Problem: I would like to know what are the cool clothes for the kids today, but I have no idea what they are and no way of finding out. I keep running it over in my mind.

Solution: And then hits me! Go into the coolest store in the entire mall (suburban! lame! whatever!) and just walk right up to the coolest looking (scratch that - could end up being lamest person based on my inability to discern coolness), walk right up to a store employee and ask him or her to simply "hip me up".

Then they tell me something like "Okay, start by not saying 'Hip me up'". And then the whole thing continues south from there.

My cool days, such as they were, are long over, and now my cool-dar is also gone. (I know how uncool it is to say cool-dar!)

And much like people say about fading youth, how you are, today, the youngest you will ever be, this, right here, right now, is the coolest I am every going to get. From here to eternity. (Well, I possibly could be a bit cooler in eternity -- I am assuming there's a cape or something).