Blog Reading Advice

I would recommend avoiding all weblogs with the following attributes:

1. Excessive use of the exclamation point in the title e.g. "I love my cat!!!"

2. Any zany use of the up and down caps e.g. mY cRaZy FuCkEd uP lIfE.

3. Any use of the word "Rocks" or "RAWKS" in the title.

In the spirit of the season, I would like to extend an apology

Look, on behalf of Canadians everywhere, I am sorry about Celine Dion.

Now, quid pro quo, I would like an apology for Kenny G.

I'm waiting.

It's the end of the year...

and I think it's time some of you people just stopped what you are doing for one second and asked yourself "What have I done to help a celebrity this year?" You heard me! Do you people even realize what these celebrities, these very, very special people do for you? Well let me tell you! Some of them sometimes work for scale, and when they do, oh man, that is a big goddam deal because sure scale for a movie may still be a lot more than a shlub like you makes for a whole year of work, but these people are so much better than you. And why do they do this? They do it for art, for the art of the low budget feature film. So people like you, goddam ingrates, can revel in their shiny glory.

Do you think it is easy being a celebrity? Well do you!? It is not, I can assure you. They have photographers following them around. I know how annoying that is from when my husband videotapes our son's birthday parties. It's very, very annoying. And their bodyguards can only do so much you know! They cannot stay in their armoured limosines and behind the gates of their enormous mansions forever. God, you people are so thoughtless!

So maybe this year while you are so busy thinking about yourself and your petty concerns, you can take a moment to think about how your actions affect the very people who matter more than anyone else.

Gifty TV Shows

I feel the need to say something about this. About these tv shows which consist largely (or even solely!) of people in the audience receiving gifts from the show host (although come on, who are you trying to kid that the gifts are from the host).

The shows typically go something like this:

1. Host makes major SURPRISE ANNOUNCEMENT that this is a gifting show!

2. Camera pans to near hysterical audience, clapping, laughing, just freaking out.

3. Host brings out gift with much fanfare, say a Sony cd player.

4. Camera pans to audience going ape shit about the prospect of owning a Sony portable cd player. We usually get about 20 seconds of straight audience screaming. Pan to this lady screaming; now quick, over to that lady screaming and clapping; whoosh, this lady is almost crying; 5 full seconds on the hot chick clapping her hands, etc.

5. This goes on all through the show with the audience getting progressively more hysterical with each new gift; and the camera man spending increasingly longer looking at the audience members scream about getting a free Sonicare.

I have run this through the old analyzer and as near as I can tell these shows are some kind of advertising pornography. How else could these shows even come into existance? Who in their right mind would think that people sitting at home would enjoy watching complete strangers get a bunch of presents that the viewer is never going to get except for someone who is masturbating to the idea of market share and ratings.

Here's a newsflash industry wanker--I don't give a shit about that lady from Minnesota who is getting a free microwave. It does not entertain me to watch it. If anything, it pisses me off a little. Gimme my goddam Sonicare toothbrush, asshole!

Hugh Grant

Hugh Grant has made me hate English people. The accent; that fucking super annoying and transparently fake "self-depricating" sense of humour. And the way he's always touching his hair. Dude. Please. The whole package is just awful. And, as it turns out, my irritation is so intense that it has now spread to all of his tribe.

I also dislike the gay version of Hugh Grant: Rupert Everett.

The Rebel Billionaire

OH MY GOD is there an idea anywhere in entertainment more detestable than this show? Incidentally I saw "the Rebel Billionaire" himself on the Daily Show, and Jon Stewart had a great idea for a reality tv show: put up a prize for people to come up with some form of energy that's not dependent on fossil fuels. Richard Branson first treated it as a joke and then got all fraidy cat and seriously freaked out about the idea of Jon Stewart suggesting he put up some money. He's really the rebel cheapskate.

I just did not cotton to him!

A word about most 'blogs

crap!

Over 98% of the blogs out there are unreadable. Either because they are so badly written, or because they are written in Spanish, or sometimes French. I have seen a couple in Arabic, too, and when I come across one I always wonder how it would look if my computer's hard drive was confiscated by the CIA the next day.

I'd be all, "No, I just stumbled across it. I clicked the "next Blog" button, that is all! Really!"

Yeah, so most blogs are crap, or they are trouble.

But sometimes you come across a good one. (Twirling hair and looking around, coyly)

Is there such a thing

as an intellectual Republican? And, if so, how does s/he reconcile George Bush as leader? I would love to know if anyone out there could answer me. Thank you.

Dear George Bush, Mr. NAFTA Favouring Mexico Over Canada

Oh sure, when it's party time, you are all Wooohooo Vincente Fox, let's par-tay; and wooo let's head down to Cabo.

And now it's flu season, so why don't you ask your fancy Mexican friends for some goddam flu vaccine.

One thing a country hates is when you only have time for it when you need its prescription medications.

The thing that really gets me though is Bush's excuse-making about why he won't allow wholesale importation of Canadian drugs. He implies it's because he is unsure of the safety of the drugs(we notice though, mofy, that you come straight here when you need a vaccine). And the funny part is is that in most cases the so called Canadian drugs are actually American manufactured drugs, from American pharmaceutical giants. Either he is an idiot, or the people who vote for him are. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Do you not get enough to eat? Are you short on some vital brain nutrient maybe, because something is not adding up.

About that whole Jon Stewart/Tucker Carlson hubub...

I would simply like to say, Jon Stewart, I love you.

Dear American Voter

Let's just take a second to think back about four years ago, to the last presidential election, a time when Al Gore was narrowly defeated. You had the chance back then to elect, as your president, the inventor of the internet, but you turned it down.

Who knows what the world would be like today if the election had gone a little differently. What else, as President, would Al Gore have invented?

I think there is a good chance that if you had elected Al Gore, you'd be going to work in flying cars today, and more than likely your tedious household chores (you know the ones I am talkin' about, ladies!) would be dutifully carried out by your new robot maid. Inclement weather getting you down? Not likely with the gigantic weather dome Al Gore invented to put over top of cities so it's always a comfy 72 degrees. The magic diet pill; the super sonic jets that only take 10 minutes to fly across the country; the new improved extra tasty tomato. I could go on and on.

Pyramid Schemes

People complain about pyramid schemes all the time, don't they? Some make money; others lose. C'est la vie! But there is one very important fact that everyone (except me) misses. What is it? My God, people, it's like watching the Sixth Sense -- think about it. Something just doesn't add up...but what...what...whaaaaat?

I am about to rock your world, baby, so hang on...


The thing everyone is missing is this...

they have never, not even one time, never! given away a pyramid.
Yet dreamers keep on getting involved in the schemes.

Now, I know some of you are going to get all defensive and start saying things like "but I don't even want a pyramid" Whatever. The point is, a pyramid is probably pretty valuable. You could probably sell it to a museum or art gallery or something of that nature. PLUS, it's land people, and real estate always goes up.

Look, do what you want, but if you are going to insist on being involved in pyramid schemes, one of you somewhere should put your foot down and demand to at least see the pyramid before you begin. That is all I am saying.

God speed

Big Brother

So far, my fave part on the Big brother was whan Jase, terribly, terribly upset about (I think) Holly's eviction. (Whatever, he was really seriously upset about something. ... Don't look at me like that, motherfucker...it was something he was seriously upset about; I just forget exactly what).

And Scott, his "brother" was comforting him, in his testosterone enriched way, which consisted of saying something like "yeah, man, fuck them", and in the middle of the comforting, jase looks at Scott, who is holding something and says..."Is that a crimper!?"

Who could even write something that good?

I effin' love that show.

Katie Couric Interviews OJ

I noticed, as Katie was sending us away to commercial breaks, that she sort of gave a displeased semi-grimace to the camera, as if to say, Hey, I may be interviewing OJ simpson, but I am not for double murder. Not in the least. (Serious semi-grimace)

Like, no big Today show "We'll be right back" for the Juice. Because dammit, Katie Couric wants you to know that she does not approve!

What I Hate About 'Blogs

1. The name 'Blog. Gah! If you even have to ask why you are at the wrong weblog. It's probably best for both of us if you leave now.

2. People whose weblog entries consist almost entirely of one word hyperlinks. Then you click on them to find a bunch of things that aren't really all that "weird" or "far out" or "strange underpants" or whatever the author thought was so "delish" they simply had to link us.

I say, an end to the one word "blog" (I was cringing just there) entry, please!

Carson Daly

He loves the ladies!

I wonder if he was disappointed to find that the name "The Daily Show" was taken. I also wonder if Carson hates the Daily Show because, like Vancouver, it is "too white".

Man, you know a white dude is street when he bitches about cities being "too white".

Dear Brad Pitt

Just saw a preview of Troy. Please, please do not do any more English accents. Thank you!

Carson Daly-As-Nemesis Update

Yes! He is still bugging me. He is so cool though hey, for a whitey.

The idiot.

The Historical Figure with Whom You Would Most Like to Have Dinner?

For me, right off the bat I am all "Wow, no question--Jesus". But then, if I take time to think about it, I realize it could actually be a very awkward dinner. Why? Well, for one, because I assume he'd be appearing in his own time, there'd be no way we would be able to share any pop culture references. I for example, could not really ask if he is at all bummed about "Friends" ending. So what I am saying is there's really no room for small talk, which as we all know is the social lubricant.

I am guessing there could be some uncomfortable silences at times.


Second, what if he started pouring wine, and i'd (if i were a 12 stepper) would have to be all, "No thanks, man, i don't drink". Are you telling me that would not be awkward!? Look, he's Jesus, so I know he wouldn't make a big deal out of it, but come on, it's always a bummer when one person is drinking and the other isn't.

I wonder what kind of dinner music he would put on. I would be so bummed out if it was Zamfir or Enya or something.

Why

does Carson Daly even have a tv show? My next door neighbour has dark hair and is short and kinda pudgy and likes to listen to rap. Can he get a show, too?

Carson Daly, be on notice...

you are my new nemesis.

Reason Number 1

I saw Carson Daly interviewing a rapper who is working in Vancouver. Carson Daly is all "hey man, I been to Vancouver and there ain't much to do there!" (Which, btw, is untrue, but anyway). And the rapper complains that it rains too much (which it does in the winter), and says how he gets sick of seeing the colour green. Then Mr. Ethnic, Carson Daly chimes in and says "you mean too much WHITE". The rapper fellow just kind of looks at him and nods, perhaps thinking to himself, Jesus, this guy is a suck up. So Whitey McWhitster, aka, Carson Daly thinks it's cool to make a racist remark, because it's against white people. I hate that.

Reason Number 2: Carson Daly, Ladies Man

This one is only puzzling to people who do not understand women. The reason Carson Daly, a slightly above average looking, but very short and embarassingly dorky when he tries to be "street" gets the women is because of this simple fact: women have been burned by good looking guys, who are taller, and far less gimpy than Carson , and look at Carson and think that because he is less attractive and shorter than the men they usually date that he will somehow be more grateful to date a "quality babe" and so will treat them better. This might be true in some cases, but Carson Daly is a celebrity so he thinks he is hot shit in his own right and doesn't realize that he is actually a form of the mercy date. This is why the shock, to the women, is doubly upsetting--why he got so horribly roasted by ex-girlfriends. They were thinking they were being kind to date him--he didn't understand that. To the women--this was adding insult to injury since they had already lowered thier standards by even dating him in the first place.

Moral of the story: Do not mercy date Carson Daly--he will not "treat you nicer" than the taller, better looking guys.

Man, when someone starts an email with...

"Thought you'd find this cute." It's a really safe bet that you won't.

Oh and P.S.

Would everyone just stop saying "meme"? Jesus.

Some Imaginary Reviews of "I Don't Have A Name Yet"

Rolling Stone calls it "Frank, irreverent, quite possibly he funniest thing ever written"

Maxim says "Those mother "effers" at Rolling Stone simply don't know--it *is* the funniest thing ever written

One more thing about Wonderland

John Mayer is all "If you have any big plans, break them". But hold on one sec. If it's my body that is the Wonderland, then what's he doing telling me to break MY big plans? Look man, if I am planning to go to Disneyworld all day I don't phone up the theme park and tell them to break their plans because I'ze coming over. Aight? Besides I am super busy anyway, between being the wonderland and Justin Timberlake wanting to rock my body. These celebrities, man, everything has to revolve around them!

I do not know why...

but that goddammed John Mayer Wonderland song overwhelms me with sadness.
I cannot listen to it, and I definitely can't watch the video, which makes me feel even worse.

I do not know why.

And so what are you going to do about it, motherfucker!?

That post--this one really is a perfect example of what is wrong with 'bloggin'. Because who really cares what some chick on the internet thinks about a g-dam song. And here I am, all busy writing about it, like it's super important that I get it down on paper so the people can read about it. Is it even possible to get one's head any further up one's ass than that?

But the truth is, that in a way it's a bit like this-- when I was a teenager I had a real super babe best friend. She was blonde, tall, very pretty, a model and plus she was a slutty dresser. That, my friends is an unbeatable combination. So there I was, truly a pretty girl in her own right, but totally overshadowed by superbabe in a bustier and a mini skirt. Next to her I could have walked down the street lifting my sweater ovwer my head, baring breasts and no one would have even noticed me.

And that is how it is on the internet. Your little weblog--no one even notices.

Look I have my shirt over my head as I write.

NASA and Co.

Why, why, why does everyone feel they have to "reinvent the wheel"? Why!? Beacuse of human arrogance, is that why!? Or is it perhaps because of the cold war, with the Ruskies? I do not know, but I do know this--it is wasteful.

Case in point: I see NASA is planning some missions to Mars. And, in their plans I see they have all these new sketches for rocket ships that will carry them to outer space. Mainly they all look like the moon rocket, just turned on its side and with like a Star choice or Bell Expressvue direct tv satellite dish on the side. I would think the astronauts would have more to do than watch satellite tv while abord a space craft, but then I read the trip was like 4 months long so then I could understand it. Anyway, the rocket they show that they are going to build to take cosmonauts into outer space is, I feel, a flagrant waste of taxpayer money because the Enterprise a) already exists and b) can go super fast so I doubt it would take more than an hour or so to get to Mars at warp 7 or 8. (That right there would save at the very least the cost of the Direct tv satellite installation, which can run you into the hundreds). But, you know at NASA they are all "We're NASA, we have to do this ourselves, with our fancy science and engineering degrees, and our big, NASA budget, and so we can't just rely on Hollywood."

Or perhaps it is more a matter of it being one of those things that "they" don't want you to know about. Which, again, is so stupid because there are already like five or six Star Trek movies out, all featuring The Enterprise, and I think there's a tv show as well, with that time traveller fellow, Mr. Scotty Bacula, so I really don't see how they think they could keep it a secret. But this is so typical of the arrogance of NASA. Really, why don't they just change their name to BIGBABYA--it would be more fitting!

My Gym is So Loser

It's a Curves gym and the women there, some of them I swear are octogenarians. They are on those lil jog in place recovery stations (bewteen resistance machines) like they are the lady version of Tim Conway as old man.

So there I am, looking at this lady thinking, Jesus lady, the way you are working you'd get more exercise unloading your washing machine, and then I notice her step off the recovery station so she could assist her elderly mother. Now that is a loser gym. I mean you are there , "workin' out" with seniors, possibly some WWI vets, I do not know, but a couple opf them had that spunky Rudy from Survivor vibe going.

Still thinking of American Idol, and wondering

Did someone once say, perhaps someone with a lot of "cred" a stylist, or maybe Oprah's decorator, Mr. Nate Berkowitz, but anyway did someone say to Paula Abdul "Paula, you look so fabulous in fedoras! Especially when they are brightly colored and placed on your head, askew.

I do wonder because it seems odd that a person would wear so many hats. Unless she is recovering from some kind of head surgery. Then I could see it. Yah, anyway, that's all I got. Have a great day, people!

If Clay Aiken was invisible, he would just watch you in your room. Clay, couple of questions...

What exactly would you be watching? Would you be watching her undressing Clay? is that the truth? And would you be doing anything in particular while you were watching, since you were invisible and all?

Call me a fuddy duddy, but I just find that song creepy!

Jay Leno and George Clooney!

I love 'em, but side by side they are like two bobble head dolls, all a twitchin' and a head bouncin'. Think about it! It's the truth!

Suffering, shmuffering

I am watching tv right now, CNN as a matter of fact and Paula Zahn is asking this mountaineering accident survivor how he managed to endure the pain of his broken leg. And he is all, "hmm, I do not know. I do not know how I endured the pain!"

But the unasked question is what goddam choice did the guy have? There's really no big mystery about how he survived the pain--he simply didn't have a choice.

When I was a girl my mother died. It was horrific. In some ways, at some times, it still is. When I was younger, a teenager, and people would find out that my mom died, girls would invariably say "Oh, I couldn't stand that. I would die if anything happened to my mom"

I am sure that if the tables were turned that I would say the very same thing. I loved my mom as much as any little girl loves her mom, maybe more (I had a really great mom for the time I had her).

But my point is, I survived it. I did not die, and I survived it again, not because of the indominable human spirit, or because of "spunkiness", or some amazing will to live. I survived it simply because I didn't have a choice.

Stop asking that question--how did you survive it? it's nothing but a meaningless question, that demands a dishonest answer.

Mad Cow Disease

Look, why aren't these feed producers and cattle ranchers and whoever the fucking hell else thought it was a good idea to feed goddam ground up, inedible pig, sheep and fucking COW parts to COWS, brought up on criminal charges? We have known about mad cow disease for some time now--we've witnessed the effects of that CJ in British victims, we know and have known for a while that this kind of feed is (not only morally reprehensible and really, really creepy, but also) extremely dangerous.

I can appreciate the fucking greedy bastards fevered desire to make mo' money, mo' money, but for Christ's sake, this is beyond the pale. These people need to pay for being so reckless with other people's health, just so they can make a few extra bucks.

God, people depress me. They really do.

I finally saw that first Lord of the Rings movie...

and, um, I fell asleep. I started to lose interest after the narrator recited the 4th generation of goddam hobbits, like "and Jezabah behest foribund". I just have one question for you Lord of the Rings fans...WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE SMOKIN'? My neighbour lent me part two as well--and guess what...I am not going to watch it. This is heresy to you people I know, but seriously, I do not understand the appeal. I found the movie, that as I recall was hailed as one of the best movies of the year, like a sleep potion. Do people really find all that "The hobbits are not ordinarily as powerful as the goblins, unless a hobbit happens upon an enchanted amulet, (that he finds in the stump of a thousand year old tree) in which case it increases his powers by a factor or 4" interesting?. It's like sushi to me. The whole time I am seeing all these rave reviews and thinking, okay, let's give this a try, it's going to be so great, and then you do and you get all Nigel Tuffnel..."Is this a fucking joke?" Sushi does not taste good and for a long time I thought people were only pretending to like it, and now I feel the same about the Lord of the Rings.

Is it just me..

or does anyone else feel uneasy when they see that cRaZy uPpEr/lOweRcAsE type?