Who Saw the Oscars!?

How long was it? 4 hours? About 3.75 of them centring on people you have never heard of? Is that how it was? Little bit of mildly funny interspersed. The kind that produces in you one of those "oh, tee hee that's amusing" kind of laughs? Like the cute commercials do?

Was Jack Nicholson there in the front row, looking all bad, because he's such a bad boy? What exactly makes Jack Nicholson so bad anyway? Is he a heroin dealer or something? Just wearing Ray Bans does not really make you bad. And not to get too picky, but Jack Nicholson is no boy. If you insist he's bad then he's a bad man which now sounds less cute.

Who else was there? Was creepy Joan Rivers out there making snarky remarks about people? God, if anyone should talk, that woman with her horrible plastic surgery and her homely daughter has got to be it.

How about the big GENIUS directors -- were they all there holding court like they usually do?

I don't know I didn't see it.

My Oscar Predictions

Best Picture: Don't care
Best Actor: Not relevant to my life
Best Actress: Care even less than I do about the Best Actor Category
Best Director: Yaw, like this is the one I am suddenly caring about
Best producer: Motherfucker, I don't even know what a producer does
Best Supporting Actor: Please
Best Supporting Acress: Shyeahh

Let's sum up--not interested in "The Oscars" ; don't give a flying fuck who does or does not win, and really don't get why anyone who is not in that self congratulatory industry does.

Women and Children First

That's over.

You can't have equality in pay and work and education and domestic responsibilities and then expect to be treated unequally when it comes to spaces on a lifeboat.

You Better Believe I Do!

Here's me: driving along in traffic, listening to maybe one of the greatest songs ever (Do I Do by the great Stevie Wonder), but not enjoying it it as much as I could have been because Senior Stan is driving about 35 kph (umm that's like uhhh, oh it's ummm , say roughly 22 mph) in front of me.

Since I am tailgating him so severly I cannot help notice his curly white haired lady friend in the front seat. She seems remarkably agile for a senior. I am impressed. Then I got a look at her profile; turns out she's a poodle. No really, an actual poodle.

Then I drive home to my cul de sac, still have the Stevie Wonder going, and my neighbour makes some comment about how I need to modernize my musical tastes and why don't I listen to Nickelback.

This is what I am dealing with people. 24/7.

Now don't you feel petty worrying about your stuff?

Yes, I thought you might.

Matchmaking -- Ladies, Here's How It's Done

Before I begin, I'll ask you to make sure you are seated comfortably because this match is simply going to blow your mind.

This is too good to fuck around with a lot of ellipses, so let's just get right to it...

I match John Mayer with Norah Jones.

IS YOUR MIND BLOWN RIGHT NOW!?

ARE YOU ALL, OMIGOD WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT!?*

I know, it's fucking awesome.

UPDATE:

My Entertainment news and gossip meter was all aglow today because apparently John Mayer and Jessica Simpson broke up. God Bless their hearts.

John Mayer make your goddam move already!


*You know why, because the great ones always make it look so simple, but in truth I have been ciphering in my laboratory for days.