really isn't...I will look up his name, I promise!

3. Roddy McDowell and Andy McDowell. Not really! I just thought it "sounded fun"

4. Conan O'Brian and Tucker (Look at me, I am wearing a bow tie See, it is like my "trademark", it says I am young and unconventional and a libertarian, but also very prep so I cannot go too crazy with my schtick) Carlson

5. Lisa Kudrow, Boy George and Pee Wee Herman

6. Colin Powell and my father-in-law. It's quite uncanny!

Poor Kelly Ripa and Sharon Stone and their burdens of excessive attractiveness! I am ashamed to admit that I had never really thought about how difficult their lives must be until I heard them both discussing their unique burdens. People do not take them seriously!, because they think if you are that attractive you cannot be smart, yet Sharon Stone is purported (by, um, her publicist I think) to be a member of Mensa! And poor Kelly--with her excessively thick and shiny hair on her pantene commercials, plus her beauty, that she is couteous enough to take time from her busy celebrity day to remind us about. You think it is easy being them, well think again Mr. and Mrs. Selfish! God, you people make me sick with your thoughtlessness!

Worthy of Your Contempt

Here are some things that I think are okay to just really fucking hate:

1. That weird run that old ladies like Barbara Walters do, where they are half walking, half running and they have their fists held out in the most awkward way designed to show what exactly, that "they got spunk" or they are "street" or whatever the hell it is they think they are That has got to go.

2. Cat people. I don't just mean the old lady with the 50 cats and the stinky house, I mean anyone that has a "special relationship" with cats. They subject you to their daily cat stories at work with their "You wouldn't believe what my cat did today!" (Um, yes I would, it's a cat!) stories. They may start out innocently enough, but number one, no one starts with 50 cats and number two, eventually they are going to start wearing clothes with pictures of cats on them.

3. Burning people in effigy. First, that is so 1887. It's always some third world country that makes them and I always think, jesus, what do they have against the scarecow!? Until I realize it's supposed to be some politico. Don't those people have any talented artists in their countries who could make a reasonable facsimile. Oh and ps, like George Bush would be caught dead in a 50/50 poly cotton blend.

4. The expression "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle" Um, if they are going to make bikes for fish I am pretty sure they would be adapted to fins. Use your heads people, that's what we are paying you for!

5. The Uber Hip. What exactly are you so hip about anyway? Just go and deconstruct something and leave the rest of us alone to enjoy our lame ass tv shows.

6. Scrappy Doo hatred - everyone just get off his back already. "oh that Scrappy" "he's so lame" No! You're the lame one!

7. Jennifer Lopez's ass. Notice how each successive video is becoming more "ass-rich". It is like there are people, big record executive people, seriously, studiously looking for ways to showcase "J Lo's" ass. Also, not even 10 years ago that would have been considered a "fat ass". Personally, I have nothing against her or her ass, but come onnnn, it's a derierre. Think about what you are doing - do you really want an ass as a cultural icon, because that's what you've got.

8. Music Boxes. I even hate to write the term. Goddam wind up some stupid little machine to listen to 30 seconds of goddam ode to joy played all tink tink tink style. We have a new thing now that plays music--it is called a cd player

How can something so good come from something so very evil?