Everything that is wrong with the internet

Overwhelming Searches: Type nearly anything into Google and you will get a search result of over a million hits. Well newsflash, Al Gore, I am a stay at home mom. I do not have time to follow more than 500,000 of those links before I have to haul my ass of the computer to watch Oprah. Or shop for a zippered fleece vest and another pair of high waisted Calvins at Costco. Or call up my friend and ask what she thinks of Michael Douglas's face lift. The point is, I'm busy.

Blogrolls: After countless hours of surfing the internet you happen, as if some miracle, upon a blog that is not only well written, but hip, and funny! And oh how you laugh. Ah haha! You then notice that this clever, charming, witty one-in-a-million has some links. You think, well, this has got to be some good linking because this person knows funny! So you click on one of their "must reads" or "Super faves" or whatever it is they call them, and find that hmmm, it's not so funny. Not to worry you think, try another. Same problem. Then it hits you: cliques! The blogroll is a tool for internet-style nepotism, and yet another way Al Gore has devised to waste my time.

Snarky or Let-Me-Tell-You-How-It-Really-Is comments from people who are not really in a position to tell me anything except maybe How to be a better asshole: I have had a number of those and I just keep them there. Let your assholism ring I say. I don't know how other people handle them, but they annoy me when I see them on others blogs, too. Nasty commenter and/or pedantic commenter, you're bringing down the room.

For the Love of God, People, It's

LIE down.

Please stop saying "I am going to lay down".

It's lie down, mofo. Lie.

Let's...

change the name "blogosphere" to "margaritaville". It just sounds way more fun!

Nosy parker: "Where were you for the last three hours?"

You: Margaritaville!

Then you can change your name to Chad and start giving people high fives and making that shooting gun move people do with their hand because you're a dude who hangs out in margaritaville and no one would expect anything less from you.

How To Tell If You Are Really Crazy

As I roam the vast halls of the internet, I come across many sites where people identify themselves as "crazy". I believe this to be a misnomer, and suggest that instead of being "crazy" what those people are is either a) "zany" b) "kooky" or c) "whacky".

But, in case you are still wondering, here is my definitive checklist for craziness.

Does the communication in your romantic relationships fall solely into the category of "telepathic"? (Not unlike my love affair with Johnny Depp who sends me life telepathic affirming messages like "You rock" "You are an excellent driver" "Your ass looks totally excellent in those pants").

Do you think that, and I am not committing you to anything here, but, do you think that there's a really good chance that you are the next messiah?

Do you have more than 21 cats?

How about zany hats? Do you wear a lot of those? (Bonus point if your hat serves a dual purpose like being super fetching and also filters out any kind of harmful rays or if the hat is made from an aluminum pie plate).

In enclosed areas, do people stand as far away from you as possible? (But that could also be B.O.)

Do you mumble angrily to yourself and then stare intensely at people nearby? (Deduct one point if you are the computer dude at your place of work)

Man, the internet is really pissing me off today.

No, it's not just the internet, it's the Blogosphere. First, I hate that I had to type that word, because frankly I didn't think I could hate a word more than "'blog" but lo and behold, turns out I can, and that word is "blogosphere".

But anyway, here's what's bugging me right now. Links. You heard me! I have to read three goddam sentences of some description of something and then I have to click a link to go elsewhere! You gotta make me work for it, don't you, you bastard? It leaves me bitter and resentful.

Some people set their introductions up as "teasers". Like "OH, this is so interesting! You HAVE GOT TO SEE IT TO BELIEVE IT!!!" Dot, dot, dot hypertext!Frankly, the three exclamation points should probably tip me off, but I am an imperfect woman. Nine times out of 10 it's a picture of a cat wearing a hat or smoking a cigar or something else that I am not interested in seeing.

You know who I like? The people who post the pictures right up front on the main page, on the blog. And of course I am not interested in seeing them either, but at least I didn't have to do anything.

Picture posters, here's what I want to see:

1. Bigfoot
2. Johnny Depp

English People*, We Need To Talk

That is, if anyone of us can understand what the hell it is you are trying to say!

Yesterday I was enjoying a leisurely scroll (my God, where else are you going to get a quality pun like that one. Not since The Family Circle!) through the Blogosphere (normally wouldn't use that word but need it to keep the dazzling metaphor going) when I happened across a weblog called Whateva Sista that illustates my point about the British vocabulary exceptionally well. You should go check it out.

The whole language is practically porn.

1. "Feeling a bit peckish". Sounds dirty

2. "Toad in the Hole". Sounds really dirty and not particularly flattering to either the toad or the hole.

3. "Popped in". Again, dirty sounding.

4. "Sausage roll". As a noun, unappealing. As a verb, dirty!

Let's get it together, Brits!

* Suddenly angry English people who feel like commenting about what an idiot I am and how much I hate English people, let me tell you this. Of course I hate English people, but that is only because of Hugh Grant; and I already know I am an idiot because I have the English 121 paper about Conrad's "Heart of Darkness" in which I refer altogether too much to the "existential horror of man's existence" to prove it. So don't be thinking you're telling me something I don't know. And if you're still tempted to email me, I'm just kidding. Honest. But not about Hugh Grant.

Yes, I Watched the Academy Awards

and that is three hours of my life I will never get back.

A couple of things I learned:

Sean Penn not only has no sense of humour, he is also a world leader is the ancient art of Buzzkill. I am pretty sure he stole that title from my elementary school librarian who had a one-two-three punch that would instantly and simultaeously shut you up-make you feel guilty-bring down the room. KAPOW! Sean Penn, you make Mrs. Olmsteader proud.

Seeing the "lesser" awards being handed out made me realize that somewhere in the world people are still doing that cruel thing to fat kids in gym class, where they have to stand up in a line and wait to be chosen, only to discover they never will be. But now they do that in front of a billion people!

Beyonce is the now only singer left in the whole world, oh except for that other singer, (!?!) Antonio Banderas.

Hillary Swank is married to Chad Lowe!

Words I Have Never Really Been Comfortable With

1. Boogie

2. Lover

3. Whimsical

4. Ponderings

5. "Mr. D.J."

Bad Decisions I Have Made and the Reasoning Behind Them

1. In High School I refused to take typing because I "didn't want to be a secretary". What I failed to see in all my 15 year old wisdom was that it's not just secretaries who type.

2. I took a specialized archaeolgy course in Human Osteology because I thought it "sounded neat". By the time I discovered it was more "really hard" than neat, it was too late to withdraw.

3. Bought Beanie Babies as "an investment".

4. Made friends with the weirdo girl no one wanted to be friends with because I felt sorry for her. Turns out there were reasons no one wanted to befriend her.

Hey Blogger by Google, Want Some Tips For Improving Your Service? Well, Here You Go

1. Find a way to get my computer to dispense soft drinks. That way, instead of cursing your asses when my blog takes 20 minutes to load, I will just sit back and sip a soda. Win-win!

2. Modify your search engine so it can find my keys. That one's just for the people.

3. Make a Google Time Machine. And when you do, man am I going to use that. (First stop, go back to the 80s and stop myself from trying to sign up for the Robbie Neville fan club, like a dork!)

I await my thank you note.

Delicious and Suspicious

I do not like sushi, largely because of its unpleasant taste, and also because in some ways it makes me think of "The Emporer's New Clothes". And the people I know who say they love sushi, always say it like this : "I loooooooooooooove sushi!"

And I say, "the rice, with the seaweed and the raw fish?"

And they usually add something like "Well, there's also cucumber!" They seem defensive about it, which adds to my theory that people only pretend to like it.

Then I weigh that theory against the fact that it is the number one snack food in Japan, and that it seems unlikely that the entire population of Japan, who to the best of my knowledge I have not met, not to mention hundreds of thousands of people all over the world are only eating it to prove me wrong.

But you never know.

Scrappy!

I love the Simpsons, but that Poochie episode, come on! Despite what The Man (yes Simpsons writers, that is what you have become!) tries to make you think, Scrappy Doo was a cute, no, super cute puppy, who wise cracked! What's not to like: a puppy, plus a wise ass, it's an unbeatable combination! Why can't the haters see that?

Here is something that has been bothering me for a long time

Why was my girlhood idol, Veronica Lodge, so totally obsessed with Archie Andrews, when Reggie was right there in front of her? WHY!? Reggie was way better looking, plus he has that cool sports car, and Archie was driving around in a jalopy for God's sake! Archie was also two-timing her with that insipid Betty Cooper. Betty Cooper! Really, the idea is preposterous. Uh, did Betty Cooper's parents have a pool? No, they did not.

It just blows all the Archie Comics credibility.

Assessing Famous People's Suitability for Potential Matrimony

John Travolta:

Tends towards the chubby side, sure, but that tells me he is always going to be up for ordering a pizza late at night. Extremely convenient for air travel. Not going to embarass you with the "dance moves" at your cousin's wedding (not mentioning any names but looking casually, but decidedly at my present husband). Overall rating: B

Brad Pitt:

Duh! He's Brad Pitt. On the negative, his fondness for architecture and design could lead to too many annoying home renovations. Extremely unlikely to order a pizza late at night. Overall: B+

Tom Cruise:

Also a looker and a humanitarian! Could be tiresome with the Scientology tips. May get lots of phone calls from Rosie O'Donnell. Excellent driver. Overall: A-

Michael Moore:

Would probably know his way around a kitchen and likely has a good repertoire of easy-to-make snacks. Constant bitching about politics could bring a sister down. Overall: C

Sigfried:

Loves cats. Very fancy dresser. Matrimony may come with built-in job as magician's assistant. Could be on the rebound from long term relationship. With no known last name, may have to refer to oneself as "Mrs. Sigfried". Overall C-

George Cloony:

Purported laugh-a-minute prankster. Animal lover. Boyish grin. Accustomed to bachelor lifestyle so could have lots of parties with the Ocean's Eleven gang, leaving den frequently covered in potato chip crumbs, and he is probably not much of a vacuumer. Overall B-


Interactive Section!

I got an email from a very nice lady who wondered why I had not mentioned Prince Harry, or as she put it P. Hizzo, which cracked me up. So without further ado,

Prince Harry:

On the plus: Lots of youthful vitality, opportunities to attend many charity balls, marriage would come with title other than "Miss Thang" (or less polite variants). On the negative: seems to find the evil Third Reich "kooky". Extremely poor judgment. Overall: F

Dear Barista

I would like to apologize to the Starbucks employee who had the bad luck to get me for a customer this morning. When I said "May I have a non fat latte, please", I wasn't even thinking about how taxing it is to be an urban hipster at a suburban Starbucks. So I totally understand why you had to glare at me like that. Then, when I added "Grande please", I wasn't even thinking about how already occupied your mind is with thoughts of, well, contempt for one, but also your own goatee and piercing management, or the beat poetry you may have been writing in your head at the time. My behaviour was simply beyond the pale when I added, "Not too much foam please", so mea culpa, and I see now why you had no choice but to sigh heavily when I presented you with my Starbucks card. How thoughtless was I to even buy one of those!

By that time I wasn't even thinking about you at all; I was just so obsessed with the idea that you may get some of your existential angst on my sweater (which, in my own defense, is a real bitch to get out of cashmere).

So, Mr. Barista, I am sorry. The next time I go into your store, I will not be so worried about getting myself a cup of coffee, and instead, I will, you know, show a little respect for the guy who has to interact with moms in velour track suits all day.

Dear Pepperidge Farms,

Now that Tucker Carlson is no longer with Crossfire, I think he'd be great in one of your commercials.

He already has the bowtie.

And he could give the old commercials a bit of that Carlson fire. Like say one guy picks the Milano and Tucker would get all "ARE YOU TOTALLY STUPID!? THE SAUSALITO IS BY FAR THE BEST, AND IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A STUPID, STUPID LIBERAL YOU WOULD KNOW BETTER. SHAME ON YOU, STUPID LIBERAL!. AND THOSE PANTS MAKE YOUR ASS LOOK FAT".

I could really see that.

Brad 'n' Jen

I read the news story, thought to myself, "That's too bad" in the sense that I don't wish bad things for anyone, well, except for maybe an old boyfriend from years ago, but that's a side issue; and I was fully prepared, prepared-a-mundo, to just let it drop until I came across the section of the announcement that said "for people who follow these things". That's what set me off. For people who follow these things? Do you, Mr Brad Pitt's publicist, mean the people for whose benefit you send your carefully crafted press releases? The people who make it possible for you to have a job? The people who buy the movie tickets so Brad Pitt can make 20 million dollars a pic? Do you mean, us, the Great Unwashed Public? Is that to whom you are referring?

I am trying really hard not to dislike celebrities, man. But they are making it really, really hard.

Sometimes 30 seconds feels like a long time.

You "blogexploders" know what I'm talking about.

Sometimes I am at a blog, that I am, let's just say, not really enjoying, and I think to myself, "Damn it, Suburby, just click away, forfeit the half a point!"

But then shaking my fist in the air, I think, "I cannot-- for I have already invested 14 seconds in it!"

Time, thou art a cruel master.

Blog Reading Advice

I would recommend avoiding all weblogs with the following attributes:

1. Excessive use of the exclamation point in the title e.g. "I love my cat!!!"

2. Any zany use of the up and down caps e.g. mY cRaZy FuCkEd uP lIfE.

3. Any use of the word "Rocks" or "RAWKS" in the title.

In the spirit of the season, I would like to extend an apology

Look, on behalf of Canadians everywhere, I am sorry about Celine Dion.

Now, quid pro quo, I would like an apology for Kenny G.

I'm waiting.