Problem: I would like to know what are the cool clothes for the kids today, but I have no idea what they are and no way of finding out. I keep running it over in my mind.

Solution: And then hits me! Go into the coolest store in the entire mall (suburban! lame! whatever!) and just walk right up to the coolest looking (scratch that - could end up being lamest person based on my inability to discern coolness), walk right up to a store employee and ask him or her to simply "hip me up".

Then they tell me something like "Okay, start by not saying 'Hip me up'". And then the whole thing continues south from there.

My cool days, such as they were, are long over, and now my cool-dar is also gone. (I know how uncool it is to say cool-dar!)

And much like people say about fading youth, how you are, today, the youngest you will ever be, this, right here, right now, is the coolest I am every going to get. From here to eternity. (Well, I possibly could be a bit cooler in eternity -- I am assuming there's a cape or something).

Apps I`d like to see

You know those people who really believe their own press.
The kind of people who cannot tell when other people are blowing smoke up their ass. Someone is all OMIGOD you were so great!
And they are all fake modest about it because in reality they actually believe every word the smoke blower is saying.
They believe it in the Thank God someone finally GETS ME kind of way.

I wonder about those people. Do they still believe it when they are alone.
They probably do.
But they also probably have those deep existential moments of doubt.

It would be good if someone would make an app for that.

In the midst of the doubt, your iPhone would pop on and yell something about what a goddam phony you are.
Like a Holden Caulfield app.

What about an app that will tell me when I am getting my flying car and my goddam robot maid. I have been waiting since 1975.

Also, is there an app that can explain to teenagers that it IS in fact exactly like that.

Americans, Gather Around...

It's time to talk about the messed up way you pronounce words. Version 2.0 ("Cause I know I have had to talk to y'all about this before. And by the way, I have no problem with "y'all" because it's just so awesome. )

Word number one: COUPON. Where do you get the "queue" (kyew) sound from? You're all over our Canadian asses about the "OOt 'n' aboot", which I don't think we even say, and yet you're doing it way worse with KYEWpon.

You all do it, and I know you're doing it and I think you're doing it just to annoy me.

The word is pronounced Coo-pon. There's no Kyew. Here ya go: Cougar, douche, Military coup. Admittedly I had a hard time finding examples with the "oo" sound, and most of the words I did find are French words. But still, I believe my point had been made.

"Man-aise" I can't even...Who the hell are you to just drop entire syllables? You've got a lotta nerve, I'll say that.

But them you get all prissy with "Aunt" pronouncing it "Ahnt". We say ANT, like the country of (super polite) street brawlers that we are.

I can't think of anymore right now, but they are out there...

I know it is boring to talk about Blog Stats...

So, prepare to be bored.

I just took another look at mine and it turns out there are a lot of people who need to know how to pronounce the word "mayonnaise". I get at least three people a week coming to my site to learn the secret to correct pronunciation of that word. (In fairness, I do have a small treatise on it about three feet down.)

Man, just try to envision the situation in which one would find oneself that would require one to google "how to pronounce mayonnaise". Something about it seems sketchy! And stop saying "one"!

People also visit my site to learn about coffee drinking and its effect on acid reflux. I don't have anything written on that, but I'll tell you : DON'T DO IT! Coffee can be a real heart burner.

Have a great day, awesome peeps!

I Wonder...

if they will be selling some "Baby's First Hockey Riot 2011" souvenirs in Vancouver. A onesie, or maybe a Christmas ornament?

Everybody Has A Calling?

I was watching those plucky ladies of The View today, and they were discussing, among other things, the idea that everyone has a calling.

When you hear something like that I think it's natural to ask, "What's mine?" I don't know what mine is. Is it a calling to be a little bit irreverent and always either offering (extremely excellent and very helpful) advice or doing everything in your power to stop yourself from offering said advice? Because if there is, that's mine.

What about rolling your eyes and getting really exasperated in a I-Know-You'll-Discover-I-Am-Right-But-Will-Conveniently-Forget-You-Ever-Held-A-Different-Opinion kind of way at Facebook and Twitter-ing? Using Facebook and Twitter on your stupid TV show, in a "Oh, we have a comment from Facebook" or "@Sluttygirl69" says ... btw, are the current "Is the caller there?" Anyone old enough to remember that, Larry King, Phil Donahue, Oprah? Is that a calling?

How about going to Costco and then kicking youself for buying just way too much stupid stuff especially the big bag of chips, which isn't going to help anyone? Calling or no?

Have you ever visited someone's blog, say someone with whom you have some level of aquaintance, however trivial, and looked at their blogroll? Sometimes it's a real short list; othertimes the list is long. Like really long. Super long. And their title is alyways something like: Check out àll my friends and their super awesome reads! It`s those ones to which I am referring, btw (In case I am being too subtle).

Anyhoo, you`re at the site, and you notice the list, and you`re maybe reading posts and just catching up and shit, so you aren`t really reading the blogroll exactly, but you can`t help but notice that you`ve read halfway to Hades and the blogroll is still going on. It`s one of those Blogrolls that includes every person the blogger has ever read, or watched; or admired in some fashion; or feels ironical towards or it`s simply a listing of every person the blogger knows, will know or could potentially know in some form in this lifetime, except for you.

That, my friends, is good for the humility. And fortunately, there`s no shortage of the humility to go around.

Please

Don't mistake kindness and good manners for weakness.

Just FYI.

What Happened to Shame?

What happened to shame? Nobody does it anymore.

I don't know if this is just a Canadian thing, but it seems no one ever says anything about anything anymore, other that to say something is "Amaaaaazing!" (Nothing is that amazing, btw)

But some things are shameful. Treating people like crap, beating your kids, gambling away the family house.

I do not suggest we go back to using shame as a way to judge people as a way to make ourselves feel more important or superior to others -- nothing like that. We shouldn't go back to being so awful and judgemental that people just go underground with their bad behaviour. But I do think we should really start pointing shit out.

Ironically everyone is so afraid of being shamed themselves they wont shame anyone, even if they actually do deserve it, for fear of being shamed themselves.

Well Man Up I say! It's time to start calling people out again. For assholism. For nastiness. For cheating. For abuse. For lying. For stealing.

That's what I think anyway.

Yeah yeah I know. I should be ashamed of myself.

I'm having a better today than I was last post, and frankly feel a little embarassed at my petulance and ingratitude (someone got a thesaurus...). After all, asthma is far from the worse lung disease there is, am I right, motherfuckers!?

Valentine's Day: My husband bought me a grocery store bouquet (feh) and my son told me I'd have to share my card with his Dad. That seemed a little gay to me. (Maybe I can still have some hope for a gay son).

And now I have to do what it always seems like I am doing -- go to Costco.

Still living large.

Sigh

I just found out I have asthma. Such a loser disease!

It was already hard to look cool in my Costco track suit. It's infinitely more difficult trying to rock the budget brand Lulu Lemon with an inhaler in your hand.

Really not having a very good day.