I just looks at my Blog stats...

and I discovered that someone is looking at this log from an iPhone. An iPhone! Get your ass into the future, fast, mofos. It is on its way.

An iPhone!

Giving my head a shake right now.

Why?!...

are there so many assholes in the world? Seriously. If you doubt I am right, then come to my son's school's drive through sometime. You'll see. You'll see all too clearly, my friend.

Also, why isn't there more candy in my life? Did I ban it or something? No! Somebody get right on that.

Thirdly, what's with these assholes who start sentences with words like "thirdly". What are you, a former junior college English paper writer?

And most importantly, I hate the fucking suburbs. It occured to me a while ago that in the 10 years we've lived here I haven't met one (openly) gay person. In the city, it was a gay a day, at least. Now, nothing. Total dry spell. No wonder it sucks so much here.

Man, I am in a bad mood. And I am so old now that shopping does not snap me out of it. If anything shopping seems stupid to me now. How the goddam hell is giving goddam Nicole Richie $70 for a crappy t-shirt supposed to make me feel better.

dreams

When I was a girl, I had a dream for myself at 16. I wanted to change my name to Linda, buy a silver Mustang convertible, and get myself two silver poodles to ride in the backseat.

In reality, at 16 I had a mangy cat and a bus pass.

Still, that bus pass was some freedom, huh! In 15-27 minutes I am going to be outta here!

Oldy, please

The other day I was watching the fourth hour of the Today Show, with lovable dinosaurs Kathy Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotbe. As they were making their comments about Lady Gaga at the VMAs it hit me -- these nice old ladies should not be talking about the VMAs.

Time was not too long ago, when young and old were separated by different tastes and interests. All manner of tastes were different -- clothes, hobbies, interests, ambitions, music: The kids had their rock and roll and the parents had their Easy Listenin' or Big Band or whatever it was. Then the Babyboom Generation (you know, the people who will not shut up about The Sixties) decided that they would not only "stay cool", but they'd never get old. Today, old people cannot seem to accept the fact that they are a) old and b) not ever going to be cool again. But so many older people act like they are still 'down with the kids', and not only are they not, but I am seriously starting to doubt they ever were.

Old people, let the kids have their own stuff. Stay off their Facebook, stop pretending to like their music. Let them be young and stupid in private or with their peers alone. You had your turn, and you got to do it without your mom texting you every 15 minutes. Please.

Change out of those RandR jeans and put on your Paul Simon records. It's okay. It's good to be your own age. Really!

Infernal TV!

Who here is fooled by the "interactivity" schtick that tv producers insist on putting on their stupid tv shows?

Anyone?

I mean the Good Morning America style "Tell us what YOU think about this story on our Facebook page!"

And they read maybe 2 comments, which is supposed to demonstrate how interactive they are. And every show is doing this now. Are there people at home who actually think they are somehow a part of the goddam show because they leave a little message on the GMA Blog? Are people that stupid?

People, please! Don't believe the hype it's a sequel! (Does anyone remember Public Enemy?)

Ant the news now has Facebook and Twitter icons along side their network logo! What the hell? Is it old people not really getting the internet so they think to be hip they have to put up a Twitter ad?

I gotta get off the grid before it drives me crazy.

Alaska Cruise

Well, Dear Reader, I am here to tell you that my family just returned from a cruise to Alaska. You heard me, Alaska. How dare you judge me!

Interesting facts about cruising to Alaska:

1. No way you're the fattest person on the cruise. Not even close. Go ahead and eat some more cheesecake because most of the people here are fatter than you.

2. No way you're old. See number one above, and while you're at it, have some more cheesecake because you're still not the fattest.

3. Sometimes seniors get cranky, and once they start up, it's hard to get them off topic. What's it to you, you may be asking? Well, nothing, unless you're stuck with them at dinner then the bitching about how far you have to walk to the elevators gets real old, real fast. I can only be all "Yes, that IS far to walk!" for like 15 minutes. 20 at the most. I don't need the wife chiming in, too.

4. Cruise ship directors are awful, evil people. I am talking to you, Gene. And Julie from the Loveboat. You know what you did.

5. Can we just call it Alaska? Do we have to say Ahhhh LASSSS K AAAAAAAh! everytime? Again, talking to you Gene.

6. Pronouncing it Ahhhh LASSSS K AAAAAAAh does not make the eight block town anymore exciting. I don't care what Captain Stubing told you, it doesn't.

7. Yes, I can confirm that cruise ships are floating buffets.

8. The entertainment on cruise ships -- ai yi yi I am going to have to sub classify this topic.
a) The Big Song and Dance Show: This is one of those situations where you are really wondering if you and the lady next to you, who is simply raving about how fan-fucking-tastic the show was are watching the same show. I don't think so because all I saw was a really cheezy rendition of If I Could Turn Back Time (yes it can get even cheesier that Cher does it) and some abomination with several singer/dancers that was supposed to be a 1940s retrospective. You know, for the old fuckers on board. To say the show was bad does not do justice to its (equally) sad component. Watching it made me feel partially puzzled and partially violated, like Kenny G touched me in a bad place, and you're thinking eww and also you're thinking that's weird because I thought Kenny G was gay.

b) There was also a juggler. Bet you didn't know they still had those! Well they do, and they are about as entertaining as you would imagine they'd be.

c) There was a comedian. He was good.

d) And finally the sad comic-magician, who simply begged for people to give him good ratings on their cruise survey. We saw him in the buffet, eating with a friend. We were glad he had a friend. Seriously, the dude made us sad for him.

McSweeney's

Does anyone read the really great McSweeney's Internet Tendency? If you don't, you should. It's really funny.

Anyhoo, they do these Lists over there, and I was just reading them and I made my own:

Canadian Superheroes Who Are Well Known in Canada but Not in the US Because, Typical!, You Don't Even Bother to get to Know Anything About Canada, Unless It's Bad News, Then You're All "Woo hoo double murder in Canada today"/Nicknamess for Former Boyfriends of Mine.

Fake Polite Man -- pretends to like your parents then talks about how "weird yet boring" (like that's even possible), your entire family is behind your back.

Canadian Ivy Leaguer -- apparently there's a Canadian uni that's part of the Ivy League. I forget the name now. Stuns you into bored silence by constantly reminding you he attended an "IVY LEAGUE" school.

Heartbreaker Man -- The dude who can emotionally cripple people for like three months at a time because he just breaks up with you for no reason, but politely.

Hockey Man -- the guy who rescues other dudes from bad situations like, for example, the time when you were really having a heart to heart with your then boyfriend and almost had him to the point of talking about taking your relationship to the next level, by phoning up and telling them to put on the CBC right now to catch the most awesome goal on the replay.

Hypno Crazy Coloured Money Man -- This dude will hypnotize you with all his flashy, "crazily" coloured (big goddam eyeroll from Canada - like green is so sensible. It's not, you're just used to it) bills, and make you think he's going to spend it on you, but turns out he's super cheap, so that's kind of his power.

Superman -- I said yeah, motherfucker. Superman is Canadian.

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Stop taunting me!

Actually, it's okay.

People, have I told you how lucky I am to be the kind of person who needs you?

Is there anything in the world sadder than the trying-to-be-hip housewife? And she's all "That's not how I roll" . We just got you to stop saying "In da house", please do not start up with this "How you roll" business now.

I ask you, sincerely, is there anything sadder than that? Maybe the fake giant boobs. And the tan on the age deteriorated skin.

Be old, that is cool! Be your age. Be your life experience!

Don't try to be young. Don't you remember what a total asshole you were when you were young? I do. I was insufferable.

Be yourself, just the way you are. You're awesome as is.

I think I might be a PC!

You know that famous TV commercial -- the Apple Computers one -- that's supposedly the greatest commercial ever made -- the Citizen Kane of TV commercials. There's a room full of people dressed the same way, looking grey and extremely dour all bring dictated to, Big Brother (a la the novel 1984, not Julie Chen) style. And then suddenly there's a jogger and she for some reason has a sledgehammer and she throws it at the screen, smashing it and thereby ushering in a new era of computers.

It's all about comformity, maaaan and The Man, maaaan. I get that, but the company that seems to demand conformity and uniformity is Apple, not Microsoft. Microsoft if the company that has every Joe working on programs and add ons and such and Apple is all anal retentive about who can even sell their products.

I like Apple products despite myself, and frankly, I would probably be an Apple customer if it weren't for the creepy feeling it gives me. Plus, I don't drive a Volkswagen, so that may be a problem. I also don't wear "extreme" eyeglass frames. Come on! You know what I am talking about!

Plus, Steve Jobs, get a new outfit already, dude. The black turtleneck / faded Levis looked awesome in 1995. (Casually checking my calendar. ahem) And maybe stop getting so defensive.

"We're not perfect". Did somebody say you were?

A Joke About Canadians from Conan O'Brien

With massive overpopulation threatening the globe, Canadians maintain a population of less than 35 million. How do they do it? Zero sex appeal!

Chickka boom

English People, We Need to Talk*

That is, if anyone of us can understand what the hell it is you are trying to say!

Yesterday I was enjoying a leisurely scroll (my God, where else are you going to get a quality pun like that one. Not since The Family Circle!) through the Blogosphere (normally wouldn't use that word but need it to keep the dazzling metaphor going) when I happened across a weblog called Whateva Sista that illustates my point about the British vocabulary exceptionally well. You should go check it out.The whole language is practically porn.

1. "Feeling a bit peckish". Sounds dirty

2. "Toad in the Hole". Sounds really dirty and not particularly flattering to either the toad or the hole.

3. "Popped in". Again, dirty sounding.

4. "Sausage roll". As a noun, unappealing. As a verb, dirty!

Let's get it together, Brits!

* Suddenly angry English people who feel like commenting about what an idiot I am and how much I hate English people, let me tell you this. Of course I hate English people, but that is only because of Hugh Grant; and I already know I am an idiot because I have the English 121 paper about Conrad's "Heart of Darkness" in which I refer altogether too much to the "existential horror of man's existence" to prove it. So don't be thinking you're telling me something I don't know. And if you're still tempted to email me, I'm just kidding. Honest. But not about Hugh Grant.

I am reprinting this oldy but goody because of the BP incident in the gulf, to which we can add phrases like "Every effort is being made to plug the hole".

Americans, a few things:

I love your president! He's so awesome.

Your iced tea sucks. It's tea with ice. (I am making a big fat face of incredulity right now) Where the hell is the sugar and the fake lemon flavour?

Big Brother is starting again! I love that show!

Is our currency really that funny? "Monopoly money"? Come on, is that the best you've got? I am finding it harder and harder to politely fake laugh about it.

Man, those Cheez Its are delicious. We can't buy them here, so we have the Canadian version called Cheese Nips. They aren't as tasty and the name just seems wrong.

Your highway road signage is fantastic! Bet that's not a compliment you get every day.

Your litterbugishness needs some work. I am just saying. As a general rule, parents, please teach your kids not to throw trash out of a moving car.

And finally, Al Gore and the happy ending request. Thanks for a whole lot of new fodder for my nightmares.

Happy Birthday to the best country, evah!

Today's Thoughts

1. Kelly Ripa has a tranny body. Think about it: No boobs, no hips, super lean, very muscly arms. Like it or don't, that is a man's body.

2. Bryant Gumble is the best moderator The View has ever had.

3. The older I get the harder it is to lose weight. I am talking freakishly, super goddam weird hard.

4. I am turning into one of those "the more I get to know people, the more i like my dog!" weirdos. I should get a bumper sticker.

5. I think I might hate Facebook even more than I hate the internet. And that is saying a lot!

One More Thing About LOST

Ghosts talk, people live for hundreds of years, there's a magic well spring of light, a monster made out of smoke and the sideways world is purgatory.

Shyeeeeah.

If you don't watch the show, move on. There's nothing to see here.

Oh Beruther, The Jonas Brothers

I cannot tell you how goddam sick I am of hearing girls argue about who's the cuter Jonas brother.

For the love of Mike girls, grow up! There's really nothing to fight about! It's Nick.

Boo hoo, ahhh boo hoo ugly cry boo hoo hoo...LOST boo hoooo ba, mub hoo boo

LOST, I am going to be lost without you.

OMIGOD I loved Dr. Jack Sheppard, and seeing him, in the last episode, limping away, holding his injured side, walking slowly and carefully on to what he for sure knew was his own death. It made me cry, and was truly was one of the saddest things I have ever seen on tv. I think Matthew Fox is way underrated as an actor. Plus the handsome. Which, with the sideburns and the side part almost made my tv blow up.

I will miss that show so much.

Also, Terry O'Quinn, what a phemon. Incredible as John Locke, who was for me the most tragic and sympathetic character on the show. And also handsome!

What will I do now on Tuesday nights? Is there any way Matthew Fox could come over?

Marital Advice from Some Broad On the Internet (what more could you want?)

Here is my recipe for a lasting marriage:

Lower your expectations.

I say it glibly, but that doesn't make it any less true.

The Upside of Neuroses

Yesterday I told the old b 'n' c that I had developed an irrational fear that there was a family of mice living in my laundry basket.

Crazy?

Just crazy enough that I don't have to do laundry anymore.

Ode

Oh Other Mom with grey roots who I saw at the mailbox and who lives in my subdivision,
We should be friends.
How awesome you are with your grey roots showing about two months worth of growth -- high five.
Why don't we know each other
And provide each other with a safe haven from all the other moms in the subdivision with "trendy" tattoos and boob jobs
We could hang out
And wear our Costco pants
While we drink coffee
And talk about how we don't like to use pesticides in our yards

I hope your expedited letter showed up
I know you were waiting for it

Have you noticed that some people add a tag line to their blogs explaining that the blog is funny. Like:
Blog Title

Then tag it! (And capitalize every word, because what the fuck):

Subtle, Witty Humour About A Day In The Life Of A Single Working Person

My thoughts on this are as follows:

1. It is borderline sad when you have to tell people that your blog is funny.

1a. Props to you for adding in the "subtle, witty" part because that covers your ass in an argument with a stupid person ("Oh, it's subtle wit--I thought it just wasn't funny).

1b. If you don't get my humour, it's subtle wit. I'm just saying.

2. Who started the whole "day in the life" thing? And why did they start it exactly?

3. If you are telling me something is subtle, it ceases to be subtle. Again, just saying.

Thinking of my son's experience at school,

I'd have to say that it is really difficult to be a boy these days.

I could say an awful lot about this, but I am not in the mood this morning. Suffice it to say that these days schools are set up to accomodate girls and girls' learning styles.

Boys routinely get into trouble for learning in the boy style, which is unacceptable to most elementary and middle grade teachers who are themelseves former girls, (being women now, wisenheimers) and who see their idealized version of the classroom learning experience through the eyes of a girl.

My son and his friends got into big go-to-the-principal's-office trouble for being too noisy outside on the playground at lunch. Parents everywhere should be very alarmed to hear that. It is not a good sign.

But maybe more on this later when I don't feel so totally demoralized about it.


And just as a p.s. Fuck you, John Mayer and your goddam stupid "boys you can break; you find out how much they can take. Boys will be strong..." lyric. I have no doubt that that was your experience of childhood. Your excessive confidence, which frankly looks a lot like narcissism probably shielded you from most childhood hurts. But I can assure you, that not all boys are fixable once they are broken. And some are broken way too easily.

But thanks alot for making things even more difficult for boys. You're quite the goddam hero, asshole.

2010 Closing Ceremonies (like anyone cares now)

For those of you who missed it, here's my mini-review of the 2010 Closing Ceremonies:

(prepare to be mini-enlightened!)

These are my thoughts as they occurred:

1. Wow, I didn't know Lindsay Lohan was Canadian.

2. Oh, she's not. That's someone else.

3. How long does this song go on for?

4. It's amazing how much longer it feels sung in French.

5. This whole thing is like a really fancy, really eleaborate high school theatrical production.

6. Complete with speeches from the Principal and other people you aren't really interested in hearing. At this point I was tempted to pass a note to my husband. Then I remembered that I was not in highschool anymore.

7. Wow, Bill Shatner; no one is getting your jokes.

8. Wow, Michael J. Fox; no one is getting your jokes.

9. Wow, Catherine O'Hara; no one is getting your jokes.

10. Neil Young reminded me of the counsellor at camp who brought his guitar and then he'd bring it out and you'd know you'd have to sing around the campfire. Either that or risk him being free to wander around the camp talking to girls about how awesome it is to explore their sexuality. Except at camp, the dude wasn't usually 1000 years old. But still, it was cool because it was Neil Young. Or at least I am guessing it was because it looked like a super old dude who could have been Neil Young's grandfather. (Kinda weirded me out).

11. Alanis Morisette I liked. Stupid Ryan Reynolds!

12. Simple Plan is Canadian?

13. Hedley is Canadian?

14. Nickelback. I want my nickel back!

Some things I have noticed, (almost) post Olympics.

Stephen Colbert is kind of a dink.

Goddam Brits! I just saw a journalist or Radiotimesist, or whatever the hell they call themselves on tv talking about some act of buffoonery being "unCanadian".
Number one, what they hell do you know about what it is to be Canadian? How typoical British, to think you know. Honestly. And number two, don't ever tell me that something dorky is unCanadian. We in Canada know nerdy and uncool. Just check out our PM. (BUt he is awesome! Please don't audit me, Rev Can)

The Ruskies are sore losers. Two days after Canada beat them in a hockey game they started trash talking our our country, our military and our whole way of life in their paper, Pravda.
Really, it's just one game, dudes, and Canada has been there plenty of times before. I think Russia almost always beats Canada in the Olympics. Our only chance at ever winning a gold is when we are paired against the USA (holla!). Kidding! We also have a chance against Finland. Kidding again (the USA just kicked our butts in the last hockey game we played). But Russians, when you act like such assholes, it really makes me feel like I need to apologize. (You know, being Canadian and all). So let me say, on behalf of Canadians everywhere, I am really, really sorry that your Russian hockey team sucks so badly.

Hoarders

I love the show Hoarders. It makes me feel like such an awesome housekeeper.

Canadians!

I am watching Olympic hockey right now, (I'm Canadian! We have to). It's Canada vs. Switzerland, in case you are actually reading.

Canadians in the crowd, please lose the stupid "This is OUR game" signs. They are nerdy!

Can Just Any Idiot Have A Blog?

Yes! The answer is yes!

Take me for instance. I have difficulty operating an answering machine.

I just left a message for a friend (a friend mind you, not a super cute boy when I was 14) and here's how it sounded: (with an analysis in red)

Me: Oh hi. Wow, my timing sucks! Kay, first, who is this?

Me: Haha! Nice laugh!

Me: Where are you? Has someone invented the answering machine that answers personal questions now, because if so, I'd like to get one!

Me again: Oh anyway I guess you're not home. What was your first clue, Matlock?!

Me: I am just heading out to Safeway, but, if you feel like a chat, give me a call. Because I am leaving the house and won't be home?

Still me: Or not, but call me if you need anything (she had recently had a medical procedure). Do you need anything from Safeway? Again, won't be home to take the call for help.

Me again: Okay, talk to you later!

I'm a dork.

Shout out to my peeps!

Do people sign up for blogs and then never visit them again?

I am guessing yes.

But, if you have read ahead (or back) you'll know that I do not cotton to site meter, so I can't be a hypocrite and have it on my own site! Plus, I don't really know how to add it. But yeah! It's for my principles, word y'all.

(Do people still say word?") How lame am I!?

Have a good day, y'all.

Oh, and no...

I am not on Facebook and never will be.

Facebook--gah! what a perfect example of nerd's idea of what a cool name is.

Arrrrrrrrrggh!

Milly

Sometimes I fantasize about telling my mother-in-law about what her kids really think about her. How they had unhappy childhoods because of her domineering control and selfishness. How they lived in fear of her rages and how her constant disapproval made them live fearfully and still does.

But I worry that would be a bummer at Easter dinner

Parenting's Hard

I have one child who I like to say does the work of three. He doesn't really, 2.5 tops. I love that kid so much; parents know there are not words to adequately express how much you love your child. The paralyzing fear you feel at the thought that something has gone wrong. It just takes your breath away.

You are so happy to do without so they don't have to -- this is not martyrdom, this is natural. It's being a mother. Moms are not walking around in sweats and mom jeans because they have no self esteem or self respect; they are doing it, I think because they get their joy from their children's joy. Say what you want, mofos, but I think this is a rather beautiful thing, this selflessness.

And your children -- how they bring you such joy! Sometimes! But sometimes they act like assholes.

I think it's time to end the phenom of injured talk show hosts coming out to do their tv shows anyway. I'm looking at you, Ellen DeGeneres, even though I really like you.

I first saw The Amazing Randi wheeled out on a gurney on some Skeptic Special -- he was all bed bound incapacitated, wearing a hospital gown and hooked up to an IV. Frankly it kinda put me off skeptics.

Then, I saw Ellen do it with her back injury. If you are injured, please stay home. I do not need to see your hobbling, pain killer stoked ass on my tv. I have enough problems!

Then I saw Regis Philbin do it today. He came hobbling out on a walker, dressed in a bathrobe. I just about had a conniption fit, and then he tossed off the bathrobe and showed us he had recovered from his senior citizen related surgery. Sweet, Regis -- you got me!

But when Regis Philbin handles injuries the best, and he's 70 something, who's really winning here?