Saturday, July 02, 2005

For Hyper Sensitives Everywhere...

It has finally happened to me.

The thing I have waited for, since childhood, has finally arrived.

No, I am not talking about the Secret Agent beebee gun I send a dollar twenty five for to an address in the back of an Archie comic book in 7th grade. That has still not arrived.

But something far more wonderful has.

No, not my period. (That gift of womanhood was highly overrated by the way.)

I have finally reached the stage of my life that has been promised by many women, mainly Oprah, but she's every woman, or used to be until she turned in Oprah Van Houten, anyway.

It's here. I have come to that wonderful phase of my life where I no longer care what people think of me or my choices.

Sensitivity can be a very good thing; it makes you kinder, more compassionate, more considerate of other people's feelings. It alters your behaviour, for the better because it's unbearable to feel the guilt of having hurt someone, or the shame of not helping when you were able. But sensitivity has a price. It makes you sticky. Every little unkind word, every injustice, every sad story sticks. And it's hard to live like that. Ad no matter how hard you try, you just cannot brush it off. You can say you don't care, but you do. You can try to forget, but you can't. You can even decide not to be affected, and you will be. Because even that decision will have its own cost. And really, who wants to be an asshokle anyway.

What I chose to do was just live with it. I finally accepted that I was a sensitive person, and stopped apologizing for it. I stopped getting so angry at myself for letting things affect me, and simply accepted that they do. Instead of being angry with myself for being too sensitive, I decided to see it as a good thing.

And then a miracle! By age or by choice or by Divinity, I know not which, the dream of the sensitive person everywhere materialized in my life: it occurred to me that I don't care, not in a self-esteem affecting way anyway, what people think of me anymore.

But, and this is the miracle part, I can feel this way while still caring about other things. I get to keep the good parts of sensitivity without all the bad.

I wish the same for you.

9 comments:

Julie said...

This post gives me hope, Suburby. Thank you.

Kim said...

Oh good! That is one of the most wonderful phases of a woman's life! I'm happy to hear you have achieved it! When you start to live to please your own mind, you end up pleasing everyone around you, it's so odd that it never occurs to you since it seems so simple, but when it finally does, it's like you've stepped into the sunlight for the first time in your life! Congrats honey!

Suburby said...

Julie,

I am so happy that it gives you hope. Honestly, had it not happened to me, I'd have sworn it never could have. I hope it comes for you really soon!

Thanks for your lovely comment.

Kim,

Thanks you so much for your thoughtful comment, and for your congratulations -- it really does feel like something to celebrate!

I have to say I never wanted to be a jerk; that whole "looking out for number one" was always too morally wrong and frankly, artificial for me. When I see people behaving like that all I really see coming off of them is a lot of hurt turned into anger (or in some cases, psychopathy, in which case, back away slowly). But this is totally different.

Best to you, Kim. Thanks for your encouragement!

kimberley said...

Fuck, I hope that kicks in soon. And yeah - the 'gift of womanhood' was a kick to the girl bits and not the butterflies and doves landing on my outstretched hands, that's for sure.

Anonymous said...

Wow- There are people like me! I have been hyper-sensitive my whole life. I am 44 and still struggling. When I was 23 I almost died from massive bleeding ulcers. I had to have surgery to save my life and will have side affects till I die. I think hyper-sensitives are "old souls" because we feel so much. We exist in a realm most people could never comprehend. Thanks for sharing!

Anonymous said...

Its amazing that I am not the only one who has suffered with this. I been uberly sensitive since I was knee high to a grasshopper. I am 27 but I feel like I am 40 because of everything that I have felt emotionally and felt I have done because of others around me. My biggest complaint also is not being able to rid myself of the negative. The hurtful comments, the sad stories, or feeling of guilt and resentment from others. I can pretty much tell what a person is thinking because of it as well. I feel it is truely a gift but it can be a curse at times lol. But we must except what has been given to us because it has been given to us for a reason.

Thanks for sharing this. It does give us hope and many blessings to know we are not alone.

Emily said...

Hi! I was looking for things on sensitives and "just happened" to find your blog! Hope you don't mind me reading and saying hello! :-)

Lisa Bowes said...

A friend of mine recently brought it to my attention that I am a sensitive. Not just sensitive, but "a sensitive." I have been looking into it, and I relate to everything I have read about it, and it has given me hope to be able to find some relief from some of the emotional pain I live with. In some situations I can truly not care about matters or what others think, but for the most part this is not possible.I find anger spurs this and when I am finished being angry; I feel bad for having been so harsh. I 've been finding hope in all I've read, and most of all, in what you wrote. Thank you! and keep up the good work. Lisa

melissa sandoval said...

2 days ago i found material on "sensitives" I was astounded, everything fits into place. I feel such relief, and that knowing myself more gives me the permission to be myself, and to love myself.
Loving and accepting myself has sometimes been hard because of all the confusion and anxiety, and the sense of failure, and not fitting in.
This is all life changing, i feel courage welling up inside me, the courage to believe in myself, my potential and my dreams. The world needs us, we have permission to thrive!
melissa sandoval