Everything that is wrong with the internet

Overwhelming Searches: Type nearly anything into Google and you will get a search result of over a million hits. Well newsflash, Al Gore, I am a stay at home mom. I do not have time to follow more than 500,000 of those links before I have to haul my ass of the computer to watch Oprah. Or shop for a zippered fleece vest and another pair of high waisted Calvins at Costco. Or call up my friend and ask what she thinks of Michael Douglas's face lift. The point is, I'm busy.

Blogrolls: After countless hours of surfing the internet you happen, as if some miracle, upon a blog that is not only well written, but hip, and funny! And oh how you laugh. Ah haha! You then notice that this clever, charming, witty one-in-a-million has some links. You think, well, this has got to be some good linking because this person knows funny! So you click on one of their "must reads" or "Super faves" or whatever it is they call them, and find that hmmm, it's not so funny. Not to worry you think, try another. Same problem. Then it hits you: cliques! The blogroll is a tool for internet-style nepotism, and yet another way Al Gore has devised to waste my time.

Snarky or Let-Me-Tell-You-How-It-Really-Is comments from people who are not really in a position to tell me anything except maybe How to be a better asshole: I have had a number of those and I just keep them there. Let your assholism ring I say. I don't know how other people handle them, but they annoy me when I see them on others blogs, too. Nasty commenter and/or pedantic commenter, you're bringing down the room.

For the Love of God, People, It's

LIE down.

Please stop saying "I am going to lay down".

It's lie down, mofo. Lie.

Let's...

change the name "blogosphere" to "margaritaville". It just sounds way more fun!

Nosy parker: "Where were you for the last three hours?"

You: Margaritaville!

Then you can change your name to Chad and start giving people high fives and making that shooting gun move people do with their hand because you're a dude who hangs out in margaritaville and no one would expect anything less from you.

How To Tell If You Are Really Crazy

As I roam the vast halls of the internet, I come across many sites where people identify themselves as "crazy". I believe this to be a misnomer, and suggest that instead of being "crazy" what those people are is either a) "zany" b) "kooky" or c) "whacky".

But, in case you are still wondering, here is my definitive checklist for craziness.

Does the communication in your romantic relationships fall solely into the category of "telepathic"? (Not unlike my love affair with Johnny Depp who sends me life telepathic affirming messages like "You rock" "You are an excellent driver" "Your ass looks totally excellent in those pants").

Do you think that, and I am not committing you to anything here, but, do you think that there's a really good chance that you are the next messiah?

Do you have more than 21 cats?

How about zany hats? Do you wear a lot of those? (Bonus point if your hat serves a dual purpose like being super fetching and also filters out any kind of harmful rays or if the hat is made from an aluminum pie plate).

In enclosed areas, do people stand as far away from you as possible? (But that could also be B.O.)

Do you mumble angrily to yourself and then stare intensely at people nearby? (Deduct one point if you are the computer dude at your place of work)

Man, the internet is really pissing me off today.

No, it's not just the internet, it's the Blogosphere. First, I hate that I had to type that word, because frankly I didn't think I could hate a word more than "'blog" but lo and behold, turns out I can, and that word is "blogosphere".

But anyway, here's what's bugging me right now. Links. You heard me! I have to read three goddam sentences of some description of something and then I have to click a link to go elsewhere! You gotta make me work for it, don't you, you bastard? It leaves me bitter and resentful.

Some people set their introductions up as "teasers". Like "OH, this is so interesting! You HAVE GOT TO SEE IT TO BELIEVE IT!!!" Dot, dot, dot hypertext!Frankly, the three exclamation points should probably tip me off, but I am an imperfect woman. Nine times out of 10 it's a picture of a cat wearing a hat or smoking a cigar or something else that I am not interested in seeing.

You know who I like? The people who post the pictures right up front on the main page, on the blog. And of course I am not interested in seeing them either, but at least I didn't have to do anything.

Picture posters, here's what I want to see:

1. Bigfoot
2. Johnny Depp